If you thought wasting an entire work day in a Wikipedia death spiral was easy, wait till you try it with auto-translated Japanese Wikipedia-- it's the same incredible wealth of information, but it's run through an kaleidoscopic surrealism filter. The following are Japanese Wikipedia character bios for various American sitcom characters, as told to Google Translate. They've been lightly edited here and there, but I promise I did not make any of this up.


The Simpsons


Bart Simpson
10-year-old fourth grade. Blood type O Rh-. Simpson in the house, the only left-handed. Mischievous boy is curious. Skateboard technique is genius.

Homer Simpson
Simpson is the husband of the house. Take the action, but most turn out fruitless love for family. Strangling of son Bart: "~Tsu ~! What you annual" (Why you little!). "Doo~tsu!" When they noticed something or fail (D'OH! have a habit of say and spell). "Doo~tsu!" Was added to the 2001 version of Oxford English-Japanese dictionary as official word.

Lisa Simpson
Often need to take wise action of the family is almost common sense. Sometimes and especially Homer, the father does not quite fit the horse, to crack paternity. Baritone sax likes the blows, the dream in the future is a professional jazz musician. Wish can keep the pony and world peace. Do not have a friend that is a problem.

Marge Simpson
Vertically elongated Afro hair (when he was young was a straight hair), (which is re-set twice a day deals) has remained in this state this pin, but a distinctive hairstyle like. Hair is dyed blue. In addition, the multi-scene that also housed the thrust of such notes and secret savings seen in our hair. There is also the scene to a conversation with a portion of hair on it or talk with Homer as brains.

Friends


Rachel
A crybaby in the naive young lady in the rich selfish. At the age of 15, because the horse was kept in the disease died, and had bought a boat instead. Skill to be taught about the control of the boat to Joey.

Monica
Rachel's best friend from high school Lincoln. Jews. And the loss of my brother looks good get along together, such as dance and sports since childhood, there is a surface hated the guts and repugnant. I like competition and gambling, reluctant to be the best anything, throw or break things and lose. I hate animals dressed. Poor massage.

Phoebe
In massage, Monica former roommate. And homeless at the age of 14, picked up the money to live on the streets for children. Loss of a human victim. Because it has a thought bizarre behavior and mysterious basically, or did not believe the force of gravity and the theory of evolution, or there is a history of arrest.

Ross
Pampered from parents unlike Monica, to be carefully nurtured. Jews like his father. Or forced to attend the camp of the hate movement is poor at gathering exercise from childhood.

Chandler
Often seems to be gay and (especially women) a stranger. Intercourse with a woman is basically weak, give it a boring reason is reluctant to or after intercourse with a woman, broke or ran into that state withdrawal. Had lied to hide the hate and dog allergy dog.

Joey
School days because it was just playing with the girl without a study, not enough general knowledge, may not keep up with the conversation of the other five, children are also stain action.

Dinosaurs


Earl Sinclair
The protagonist of this drama, the crying child "smile" dragon plaque. Occupation's defeat timber megabusiness We say so. There is no motivation sloppy, are susceptible to around.

Francis Sinclair
Support are firmly behind the person. Although this drama is one of the few conscience, along with lobby, and sometimes frustrated housewife industry from time to time. When it flowed in the direction of a bad family, but will help put a brake on.

Robert Sinclair
Son of the eldest son are. 15 or 16 years of age in human. Years may have to show a rebellious attitude are the only years. Basically, the firm is a clever son. I like some dinosaur, rock love. Is the so-called high school students these days.

Charlene Sinclair
Sister of the lobby are the daughter of. What you want pager , such as clothes. Study can not be about the lobby of the brother, but sometimes there is something sharp. Also be easy to shed the epidemic, become addicted to bad boyfriend.

Baby Sinclair
Baby is still a street named Baby. Although the cute appearance, content is the worst. Are the frying pan like saying "He not mama" in, and hit it. Incidentally, my favorite is the carrot.

Beavis & Butt-head


Bibasu (BEAVIS)
Standing position is right. Blond hair, mainly responsible for the blur. "BEAVIS" is under the name. Last name is unknown. Different personality Cornholio (Konhorio, "Horio anus" in the subtitles) that appears raised a question mark (?) Attack of a mysterious, incoherent speech and behavior in repeated tension MAX eat (only) too. If not born in this world if Beavis, was supposed to grow to a healthy boy of ordinary. Print shirt ROCK Death or METALLICA.

Beavis (BUTT-HEAD) [note: Butt-head is consistently referred to as "Beavis" in Japanese Wikipeda]
Is left standing position. BUTT name, HEAD is to blame, is called around and BUTT-HEAD ("bat" in the subtitles), except for rare exceptions. (Also known as sly) compared to the Bibasu clever little. There are sections that my younger brother thought the Bibasu, violence and rebellion is not tight at Bibasu. Print of the shirt AC / DC or SKULL.

(Beavis and common point of Bibasu)
Have lived under one roof, there is no kin. For example, a typical cool! (Cool) favorite saying is to publish! (Suck) ~ ~ is'll invincible! (~ ~ Rules), in addition to a variety of words in the subtitle to Dumbass be Japanese translation ( among others) words to fool the opponent.

The always emits a distinctive laughter. Even though scared, regardless of mental state at that time, or cool when, of course, even if in trouble even if angry, that emits a laugh even in sleep. However, it is very happy "LOL" even if there is not. Hard rock or the wind, "! Warwickshire" wide-eyed shook his head and ooh and aah "Jesus!".

Have a job in a hamburger shop BURGER WORLD, not useless they almost completely a mystery why, why would not the dismissal. Etc. can always put in your pocket to throw out in the middle of dirty mess cause a mass food poisoning incident, the store, the hospitality, the proceeds from sales of products nibble, the cash register.

Todd
Bad about that young man longing for B & B is put a heart symbol. Gotsu has been accompanied by a few fellow American car that ride the. On the abduction may be trapped in the trunk of the car to B & B, was abandoned in the wilderness, secluded.

Stewart
Classmate. Buxom blond. Then in junior high school students have a habit of bedwetting. The parents are very spoiled. The B & B is like a toy sometimes oppressed. State that envy the B & B of "badass Choi", in the same sense of longing that B & B to Todd "super badass". If not born in this world if Beavis, along with the sound Bibasu mentioned earlier, the boy was supposed to grow a strong sense of justice was filled with confidence.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.