Every year, each of America's 50 states sends their loveliest women to compete for the title of Miss Beauty USA, and the right to attend glamorous events like celebrity softball games, Fear Factor tapings, and ribbon-cutting ceremonies for car dealerships. But these ladies won't be judged solely on their ability to put on a swimsuit and stand motionless for minutes at a time; becoming Miss Beauty USA takes brains as well as non-exotic facial symmetry. We've decided to test their intelligence with a single question that will undoubtedly show how much this great country of ours values and promotes the intelligence of women.
Alexys Blalock, Miss Beauty Alaska: Well, I mean, I think school is a journey of self-discovery? And I don't think teachers should get in the way of people discovering who they are... Like, I discovered I couldn't pass my Spanish I final, even though Mr. Grassley said I had to. Then I discovered my parents could donate enough for the school to renovate its gym, and then I didn't even have to show up the last couple of years. So yeah, I don't think teachers should stop things like that from happening!
Amberline Simmons, Miss Beauty Kentucky: We could talk about whether or not matter exists all night, and by the time the sun rotated back around the earth, we still wouldn't agree. So I think schools should concentrate more on letting us make things with crape paper.
Staciee Crocker, Miss Beauty Lousiana: Matter...? No -- I... Hold on. Is this an abortion thing? Because if it is, I'm supposed to read off of this index card I brought with me. I think the man who drove me here has it.
Emma Durbish, Miss Beauty South Carolina: Yeah, uh, I was taught that the only truths of the world come from The Bible, so I'll have to say no. And even then, it's only the words that are printed in red. Sometimes I go to a pizza place where I'm pretty sure God helped write the menu.
Katy Silva, Miss Beauty Ohio: Yes, I think so. But only if we teach all sides of the issue. If I was in school and didn't think matter existed, I'd feel pretty left out if everyone else did. And I think bullying is a much more important problem.
Ashlee Stevenson, Miss Beauty Virginia: Wow. Um. That's actually something I've struggled with, for like, my whole life. But then I got into William and Mary on a dance scholarship so I didn't really have to think about it anymore. So I recommend for kids to do that instead.
Ayshleigh Fuhnion, Miss Beauty Nebraska: It's actually very disrespectful that schools believe they have the authority to teach people these so-called facts. My parents home-schooled me, and instead of reading books I got to sit around with my mom and watch soap operas all day. So really, I consider myself a student of the world. Can someone help me find my way out of this room when we're done?
Sammanntha Hobart, Miss Beauty Texas: I'm going to have to lean towards "probably." But maybe we can teach that matter exists a little bit at a time, and the students who get offended can put their heads down or color for the rest of the semester.
Morgan Demesko, Miss Beauty North Dakota: I think the jury is still out on that one. Does matter exist? Doesn't matter exist? Personally, I think that's between you and God. And I think if we keep asking questions, he might kill us all with lightning bolts. I've handled enough snakes in my church to know that guy has a mean streak.
Lisa Welch, Miss Beauty Colorado: Yes, of course. Why is this even a question? Seriously, I -- hey, get your hands off of me! Let go! Where are you taking me?
Sarah Shelby, New Miss Beauty Colorado: Does it really matter? *laughs* Also, I just saw that last girl get shoved out the window for saying yes. So, no.
This article may be over, but my sick desire for your attention sure isn't! If you like what I do, please consider dropping tens of your hard-earned dollars on the Revive Retronauts Kickstarter, which will fund a year's worth of independent coverage of classic video games in both podcast and video form. With your support, you'll ensure that kids like me can continue delaying the trials of adulthood well into their 30s. Thank you and goodnight.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.