|A slow week for one of the sports most gothic and unsettling tricks. Despite a showing by Johnny Satyn at the Oregon State Fair, the move's dark, liquid strides failed to capture an audience.|
|32||The Progressive Grain Index||-0.25|
|PGI's slump continues as practitioners abandon the trick for more thrilling maneuvers. "The kids don't want to see a trick that looks like a graph about wheat," said veteran roper Sam Brownband. "They want to see me make a dinosaur's face up there."|
|33||Where the Wizard Buried His Gold||-0.42|
|Dismal returns for this highly hyped hocus-pocus designed to cash in on the Harry Potter craze. Investors failed to see any magic in its tedious and mundane arm swirling, quickly dispelling any chances of success.|
|34||Milking the Prostate||-0.48|
|This San Francisco treat suffered heavy losses after being exported to the east. The boys in the Castro District may love it, but the heartland just isn't ready to embrace its confusing knots, suggestive loops, and emasculating twirls.|
|35||The Chinaman's Challenge||-0.56|
|Cowboy Wong bit off a little more than he could chew with this Challenge. Shown up at the finals by Korean upstart Cowboy Park, Wong's wounded pride sagged the trick's loop-de-loops significantly.|
|36||Breaking the Jew's Neck||-0.79|
|A poor close for this longstanding favorite following a controversial article in The New Yorker which accused the trick of veiled anti-Semitism.|
|37||The Gordian Necktie||-1.09|
|The accidental strangulation of 9-year-old Timothy Mayfield triggered huge losses for this modernized antiquity. Rumors of a possible banning sent practitioners scurrying far and wide, loosening this trick's notoriously tight grip on the charts.|
|38||The Flying Chinee||-1.23|
|This heavily-traded trick lost power due to a marked decrease in anti-Chinese sentiment.|
|39||The Grad Student's Thesis||-1.24|
|Allegations of plagiarism sent this trick's stock plummeting like a barrel off Niagara Falls. With New York Times rope trick critic Thom Corbett describing it as "drunken frat boys trying to date rape the Chattanooga Interchange," you know its days are numbered.|
|40||The Injun's Last Woo-Boo-Boo||-1.42|
|Native American rights activists continue to make strong headway in erasing this cruel trick from the American consciousness.|
|41||Grover Cleveland's Switchblade||-1.61|
|A disgraceful finish for this historical drama, plagued by accusations of overtly phallic content in the overhead whooshes.|
|Any momentum gained from Tick Benson's seemingly impossible Houdini flourish at the Cornpone Games was lost this week among continuing doping allegations. "I may be a dope, but I ain't no doper," spits a defiant Tick.|
|43||Ching Chong's Holiday||-2.97|
|Actor Jackie Chan delivered a stern kick to this trick's stock after seeing it performed on the annual Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. "This is a hate trick that must stop," said the daredevil martial artist. MDA apologized, but performer Duke Gray said that he will continue to do it "whenever he damn well pleases."|
|44||The Businessman's Coma||-4.93|
|The miraculous recovery of namesake and unwitting inventor Arthur Van Landingham after sixteen nonresponsive years brings the once-legendary trick crashing to earth.|
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.