This article is part of the Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews series.
Shaggy Butte may be America's sweatiest city three years running, but it's also home to some thirst-quenching marvels of drinking fountain engineering. If the summer heat has you searching for sweet relief, look no further than these soothing sips. -Spout.ly Senior Editor Chris Bluefield
Office of the Mine Inspector
"The marble basin is amazing, and the button response time was second-to-none. They used gold for that, so you know it's good. The water had just the right amount of precious minerals. The decorative scimitar is an excellent touch that does not detract from the functionality one bit. Clearly the work of a great man." -Moist Man
"The Mine Inspector had this fountain specially imported from one of Saddam Hussein's palaces. I don't know much about what kind of leader he was, but if this fountain is any indication he was a truly great man with a powerful vision." -Fountainhead
"Technically this place closed down over 20 years ago, but thanks to hypnosis sessions with Dr. Sams, I've been able to relive my childhood experiences drinking from it all over again. Apparently, I was also abducted by aliens and experimented on, which I didn't remember. Amazingly perfect taste and flow." -DoubleSipper
"Dr. Sams helped me recover repressed memories of this fountain, which was lost to the world in the 90s. The experience is so vivid, it's like I'm back in time admiring the bubbler's perfect arc and robust flow. It was definitely purer than any fountain in this sick world today. Not that it matters, since he also helped me remember that the Nephilim are coming back to destroy us." -SlurpBoi
Tender Tots Daycare Center
"After being turned away many times, I came up with a surefire way to use this fountain. I dressed up like a clown and then snuck in through one of the windows. I managed about 20 seconds of uninterrupted sipping bliss before some nazi broad pepper sprayed me. The useless kids all laughed, but I still won, because I had time to swallow." -HydraDad
"This fountain is heavily guarded by a bunch of angry ladies. The trick is to insist that one of the children is yours, and you're there to pick him up. Quickly identify and pick out a shy kid, because they won't dispute you. You can usually manage to get a nice long drink from the fountain on your way out." -Inflow
Murder Kings Motorcycle Club HQ
"Some real unsavory types here, the kind that don't like you drinking from their fountain. I can see why they protect it: it's one of the purest running founts I've ever sipped from, and more than made up for the collapsed lung and broken ribs I got for 'trespassing' in their clubhouse." -JustTheSip
"Gulp and go if you can. I had my buddy knock all their bikes over like dominoes, just like in Pee Wee Herman. While they chased him off I went in and managed to fill two jugs before some tattooed woman started biting my arm pit. I have another kind of hepatitis now, but I got my jugs filled and even managed a sip or two during the attack." -Drooler
Slurry Springs Highway Rest Area
"I usually bring some tongs to remove the used condoms people leave in the basin. The fountain itself is glorious. It's got a powerful flow that's not overwhelming, so every sip is just right. The basin is deep enough you can dip your hands in to splash your face. For some reason a lot of guys who look like John Stossel are always hanging around and eying me suspiciously, but they never get in line so I'm not sure why they care." -Slurp
"The fountain here is a real gem. Perfect flow, rapid response time, clean taste and no annoying splashback. I know it's not everybody's forte, but if you're open to anonymous sexual encounters with other men, the restroom not more than 10 feet away can't be beat." -DeepDrinker
This collection of sponsored links is presented by the Feather Wallpaper Council.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Reviews of Shaggy Butte's drinking fountains, from Spout.ly and other rival sites.