This article is part of the Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews series.
February saw some new gems emerge on the scene, but it also brought a torrent of new stinkers. Whether it be bad water or bad conditions, these fountains are pumping out disappointment like there's no tomorrow. If you value your sips, skip these shameful fountains. -Spout.ly Senior Editor Chris Bluefield
Shaggy Butte Municipal Bus Station
"Travesty of a fountain. Not only is it covered with graffiti, but the push button broke off when I pressed it. Also noticed several used condoms in the drain basin as I was power-sipping." -Wet Whistle
"Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing the push button." -Aqueous
Sunrise Yoga Studio
"All the babes here are super annoying and rude, as if being ungodly hot gives them the right to do whatever they please. If you want to waste your time watching a bunch of broads fluttering their hair or bending over to take long sensual sips from the fountain, here you go. If you want to get a good, no-nonsense slurp without any interruptions, you'll find your fortune elsewhere. A gulp and go for sure." -BigSlurper
"Liked the fountain... but not the awful people surrounding it. Too many women approaching me and asking me questions and touching my arm and asking if I'm OK. I just wanted to get a sip. I had to keep sipping for 20 minutes to avoid answering any questions or making eye contact, but that didn't stop them from hovering. Won't go back due to the unruly crowd." -AgentAgua
3rd Avenue Sinkhole
"A lot of people say it's not worth the risk to climb down into a very deep hole, enter a crumbling building in the hole, and then drink from the fountain inside. This stupid fountain makes those people look right, which is a shame. Water is black and metallic, and there are all these tiny bugs swimming in it." -Gusher
"This is it for me. Last fountain ever. Fell down and impaled my inner thigh on a piece of exposed rebar. After I wiggled myself free, I washed the wound out carefully at the fountain, and snuck a few sips in so as not to get dehydrated from all the blood loss. Long story short I lost the leg due to the poor quality of this fountain. Lots of splash back on the basin, too." -Cap'n Quench
KRUT-5 Green Room
"Used to be way better before they fixed whatever pipe leak was allowing the newschopper fuel to seep into the water supply. Now it's no better than the water coming out of their sink, which I also tried. Be sure to get the hell out of there before they put you on TV." -Soggy Steve
"To even try this fountain, I had to lie about being an expert about something or other to get booked on KRUT-5's dumb morning news show. Fountain was totally lackluster and tasted mostly like tile cleaner. Water didn't even start flowing for a good 5 seconds after I pushed the button. Worse: they interrupted my drink to make me come talk about campus sexual assaults on TV and made me look like an idiot." -Sipzkrieg
Slurry Creek Dog Park
"Really distracting drinking environment. There's a fenced in area for the dogs and like three times as many people watching and taking notes and filming. Not sure why so many idiots in this town are obsessed with dogs when there are way more interesting things out there. Unfortunately, this particular fountain isn't one of them. It's well water, and the well has been contaminated for over a decade. Best to swish it around and spit it, and be prepared to give your thumb a workout with the sticky button." -DFPatriot
"I've gotten sick over a dozen times from this fountain, and the ambience is totally creepy. Way too many weirdoes in this town, and they make it hard for regular folks like us to appreciate the simple things." -Sir Sips-a-Lot
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Reviews of Shaggy Butte's drinking fountains, from Spout.ly and other rival sites.