Following my article last week on writing for The West Wing, I have had the dubious pleasure of participating in a brief, but overwhelmingly stupid correspondence with one astute reader whom I will allow to remain nameless. This veritable wunderkind of political debate was upset because he felt that my article, which was intended as nothing more than a humorous breakdown of Aaron Sorkin's writing formula, was somehow an indication of the political stances of all of the writers here at Something Awful. I won't bore you with the exact details of our correspondence or the mind-boggling manner in which this young man managed to miss every ounce of sarcasm that I threw his way. Suffice it so say that he and I have not reached any sort of understanding. Well, that's not completely true. I understand his stance: he's an idiot. However, he seems to be struggling to grasp my points. In his latest email, a spectacle of grammar and punctuation, he was kind enough to take the time to say "i just hate you guys, quit being such pussies for our president. to fuck." He then went to elaborate about how he loves the site, but would like to see more from Jeff K. Now, far be it from me to call this gentleman a douchebag or to try to make any sort of educated guesses as to just how far his head is crammed up his ass. All I'm going to say is that I like Jeff K - he's an energetic guy with a lot to offer the team - but well, readers who think Jeff K is the funniest member of our staff tend to be to SA readers what juggalos are to music lovers. And anyone who can say that he hates us in one sentence, then say that he loves us in the next and still think that he's making a logical argument is not exactly the audience I typically have in mind when I sit down to write.
Note how I never mentioned this guy last week.
If you read this site regularly, or if you're just one of the legions of Greasnoholics who only read it on Sundays (i.e., my mom), you might understand what I mean when I say that I was more than a little surprised to be lumped in amongst "pussies for the president. to fuck." I thought I made my views on President Bush fairly clear a few weeks ago. What's more, I was even so bold as to think that I was speaking for the other writers when I did so. Perhaps that was my mistake. I should have clarified that when I portrayed the President playing with paper dolls attached to the ends of pencils, I was only presenting my own opinions, not the opinions of the other writers or the site as a whole. You see, as much as we are a team, when the time comes to write our own articles, each writer really just says and does whatever he wants to do, with the exception of Josh, who does whatever Satan wants him to do. You know, it never fails. Get political and people accuse me of trying to rip off The Onion. Don't get political enough, and suddenly I'm wrapped around the President's schlong. So let's clear things up. I do not support George W. Bush in any way, shape, or form. However, I do support his administration. There is no more daunting task than inheriting control over the most powerful nation in the history of mankind and keeping it running. The Bush Administration has faced some tough problems, and with the exception of the ones that the President himself has tried to handle, they've dealt with them rather well, and I commend them for it.
If it surprises any of you to hear me praising the current administration, then allow me to explain. Ever administration in my lifetime has had to deal with a very real threat of terrorism. None of them have ever had to deal with a terrorist attack as catastrophic as 9-11, though. The terrorists got past our defenses that time, which sucked, but I ask you, how many terrorists have gotten away with it since? Go on, name them. That's what I thought. Say what you will about Bush, how he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, how he doesn't know the first thing about foreign relations, how he smells vaguely like paprika, but the men and women in his service are some of the best this country has ever had. Average Americans like you and me can go about our day, basically forgetting about terrorism and all the little brown folk who hate us because the government keeps them out of our hair. We see the terrorist alert color chart and just shrug it off, secure once again in the notion that no one can touch America. But believe me, there are those who have tried. We may not hear about them in the news, but there are terrorist organizations trying their darndest to disrupt the American way of life every single day. Here's a look at just a few of these violent and relentless groups.
Terrorism comes in many forms, including this woman's crotch.
People for the Liberation of Iraq
When the Gulf War ended, there were many who felt that the senior Bush should have just finished what he started and bombed Saddam out of power right then and there. The most passionate of these people from all over the world united thanks to the unifying power of AOL chatrooms and formed People for the Liberation of Iraq, or PLI. Their one unwavering goal is and has always been to persuade the American government to storm right back into Iraq and oust Saddam before he and his barbaric sons gas anymore of their own citizens. The PLI has written letters, created petitions, and started website after website, although most of those became so inundated with banners and pop-up ads that most people who visited them thought they were lesbian fetish sites. When their peaceful efforts failed to motivate the government to deploy a full invasion to Iraq, the PLI turned to more forceful methods.
Oddly enough, The entire ranks of the PLI were arrested just last week in Drewfield, Maryland. All six of the organization's still-active members were pulled over in their van for a broken tail light. The officer on the scene noticed a funny smell emanating from the vehicle when he approached the driver's window to obtain the licence and registration. Upon inspection, the officer found that the back of the van was packed full of loose manure. While the group was not in possession of any sort of wiring, timing units, or detonators that could be used to create a potent explosive device, they did have a plastic bag full of Bic lighters and a half pack of matches from Denny's. Also, the fact that "BLOW UP THE WHITE HOUSE OR BUST" was spraypainted on the side of the van was fairly incriminating. When questioned, the members of PLI seemed to genuinely not know that there had been a war or that Saddam's regime had been destroyed. They credited long hours spent plotting in the basement of their leader's mom's house for the misinformation. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge personally slapped each member across the face with a copy of Time magazine, then they were released, as it was judged that they posed very little future threat.The worst thing about terrorism is the proliferation of crappy montages like this.
Arabs Against Becker
When the U.S. launched its campaign against Saddam Hussein, there were no doubts that the occupying force that remained after the war would face residual resistance from Saddam loyalists and roving bands of anti-American death squads. The U.S. government was surprised, however, to find itself under attack from a pro-America group of recently freed Iraqis. Flown to the United States under the pretense that they "wanted to see the prosperous land of plenty that their desolate homeland might one day become with American assistance," the Iraqis wasted little time in marching on Capitol Hill with sharpened sticks, a couple boards with nails through them, and one box cutter. Only once the Iraqis were apprehended was it discovered that they were part of the reactionary movement known as Arabs Against Becker, or AAB.
"For years, all that we have been able to watch on television has been propaganda for Saddam and against the Great Satan - I mean, the United States. There, you see what it has done to me?" a spokesman for the AAB said in a press release last Thursday. "We had held out hope that when Saddam's brutal regime fell, we might get some food, some medicine, and for the love of Allah, some decent primetime viewing. And what does the U.S. send us? Ted Danson as a crotchety doctor with a heart of gold and a blind black guy for a friend. Come on, America! Archie Bunker would kick the crap out of this guy, or so the local legends say."
"You guys were supposed to be the great corrupter of our Muslim society," the spokesman admonished further. "All we had heard for decades was that if America ever got its hands on us, our women would be running around in bikinis and children would be swearing at their parents inside of a week. Then you finally get here and we find out that you cancelled Family Guy! Sure, it's on Cartoon Network, but at the rate you're rebuilding our infrastructure, it will be years before we can get a premium cable package like that. What will it take to get you guys back on your smutty high horse? It's a hundred and twenty degrees in the shade and we're walking around in black robes, here! We're backwards! We're out of date! What do we have to do to get you to force your values upon us, make up some more month-long holidays? Jesus Christ!"
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that captured members of AAB were given a lengthy explanation of how the American television industry works, including how because he was on Cheers, Ted Danson will always have a TV series as long as he is alive, even though he is aging faster than a tuna casserole left out in the sun. The Iraqis were then told that the only hope for a Danson-free season in the near future would be if someone were to actually go to his house and kill him. It is unknown whether or not AAB was actually given Danson's address.Holy crap, they're growing some sort of super race of giant terrorists! Look at the size of his hands compared to that money! He must be huge! We're screwed!
Fellowship for Acronym Removal or Transference
Crack FBI hostage negotiator Herman Lipschitz was commended by the President himself last Monday for his successful handling of the hijacking of Pan-Am flight 408 from Miami. The flight, which was destined for Des Moines, Iowa, took a sinister turn roughly an hour into the trip. Not literally, mind you. The plane actually stayed its course for the duration of the situation. Things just got kind of shitty onboard, is all. Literally. A lot of people had to go to the bathroom and the terrorists wouldn't let them. The terrorists in question were associated with the infamous group known as the Fellowship for Acronym Removal or Transference, a.k.a. FART. Armed with a set of lawn darts, the terrorists seized control of the aircraft and used the radio to demand to speak with the President.
As well as being one of the most active terrorist groups today, FART is also one of the most confusing. The group began in Libya, although the precise reasons why have never been determined. They sent a death threat to the White House, but signed it with only their acronym, which presumably stood for something else in their native tongue. They immediately became a laughingstock and have spent every waking hour ever since in the ceaseless effort to get their name changed to something else. FART now maintains that it will put a stop to all of its terrorist activity if it everyone will agree to eliminate all records of their current name, or at least to transfer their name to some other group.
When Lipschitz assumed control of the radio on the ground, he had no prior experience dealing with the FARTers. When it was learned that the terrorists planned on crashing the plane, the situation took on a ominously familiar air. However, things took on a much more relaxed atmosphere when the FBI became aware that the plane was headed for Des Moines, since there was nothing there worth crashing into. Lipschitz spent over an hour negotiating with the FARTers before he finally asked them what they would do with their lives if they were allowed to change the name of their organization. They admitted that they would take up their original cause, which, ironically enough, was to gain a free trip to Des Moines, Iowa. The FBI was able to arrange a full refund for the terrorists' air fare, and the FARTers took their seats. Upon landing, the hijackers were immediately taken into custody and later shot.Um... zuh?
American Freedom Front for American Freedom
Muslim extremists are used as the stereotypical face for terrorists, but terrorism comes in many forms. Perhaps the most disturbing of these is the threat of homefront terrorism. The Oklahoma City bombing, for instance, was all the more gruesome for the fact that the perpetrators were Americans. While the majority of the focus of the War on Terrorism is on hostile presences abroad, the department of Homeland Security is also watchful for attacks from within. That is why, when a car stopped on the Golden Gate Bridge and the passengers threatened to detonate their trunk full of explosives, the anti-terrorism unit that was dispatched was not terribly surprised to find that the car contained four white middle class teenagers.
The teens, who asked to be called the American Freedom Front for American Freedom, or AFFAF, claimed that they were rebelling against the "fascist bullshit"of the "one world government." When agents politely asked what the fuck they were talking about, the teens admitted that they didn't really know. They said that they listened to a lot of crappy quasi-political punk bands and felt compelled to rebel against something. They went on to explain how the people are being kept down by the "one world banking system" that existed to make sure only certain individuals ever gained more than a set amount of wealth, and that this fact made their lives in Encino unbearable. Taking their fight to the streets was, like, their only option, AFFAF went on to say. They culminated their passionate, yet moronic speech by screaming "Damn the man, save the empire," then cheering each other on. Their celebration of their own commitment was cut short abruptly when one of the members received a call on his cell phone from Teresa, who had been waiting outside the Hot Topic in the mall for twenty minutes and was about to go home. When the call ended, the young man informed his compatriots that he "totally blew it" and convinced them to give up. Agents promptly swarmed the car and took the four teens into custody.
When asked where they learned to create explosives, the teens replied that they found instructions on the internet. When the trunk of the car was opened, agents discovered that the teens had followed a fake recipe, and that the substance they had created was not explosive in the least. It was, however, a fairly impressive batch of crystal meth.Sure, he's got a drinking problem, but can you blame him?
Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz
When Saturday updater Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz didn't check in yesterday, he was assumed to be either kidnapped or dead. In either case, we immediately began looking for a replacement, as Something Awful has a strict policy of not negotiating with kidnappers. And of course, a dead writer is a bad writer, and we don't keep bad writers around. Theoretically he could have come back from the dead and continued writing, but we also don't employ dirty, freeloading zombies. At least, not since Emily left. We were informed late last night that he was neither dead nor kidnapped, but in the hands of the authorities. They didn't give us the specific details of his capture, but they did say that he was found naked and riding a goat in the general direction of Washington with a piece of broken glass in his hand and a nasty bruise on his forehead.
Now, I know Frolixo, I like Frolixo, I've gone drinking with Frolixo. He's a good guy, but one hell of an uppity drunk. While I have no way of knowing if this is actually what happened, allow me to speculate: After a hard day of trying to reconcile his Polish last name with his almost overwhelming Irishness, Frolixo bottled himself some of his very own homemade moonshine, which is really the only way to get good moonshine. He stumbled around the ol' farmstead, drinking himself into a furor and ranting about how "the man" is keeping him down, as he tends to do when he drinks. I think this stems from the time when he was twelve years old when he sent a letter to the Republican National Headquarters saying that he would very much like to be the next President and was told that he was too young. So, now quite drunk, and for some reason nude, he took a vow that his own son would never suffer the same humiliation and persecution that he did. He took a sharp turn toward the door and ran straight into the doorframe, taking a bump on the forehead and dropping his empty bottle. He picked up a one of the larger shards of glass and headed out. He didn't get far before the few functioning brain cells he still had reminded him that he doesn't live anywhere close to Washington, so he hopped on his family's old goat, Millie, slapped her on the ass, and hoped that whichever way she hobbled would eventually get him to Pennsylvania Avenue.
Was Frolixo really that much of a danger to the government? Probably not, but if you ask me, it is very reassuring to know that he was captured and beaten so swiftly by our boys over at Homeland Security. Good work, fellas! Of course, the rest of us here at Something Awful wish Frolixo a swift recovery and would like to let him know that when he returns, he'll have his latest paycheck waiting for him, severely docked.
Those are just a few cases of the sort of terrorist threats that the current administration has to deal with on a daily basis. If not for the speedy reactions of the proper bureaus and departments, the American way of life could be forever altered by any one of these groups. I would like to use this opportunity to thank the government for their hard work and to remind them that Frolixo is also a card carrying member of the Communist party.
State Og: Behind Enemy Lines
Hi folks, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here once again. Normally I update on Saturdays, but I am here because I accomplished the impossible: I have infiltrated Sunday using my arsenal of sexy ninja moves (ninja moves are cool and all, but when I do them they're sexy). Now that I am here, I have planted a bomb in this update in the name of Frolixo. Should Something Awful drop below 55 miles per hour, the entire site will be blown to Hell. What do you do now, hotshot? What... do... you... do?
When we tested the cream out we found that creases in the skin smoothed out so fast they made tiny "boioioioioioing" sounds, and the miracle didn't stop there! In moments, brittle, gray hairs shifted into a luxurious, undulating mass of snakes. Youthful snakes! What's more, post-testing dissection found that all 17 ovaries were once again in perfect working order! It was a veritable ovum bonanza!
If you somehow manage to avoid being blown to bits, then feel free to read this week's State Og. Even if you do get blown up, try to read it anyway.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.