Oh no! "TOP SECRET UFO"! That sounds either evil or "too hot for television!"

It's no secret that the world is full of deranged, insane, babbling lunatics who are more than happy to share their opinions regarding their incomprehensible conspiracy theories. Although a good portion of these people go on to lead a happy and fulfilling life working at Radio Shack or hosting their own conservative AM radio talk show, some slip through the cracks and find their way into the seedy underbelly of the general public. After a matter of time, these psychotic individuals begin explaining their whacked out "what they don't want you to know" stories to every unfortunate individual they encounter, occasionally at gunpoint. It's all downhill from there; soon they're avid Art Bell fans and are using Tripod's homepage creation software to construct animated gif shrines devoted to exposing the secrets of the universe that they (and only they) know. The Internet has become a breeding ground for the mentally depraved conspiracy theory nutcases, as the basic nature of this electronic medium encourages building communities, despite how justified we would be in taking a flamethrower to them and calling in artillery strikes just to be sure.

Throughout my pointless journeys across the Internet, I've encountered any and every conspiracy theory possible, many of which used the scrolling text function to prove key points. These wacked out webpages invariably fall into one of two obsessive subjects: aliens and the government.

ALIENS - Conspiracy wackos think about aliens more often than aliens think about themselves. In their wildest dreams, these magic creatures inhabit the hollow Earth, live underneath the ocean in the semi-lost city of Atlantis, are currently flying in from different dimensions, and are routinely visiting us every other hour because they're trying to get to Neptune but are too embarrassed to ask for directions. Earth is apparently a very popular destination for aliens due to the fact that their home planet lacks the exciting and wonderful inventions of mankind such as that new green-colored 409 cleaning spray. If we were to believe what conspiracy wacko people on the Internet think, we wouldn't be able to move five inches without casually bumping into some bulb-headed, slant-eyed, horrendous foreign creature (no, I'm not talking about French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin). These nutbags are obsessed with aliens because they already know there isn't a single human being on the planet who doesn't either hate them or think they're a raving lunatic; maybe there's a remote chance that in some filthy corner of the universe there exists a race of highly intelligent, physics-defying creatures that would love nothing better than to visit a man who hasn't bathed since the Carter administration. These mysterious space creatures have the following characteristics and qualities:

Three aliens look on as flash photography is used to take a picture of the artist painting their portrait.

They are apparently all very bored and have nothing to do on their home planet. This would explain why they travel zillions of light years to visit our stinking, rotting, filthy planet for the sole purpose of drawing circles in corn and cramming high tech thermometers inside fat white people's asses. I've often wondered what crucial information there is to glean from some farmer's backyard and the anus of his toothless son, but I can only assume it's some really crucial stuff and is so advanced that our feeble human minds wouldn't be able to understand it even if somebody used a colorful flowchart and one of those pointy stick things. Maybe they're researching how to grow poop plants.

Despite being thousands of years beyond our current technology level, aliens have not yet figured out how to mass produce a spacecraft which doesn't resemble a dog's chew toy. Although these unbelievably advanced interstellar ships can successfully avoid radar detection and turn invisible at will, they can still be captured by gritty, blurry cameras manufactured by Korea in the late 1950s. Sometimes they shoot a thick length of string straight up into the air above them in an attempt to look "fake" or "like the work of an eight-year old."

They come from many, many different exotic places and locations. Some aliens prefer the mild, dry climate in the center of the hollow Earth, while others prefer to exist in different dimensions. Sure you've got the plain-vanilla aliens that live on the planet of Grabualsa 9 and use a boring old UFO to travel here every day on their commute to work, but these aliens aren't very popular anymore. The hot and popular breed of aliens these days inhabit secret areas of the Earth or float around in an ethereal plane of existence which floats somewhere above Milwaukee.

World peace is the number one message on their agenda, although they don't prefer to spread this message through traditional means of communication such as talking to people or writing things down. Instead, they beam their thoughts directly to humans who they deem worthy enough to be one of, if not the only, "chosen prophets." These prophets make up a small minority of people who have the ability to relay the important messages from our friends in Dimension Q, announcements which usually ask us to stop polluting, give dolphins positions of power, or blow up the government.

THE GOVERNMENT - Another big winner with our neurotic Internet buddies is the ever-so-evil government. I have never seen a single conspiracy website which described the government as being anything but pure, unadulterated Satanism. They're 20 pounds of evil in a two-pound bag, only without the bag and with an extra serving of evil sauce. Despite the fact that the government only exists because of the money we give them, they apparently have no qualms with slowly killing us all through highly exciting and experimental methods. Here are just a few of their nefarious schemes:

If the government didn't have anything to hide, they'd let us all into Area 51 now wouldn't they? Oh, and they should also turn it into a theme park and let us visit any military site any time we feel like it too. UNLESS THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE, OF COURSE!!!

Something incredibly evil and incredibly vague involving the North Pole. I don't know what the hell is up there or why the US government found it appropriate to travel thousands of miles out of their way to get another people-killin' scheme rolling, but that's probably because I haven't been formally trained in "Conspiracy Nutball Theory" by the Utah University School of Keep Your Goddamn Evil Zionist Money, You Clueless Zombie Drone. If I remember correctly, the North Pole contains a lot of snow and is located to the north of everything south of it, so it's got that going for it, which is good. All you need to know that the North Pole has a lot of nasty things going on, so if it's in your vacation plans for the upcoming holiday, perhaps you should reconsider travel agents.

Electricity. Much like "Project: North Pole," the government's dastardly plans involving electricity and the injuring or death of over a million people is somewhat difficult to understand. From what little cohesive information I've been able to glean, electricity is being used to corrupt our brainwaves and destroy vital organs in our head that we would normally use to become psychic and talk to dolphins and aliens. Electricity, in conjunction with the dangerous setup of government gear in the North Pole, is responsible for creating deadly magnetic waves that helped empower Adolf Hitler and the people who produced "Kangaroo Jack."

Something involving the Jews. By nature, Jews are evil. I'm not exactly sure how or why, but that's not important in a conspiracy-minded person's agenda. You just accept the fact that Jews are evil and then move on so you may unearth the Jewish / one-world government connection. I believe the Jews' reign of terror began sometime around that whole Son of God thing, back when Jesus would run around smiting people and changing gold into lumber or whatever He did. The Jews did something evil to Jesus like give him a stick of gum that claimed it was peppermint flavored but actually tasted like red peppers, and as a result, their religion has been downright dastardly ever since. They're always up to some evil plan with the government (which is wholly owned and operated by the Jews much like TNT is run by Ted Turner), so next time you spot a Jewish person pretending to mind their own business, you should walk up to them, stare right into their eyes, and exclaim, "I'm on to you, Jewey." You'd better strap on your cobalt-enhanced bicycle helmet when you go to sleep the following night, as the Jew Ray Beams will be especially concentrated on your house in a terrible act of revenge.

Mind control. A good majority of the government's plans revolves around turning us all into lifeless zombies incapable of thinking for ourselves, addicted to absorbing electronic rays that are regularly broadcast through our homes, and obsessed with giving our money to faceless organizations. I think I pretty much already spelled out the joke in that last sentence, so I've got absolutely nowhere else to go with this point.

There are many other targets of the conspiracy theory minded Internet nutwad, but I don't have the time nor energy to go into depth with each one. Here is a brief overview:

A sketch of the evasive creature John Kruk. No, wait, that's the Yeti. No, actually that is John Kruk. Sorry, I was confused by the lack of tobacco.

The Yeti - Otherwise known as "Bigfoot" or "John Kruk," the Yeti is believed to be some alien that lives in the woods and refuses to shave, even for important job interviews.

Jesus Christ - He's the best. If you're not down with Jesus, then you're going to hell. Jesus communicates to us through selected conspiracy wackos, light sockets, and by allowing his facial features to appear on a cinnamon roll made in Nicaragua.

Dolphins - Everybody knows that dolphins are the smartest creatures this side of the sun. So what if they don't do shit but swim around and get killed all day? Dolphins are somehow the most intelligent, passionate, and creative animal in existence! To truly live in harmony, we must make friends with the dolphin... really good friends, if you catch my drift, sailor.

The Face on Mars - Leading scientists claim it's just a heap of Martian dirt, but smart people know better: it's an ancient alien temple used for teleportation! If you look directly into the eyes of the Face on Mars, you will either turn to stone or you will get a mysterious phone call and promptly die within seven days.

The Bible / Nostradamus - Both accurately predict the future and when we'll all die in a horrible, fiery apocalypse, which was scheduled to take place in 1967, then 1969, then 1971 followed by 1973, 1978, 1981, 1981 (again), 1985, 1992, 1993, 1995, 1994 (we were going to travel back in time in the year 1995 to get killed in 1994), 1999, 2000 (many times), 2002, and the upcoming destruction of 2012. Make sure to dress appropriately.

For more information on how to be completely out-of-your-brain crazy, stop by Art Bell's website and learn about the secrets THEY don't want you to know about! "They," of course, meaning "the government organization in charge of making sure you never obtain a firearm."

Critical - 1, Zack - 0

Hey folks and folkettes, Zack "Gordon Schumway" Parsons here with an all new Hentai Game Review. This installment is the hottest title from 1998 called "Critical Point". It features a pole huge pole rammed through a guy's dick, a re-rape, and a robot that cries all the time. As usual when I describe a Hentai game, I fucking wish I was kidding.



While the evil couple were locked in the heat of illogical passion the stern head engineer shot the technician and her male "rape accomplice" to death with her pistol. Naturally, since your character was investigating strange incidents, he chose to do nothing at all. I don't know about you but if some woman with a head like a watermelon with two glistening chunks of coal stuck in it tried to rape me, raped some other guy instead, and then both were shot to death, I would probably turn on my heel and speed-walk to the nearest overhead beam that would allow me to loop my belt around it and hang myself.

This game was a lot of fun for me to play and I hope you enjoy reading my review. In other news today has been officially declared opposites day, and also, fuck you! Head on over and suffer with me!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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