If you recognize the dog in the picture, then we have a big security breach. I personally banished this dog from the neighborhood, so if you saw him, that means he is trespassing and threatening our way of life.
Clearly, this dog, Gary, did not heed my ultimate command: leave town. It's our responsibility as good people to keep pariah dogs like this out of town. Gary had his chance, and he squandered it.
That's why I'm hoping that if you saw this dog and are still reading this important note that I stapled to every utility pole in a 10-mile radius, you took swift action in yelled at Gary to go away. "Go away, Gary" is something I've said literally thousands of times, and it always has a nice ring to it.
Here is a helpful tip on how to send Gary packing: he really hates it when you talk in a deep robot voice and walk with your arms out like Frankenstein. That drives him mad. If we all do that together, Gary will think twice about setting paw in our enlightened community.
If you're still reading this, it should please you to know that my new dog is better than Gary in every possible way. He does not do the awful things Gary did, and he listens. He is obedient and loyal, two things Gary stands firmly against. Gary doesn't know what those words mean, even though I lectured him on their definitions many times.
My new dog also appreciates the whimsical sweaters I put on him, and never tears them to shreds. Those sweaters were expensive and imported, Gary. They were not to be trifled with.
Gary can be manipulative, so I trust you will not fall victim to any of his schemes, like begging, pretending to be friendly, loud whimpering or, most disturbing of all, mouthing the words "I love you" with remarkable accuracy. These stunts are just pretext for him to betray you with his usual Gary antics. Your best bet is to sigh loudly, then hit him with the ol' robot Frankenstein maneuver.
Because we're all in this together, if I find out that any of you have offered comfort or aid to Gary, I will do everything in my power to have you banished along with him. We have to put up a united front against Gary, or else Gary will make us all look like fools. Under no circumstances can we let that happen.
In case you doubt my commitment, you should know I'm the guy who ran Bryce out of town. Bryce, the idiot with the recumbent bicycle, the bald buffoon who sang loudly in his backyard and practiced his stupid woodwind instruments. Bryce and his stupid unibrow are gone now, and Gary is next. Don't get added to my list.
Gary can go dwell in the countryside, where his loud, obnoxious open-mouth chewing won't bother anyone. My new dog doesn't chew loudly like Gary. He has learned a better way. He holds the food in his closed mouth until it is soft enough to gently swallow. He may hate it, but he does it and that's why he's a better dog than Gary.
Just thinking about the fact you saw Gary has my blood boiling. I said to Gary, "You had your chance and you blew it." I read to him a long, exhaustive list of everything he did wrong, then I robot Frankensteined him out of town, which took six hours because he kept circling back.
I'm glad I can count on you as an ally against the menace of Gary. Together, we're going to send a strong message to Gary and any likeminded dogs that we humans have rules, and those rules mean something. Together, we're going to make this town just as Gary free as it is Bryce free.
P.S. I am also running for mayor and would appreciate your vote.
It’s time to buy pure commercialized masculinity. But which model is right for you?
This is the biggest story of E3, and you won't see it anywhere else.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.