Ohhhhhh no. Ohhhhh hell no.
Old Tom Bombadil is pretty fucking far from being a merry fellow right now. He is not about to start rhyme dilly doing for youing. You went and did it again. You motherfucked Tom Bombadil again. With his own eyes he saw, he danced and saw, and Tom cannot believe it.
He is not dancing anymore. He is not singing. He is tearing silver penny buttons off his goddamn blue coat. Tom is throwing weed pipes all over his house Tom is. Great Jolly Old Tom Bombadil is going to take a shit on your concession stand. Tom Bombadil is canon. You are not even a novelization of a video game.
Here is how it went down. Set the scene Tom will. Tom sat down and he sang, "Well suck Tom's dick they left Tom the fuck out of 900 hours of Lord of the Rings, no way are they leaving Old Tom Bombadil out now, this shit is basically all about Tom. Let's go. Here's Tom's big scene."
You think Tom needs to be quiet in the theater? Noodle armed silly Sams gonna get stabbed. Coming 48 frames per second at you is Tom Bombadil, make you sick, hair flying everywhere, throwing pipes all over your nice carpet and tossing hats in the air is Tom, thank you for nothing Cinemark. Thank you for a legacy of nothing. Wake Tom up when any of you pieces of shit can resist the One Ring.
Peter Jackson suck a dick. Suck a dick and die on dick. Do any of you have any idea how laid Tom Bombadil could be right now if he got half his songs in these movies? Tom Bombadil could be all night amyl partying climbing up Kardhashians. Hoppy sloppy Tom Bombadil could be up to his tufted ears in Jessica Biel is what Tom should be.
Oh, Cinemark, you want to TSA Tom Bombadil on the way in? Don't try to Dark Lord a dark lord. You gonna make Tom leave his third brunch and fourthmeal outside? Tom is not buying a pretzel. You want it rhyme style? Tom is buying an extra large Pepsi, stare and dump it and then, let's see, invade your space and throw a Jack Reacher cup up in your face. That is what Tom is going to do. Bitch.
You want to hear a riddle?
Who is gonna get cut by Tom Bombadil?
Get it? Yellow boots for every asshole.
Peter Jackson has fucked with the wrong spry sprite this time. His ass is gonna get scoured. You get some lap bands and Medifast motherfucker? How about the Tom Bombadil diet? A droopy roopy silly billy of an old Hobbit says you can eat two things, Tom's horse dick and his 9 millimeter.
You reading Tom, PJ? You heard of play-off beards? This hug rug Tom Bombadil be swangin' ain't getting clipped until Peter Jackson wins a wet t-shirt contest the hard way. Gonna Zero Dark Thirty into your house, drug your stash, you're gonna sip on a weight loss shake and wake up in Tom's forest. The Hurt Forest.
You go two movies left. Save your life, fool. Tom will get George Lucas to special edition this shit. He will put computer Tom Bombadil all over everything, he will.
Tom is out.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.