Just Rappin' with Norm!
Hi guys, it's your old pal Norm here! I don't norm-ally (get it?) lend my stature as Secretary of Transportation to websites, because lets face it, I'm a very busy man. All day long I work hard to ensure that America's roadways are in top shape, flights are departing on time, and that our myriad of railroads and waterways are open to business. A durable and dependable transportation system is key to the success of any nation! But when my son Josh asked me to fill in for him while he plays his new Nintendo game, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take advantage of this exciting forum for direct communication with you, the traveling American. :)
But who am I kidding? That little shit would have a tantrum all over the place if I tried to pull him away from his stupid "Barbie Nail Designer" game to do his lousy job. Oh, and really, I work all day to ensure that fatheads like you get to drive your stupid cars around and never have to walk an inch in your miserable lives. But you know what, I like it. I get to look down on you people like ants. When I stomp on your stupid anthill homes, you pour out and rush around like frantic buffoons on the roads I built for you. And just as I plug you into your precious highway transportation system, I can unplug you and leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere. Someday I might just do that, and then laugh as you cower in the horror of knowing you can never get home to your loudmouthed family or watch your dreadful sitcoms. You take for granted everything I give you and yet you know damn well that you would be helpless without me.
I could go on for hours about the many ways I hold your destinies in the palm of my hand, but then I would probably lose your attention. I'm not shiny or naked, so why would you care about me? If I weren't such a nice guy, I would probably pass a transportation bill introducing spike strips to every highway just to show you rats how powerful I really am. But I digress! I don't want to get my son fired from yet another job, so I better get back to business. I don't think Burger King would take him back, anyway.
Norm's Mailbag with Norman Y. Mineta
I'll do something practical now and answer some mail I get from folks like you. It's a wonder I haven't called the Postmaster General into my office and personally gutted him. His entrails would look lovely wrapped around my tree this upcoming Christmas.
I really like riding my bike! It makes me very happy and Im very good at it. I was wondaring when you would fix the potholes in front of my house? I broke my bike tire riding my bike over potholes and I have to get a new bike tire because of it.
Steven, age 8
Good job looking ahead you little squirt! If you weren't always so uncontrollably happy and your ugly face wasn't always being strangled by that gigantic smile of yours, maybe you would realize that this isn't a perfect world. Roads break down, and I'm not going to be there to fix every pothole that pops up. Maybe if you were someone important, Steven, but you're not. So how about this: how about you ride your pathetic Huffy girl's bike a little more carefully? When you see a big bad pothole ready and eager to eat you alive like your fat mother eats raw hams alive, why not just go around it? God forbid a little bump tear your bike and your life asunder, you wretched juvenile.
Dear Mr. Norman Y. Mineta
I was wondering when you think hybrid cars and vehicles that rely less on oil will begin seeing larger markets and consumer bases? It seems to me the current transportation infrastructure is designed only to promote and accommodate environmentally unfriendly vehicles. We both know that this will only hurt us in the long run, so what plans does the Department of Transportation have to encourage environmentally safer and cleaner driving?
Rachel, age 15
For starters, Rachel, we plan to replace all our roads with beautiful rainbows. Then we will issue every American their very own cloud. This cloud will use no fossil fuels, fly, and produce rain that will help the crops below grow! This rain will be special rain, and it will cause giant beanstalks to rise out of the ground and reach into the heavens. To keep these rainbow roads safe, we will assign each police officer their very own flying horse. Remember Pegasus? They will be just like Pegasus. We also plan to integrate massive overhauls to the railroad industry that will forever change how trains operate and the emissions standards they adhere to. We will replace diesel engines with trains that run on smiles and leave only mirth as their exhaust. And you know your favorite pet? That stupid cat or dog you nourish with that poison you call love? I'll have it hung from a beanstalk growing in your front yard. You little vindictive bitch, you should know that this is my transportation system! I will run it however I damn well please.
This next one is from a grownup, and serves as a perfect example as to why we should force everybody - not just semi trucks - to stop at weigh stations.
So many ways to get there!Dear Mr. Mineta
I have had a problem with sinkage in the road on my block. Because of whatever reasons, it has been gradually dropping down, increasing the height from the road to the driveways in this neighborhood. While this is hardly cause for concern at the moment, if it continues it will cause problems not just for wear and tear on the vehicles, bust also in reconstruction. I imagine if this reaches its climax, the construction work will be very disruptive to life here. I have taken this issue up with local officials, but they refuse to do anything. I now go to the very top - you, Mr. Mineta. Please help us.
Marvin, It sounds to me like you need to start up a community watch program. More specifically, a community weight watch program. You human hamburgers are putting too much of a strain on my poor roads, and I don't appreciate that. How would you like it if I paid a 500-pound man to come sit on your stomach all day? Well, that's just what I'm going to do - at taxpayer expense, no less. I have that kind of power in this country. Eventually, Marvin, that much pressure will cause you to sink, too. You think I'm joking? Each day I receive a phone call from every governor in the United States. Like pigs they line up to squeal thanks and beg pardon from the great slaughterhouse. "Oh thank you so much Mr. Mineta for keeping my state's roads and airports open. As you know, they are our lifeblood." I politely tell them, "You're welcome, and I appreciate your gratitude. But know that if you every disappoint me, I will take it all away." That's the power I hold, Marvin. My open hand is your cradle. Fear the day it forms a fist!
File this next one under the "wrong address" category. I'm such a generous person, I went ahead and answered it anyway, and in my own special way no less.
Dear Washington Beltway Sniper
I don't know if you take requests, but my wife is a real pain in the ass. She's nothing but the world's biggest nag, and I don't think I can take another agonizing day with her. Mr. Sniper, if I were to send my wife out for groceries at such and such a time in the areas you frequent, would it be too much trouble for you to send a bullet her way? It would do me a world of good.
I decided to help you out, Mr. Z. I did some checking and found out your real name, and I've been following your wife around for the last two weeks. It's fun, you know, to see her leave your house early in the morning to go to work. Only I've noticed she misses work a lot, even when she leaves your house. So where is she going? Well, I'm afraid I didn't catch the gentleman's name, but I did catch the fact he likes banging your wife. I'd wager if you two have any kids, they aren't really yours. You may be wondering why I haven't killed her like you asked, Mr. Z. That's simply not my style. I'm no murderer; I'm a transportation saint! But you, well, I've got a special gift for you. If you find yourself sitting at home and notice a red dot shining on your forehead, well, that's your cue to shit your pants. Of course I won't shoot you, but I will follow you everywhere like a ravenous shadow. I am transportation. You should know that you can't run anywhere without running through my veins. I am your own personal cul-de-sac. You have nowhere to go.
Up Close and Personal with Norman Y. Mineta!
Now that we've looked at some letters, why not let me tell you a little bit about myself!
Norm's Favorite Movie: "Easy Rider"
No other film personifies the transportation experience better than "Easy Rider." This is the spirit of the open road captured on film. Don't miss it! Two thumbs up! :)
Norm's Favorite Form of Transportation: Hearse
Nothing beats the thrill of riding shotgun in a hearse. The way everybody has no choice but to yield to you, the smell of death in the air, the defeated snake of cars trailing you - it is such a majestic experience! Makes you really feel alive.
Norm's Favorite Color: Red
You simply haven't seen red until you've seen it smeared all over a highway.
Hope you guys enjoyed learning about me!
Thanksgiving Travel Tips with Norman Y. Mineta!
My favorite time - turkey time!
With thanksgiving rapidly approaching, more Americans will be hitting the roads, making flights, and taking full advantage of our great transportation venues to visit loved ones. With holiday spirit in the air and the increased load on the transportation infrastructure, it becomes extremely important for every American to take extra care and travel safely. Here are some tips to help get you to your destination without a hitch (unless it's a trailer hitch!):
With all the people gangraping my roads, you should rely on public transportation for local urban travel.
When traveling great distances, plan your timing and routes to avoid the traffic congestion that builds up at certain times in major cities. If possible, stop your car several miles outside of the city and wait until midnight before proceeding through.
Rambunctious youngsters are a real annoyance during cross-country travel. Putting them in the trunk greatly reduces their volume.
Make sure you pack an emergency travel kit containing plenty of survival items including a shovel. While it won't keep you alive, it will help you bury your dead.
If traveling by plane, book your flights early. Tickets will cost more if you book them at the last minute, and that definitely means fewer yams for your fat ass.
After gorging on a feast, don't hit the roads drunk and drowsy. Stumble naked out of the house and pass out on the lawn for a few hours, then get in your car.
Travel by train is much less hectic and more relaxing than air or automobile travel. However, the slower pace may drive you to murder. Pack accordingly.
I hope you all have a safe Thanksgiving! I'll be nice this year and leave my roads open for you. But know that my finger lies on the button, and with a single press I can have every plane grounded, every road closed, every bridge demolished, every railroad dismantled, every ship sunk, and the entire country reduced to ruins. You don't want that, I don't want that, so let's play nice this year. Let's keep Norm happy!
Halloween is Here!
In honor of everybody's favorite spooky holiday, Something Awful's champion football player #86/68 has gotten himself into a new adventure. What haunting horrors await #86/68 and the President as they go trick-or-treating? Find out in the terrifying new story "Never be Still, for Life is a Game." HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!!
With special guest stars, great action, and loads of psychological drama, this is one adventure you simply cannot miss!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.