As I'm sure you learned in this article, YouTube vlogstress Fluttershy and I have quite a history. She has a beautiful soul (this is a liberal way of saying "she is very fat and smiles a lot to make up for it,") and I am drawn to free spirits like her. When staff writer and SA Forums admin DocEvil set up a contest on the forums asking for people to respond to YouTube videos, I knew what I had to do. After scraping up enough cash for a webcam and a Philly cheese pizza from Domino's, I posted a response to her wonderful "I Am The Fat Girl" poem and awaited something in response from the lovely lady. (Piss poor sound quality; get your tin ear ready.)
Her response never came. I can only assume this is because, like my old uncle Ben used to say, with great obesity comes great immobility. Whatever the case, I came across vlogger piperben66, a musician, shortly after I uploaded my poem. Ben, it turned out, was e-dating Fluttershy and was none too happy that I wrote a poem to his bovine baby. Being a musician myself I decided to send him a vlog in the universal language (not snorting and rubbing one's nose on the ground in search of truffles, the other one) to raise his spirits and bury the hatchet.
A few weeks passed when I got some good news! After talking online for a few months and knowing each other in real life a full five days, the happy couple decided to get married! As the old saying goes, however, this meringue-filled cloud did have its Slim Fast lining and my friend was in danger because of it. I rushed a response to piperben66, hoping above hope that my words would reach him in time.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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