We have a saying in Detroit. No, it's not, "Give me your fucking money, bitch!" like so many Hollywood movies would have you believe. The saying is, "You are in Detroit." While admittedly it's not a very exciting saying, it is truthful and much better than, "Get your stank ass out of the car before I shoot you in the face," that was used so often in the 80's. Although I was born on a farm in middle Michigan, I grew up in Metro Detroit, and know the city like the palm of my hand (which I know pretty well if you know what I mean.) Often called the "creepy molesting uncle" of the Midwest, Detroit is one of the biggest industrial cities in the US, producing most of the world's cars and machine parts. It also has cornered the market on arson and rape, surpassed only by the "psychotic retarded cousin" of the Midwest: Gary, Indiana. But despite Detroit's atrocious pollution, infant cannibalism rate, and ICP, it has many redeeming qualities. I am taking it upon myself as a representative of the city to present to you some of the positive things about the Motor City, and maybe show everybody that it's not such a bad place after all.
Ok, I'm not going to bullshit you folks. Detroit is a feasting shithole that smells like a sulfur pit, and is uglier than Ernest Borgnine in drag. There's no putting a dress on this pig, hypothetically speaking. I really don't put dresses on pigs. On the weekdays. Unless I'm really, really lonely. Nope, there is no way I can possibly sugarcoat Detroit City. But what I can do is give you a virtual online tour of Detroit on the local places of interest and areas you don't want to wander into unless you have a +2 sword vs. crackheads and bulletproof skin. So please, come with me on this wild electronic tour into the urban holocaust that is Detroit.
Joe Louis Arena
Named after a burly black fellow that would give white Italian thugs "what for", this stadium is in the heart of downtown Detroit, and home to the champion Red Wings. A fantastic place to watch a hockey game, musical event, or Christian sacrifice, “The Joe” is a must-see when in the Detroit area. But a word of advice: don’t drink any of the $7 beers or sodas there because they only have 2 closet-sized bathrooms for 30,000 folks with bloated bladders. Apparently, the designers figured that the bright lights in the rafters would evaporate the streams of piss flowing from the stands, but instead it drowns small children who are unlucky enough to have seats below the balcony. It is also important to note that there's no smoking in the area because of the relative closeness of the Detroit River. One spark is all it'll take to keep that oily moat on fire for weeks.
Ford Motor Company World Headquarters
This bastion of American corporate ingenuity and supremacy is located in an area with the country’s highest Arab population. In the early 1900's, Henry Ford helped shape the world with his Model T car, production lines, and blatant anti-Semitism. It’s a well-known fact that Ford was a terrible bigot who melted down Jews and poured them into the molds for his famous cars, prompting Hitler to give him the Knights Cross. I should know, as this is where I work. It’s a lot like the book/movie/mini-series/mini-series of a mini-series called “Dune”, filled with political intrigue, and various factions within the empire fighting for control. But instead of “spice”, it’s coffee, and instead of “sandworms”, it’s big fat legal assistants blocking the communal microwave. No really, it's a great place to work. (Don't fire me plz.)
Currently on fire.
8 Mile Road
Known as “Murderer’s Row”, 8 Mile Road is the birthplace of white rap and the first drive by taunting. Eminem came from the slums on this infamous stretch of road, and I guess he made a movie about it. I didn’t see the movie because I’m allergic to white rappers (besides the Beastie Boys), but word around the block is that it’s an ok movie and Eminem’s mom is a meany head. Also, my car once broke down on 8 Mile, and I wasn’t raped or killed, so I think the danger is probably blown out of proportion. One small danger in this area is aggressive rapping. I was filling up my car at a gas station on 8 Mile, and was verbally assaulted by a sassy lad busting out rhymes about "fucking my shit up", but quickly fled once he saw I soiled myself. Works every time.
Detroit Police Station
Detroit currently is a crime-ridden urban nightmare, and run by a massive greedy company. This company has developed a state of the art crime-fighting robot, which unfortunately has developed a dangerous glitch once memories of a past life start to appear. The company sees this as a way to get back in favor with the public when a notorious street gang killed a cop called Alex Murphy. Murphy's body was reconstructed within a steel shell, with almost all robotic parts. They named him Robocop. The Robocop is an unstoppable force with his bulletproof armor, robotic gun sighting, and super strength. Due to his great success against criminals, he has become the target of a supervillain called Boddicker. Who will win in this epic struggle? The battle for Detroit continues.
Blocks of crackhouses
Currently on fire.
I am going to be completely serious with you people when I state that I-94 is the worst freeway in the entire universe. Actually, I don’t think it can be called a freeway anymore as it’s just a random array of conglomerated lumps which consist of cracked concrete, and the bones of the unfortunate souls slain by the fell road. The potholes could be more accurately classified as enormous gaping chasms that will not only give you four flat tires, but also cause you and your car to plummet to the center of the Earth, where you have to escape dinosaurs and fight the treacherous mole men to get back to the surface. Logically, people want to get off this killer freeway as soon as possible, so the minimum speed limit is 100 m.p.h. Any car going under this speed has their car destroyed by other vehicles leaping on top of them like the old video game “Bump N’ Jump”.
The Old St. Mary’s Catholic Church
Currently on fire.
The World’s Largest Crack Rock
Right off I-96 is one of Detroit’s most famous attractions. Jasper Jackson bought crack one day from a local dealer when he discovered an enormous crack rock in his baggie. As big as a full grown house cat, the large crack rock has given the community a sense of pride, much like the giant Cheeto did to Algona, Iowa. Visitors from around the globe come to see the crack, only having to pay 5 dollars for a spoken tour performed by Jasper himself. Proceeds from the tour go towards more crack and dog food for his pitbull.
UPDATE: Jasper Jackson’s neighborhood is currently on fire. There are reports that people all over Detroit are crowding around the area to huddle around the burning “World’s Largest Crack Rock”, to get some free hits of the sweet, sweet crack smoke.
Well, that’s basically the city I live in. It may be dirty, smelly, full of murderers and bad rappers, terrible roads, and on fire, but it’s home. It could always worse, like being as unfunny and goofy-looking as Ben “Greasnin” Platt. Seriously, the guy looks like a cross between Inspector Clouseau and a retarded Muppet, with a touch of gay. But I digress with the Greasnin bashing. I hope all of you learned a little something about Detroit City, and if you happen to be in the area, drop by and I’ll be sure to greet you. (Please don’t take me up on this offer, as I tend to shoot strangers in the kneecaps with my 12 gauge, leaving them for the hungry hungry hobos). Toodles!We Put the "Og" in Funny
Your friendly State Og representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell is reporting in, making sure your seatbelt is dangerously loose before sending you on a collision course with our latest State Og update, and possibly with even more poorly written metaphors.
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Check out the new State Og, or we'll kick your grandparents in the shins, hard. If they're already dead, we will have no choice but to dig them up, then kick them in whatever shin-like remains we can find.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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