im the horny snow plow guy. i purposely plow snow into the driveways of hot babes so they have to come out in bikinis and redo the shoveling— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) February 28, 2013
"63-270 million sharks are killed each year" margin of error: 207 million sharks— tinybaby (@tinybaby) March 4, 2013
If you make pancakes for me I'm just going to yell "stacks on stacks" the whole time.— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) March 4, 2013
my husband is trying to slow cook me with his farts like i'm a pot roast or something— tinyseabeast (@tinyseabeast) March 4, 2013
At my wedding during the part where people object my friends start reading all my tweets and my bride-to-be runs out of the church crying— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) March 4, 2013
I’m officially done trying. If you want me in your life, you can comefind me. Until then, continue treating me like I don’t exist.— Adolf Hitler (@its_AdolfHitler) March 5, 2013
does anyone remember gangam style. anyone know what im talkin about— jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) March 5, 2013
*calmly shakes a turd out of pants leg at a wine tasting event*— BMcD's Millhaus (@AllNewBMcD) March 5, 2013
"Rule number 76. No excuses. Play like a champion" Vince Vaughn. Wedding Crashers.— Kobe Bryant (@kobebryant) March 6, 2013
"I GUESS I'M NOT 'POLITICALLY CORRECT'" - uncles— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 6, 2013
Terrifying Alternate Timeline: GHOSTBUSTERS isn't made until 1998, stars Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Kelsey Grammer and Jennifer Aniston.— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) March 7, 2013
Every now&then there is a Hollywood Tour Bus outside my house. But they keep saying, "this is where David Schwimmer lives".— jason alexander (@IJasonAlexander) March 7, 2013
this movie ad on this web site just said "one of the most artful chillers" something. I pictured someone being mad good at hanging out.— Despot (@despotroast) March 8, 2013
Who are creeps relating to these days? Is it still Neo from The Matrix?— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) March 8, 2013
Just hope I live long enough to hear one of my grandchildren say "Star Wars? No one gives a shit about that anymore."— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 8, 2013
my cat that's afraid of people who spends her days screaming about being horny in my basement is strikingly similar to a lot of ppl i follow— Jorty Spice (@stumblebee) March 10, 2013
You can submit requests to the dj by text and my girl and I are using this to cyber bully him— Greg (@weedguy420boner) March 10, 2013
The best part about getting ready to go out on a Saturday night is putting on a robe, a pot of tea and saying fuck that shit— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) March 10, 2013
i have been blessed with two large sons who do not listen to me and inf act bully me daily.— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) March 10, 2013
i feel like a lot of people write Jean Claude Van Damme off because he's dumb & always does the splits— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) March 10, 2013
HELLO! We are a college improv group and ALL we need from YOU is external validation!— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 10, 2013
HOW THE FUCK DO THEY GET CARS IN THE MALL (don't @ me I don't really care).— molly (@Molly_Kats) March 10, 2013
Just ripped a fart that sounded like my grandpa saying "huh?"— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) March 11, 2013
Animal husbandry? U mean like when my husbend leaves popcorn on the sofa ;P— lehan (@leh0n) March 11, 2013
.@redbull I boiled red bull and the fumes gave me malaria— World Destroyer (@rappindad) March 11, 2013
im so sick of being the only man at work with big juicy tits, quit grabbin at those ya numbskulls— diesel (@dong_party) March 11, 2013
Bearded dude with a plaid shirt sitting next to me on the plane to SXSW. Talk about "central casting," right? Haha, we all die alone.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 12, 2013
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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