im the horny snow plow guy. i purposely plow snow into the driveways of hot babes so they have to come out in bikinis and redo the shoveling— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) February 28, 2013
"63-270 million sharks are killed each year" margin of error: 207 million sharks— tinybaby (@tinybaby) March 4, 2013
If you make pancakes for me I'm just going to yell "stacks on stacks" the whole time.— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) March 4, 2013
my husband is trying to slow cook me with his farts like i'm a pot roast or something— tinyseabeast (@tinyseabeast) March 4, 2013
At my wedding during the part where people object my friends start reading all my tweets and my bride-to-be runs out of the church crying— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) March 4, 2013
I’m officially done trying. If you want me in your life, you can comefind me. Until then, continue treating me like I don’t exist.— Adolf Hitler (@its_AdolfHitler) March 5, 2013
does anyone remember gangam style. anyone know what im talkin about— jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) March 5, 2013
*calmly shakes a turd out of pants leg at a wine tasting event*— BMcD's Millhaus (@AllNewBMcD) March 5, 2013
"Rule number 76. No excuses. Play like a champion" Vince Vaughn. Wedding Crashers.— Kobe Bryant (@kobebryant) March 6, 2013
"I GUESS I'M NOT 'POLITICALLY CORRECT'" - uncles— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 6, 2013
Terrifying Alternate Timeline: GHOSTBUSTERS isn't made until 1998, stars Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Kelsey Grammer and Jennifer Aniston.— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) March 7, 2013
Every now&then there is a Hollywood Tour Bus outside my house. But they keep saying, "this is where David Schwimmer lives".— jason alexander (@IJasonAlexander) March 7, 2013
this movie ad on this web site just said "one of the most artful chillers" something. I pictured someone being mad good at hanging out.— Despot (@despotroast) March 8, 2013
Who are creeps relating to these days? Is it still Neo from The Matrix?— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) March 8, 2013
Just hope I live long enough to hear one of my grandchildren say "Star Wars? No one gives a shit about that anymore."— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 8, 2013
my cat that's afraid of people who spends her days screaming about being horny in my basement is strikingly similar to a lot of ppl i follow— Jorty Spice (@stumblebee) March 10, 2013
You can submit requests to the dj by text and my girl and I are using this to cyber bully him— Greg (@weedguy420boner) March 10, 2013
The best part about getting ready to go out on a Saturday night is putting on a robe, a pot of tea and saying fuck that shit— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) March 10, 2013
i have been blessed with two large sons who do not listen to me and inf act bully me daily.— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) March 10, 2013
i feel like a lot of people write Jean Claude Van Damme off because he's dumb & always does the splits— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) March 10, 2013
HELLO! We are a college improv group and ALL we need from YOU is external validation!— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 10, 2013
HOW THE FUCK DO THEY GET CARS IN THE MALL (don't @ me I don't really care).— molly (@Molly_Kats) March 10, 2013
Just ripped a fart that sounded like my grandpa saying "huh?"— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) March 11, 2013
Animal husbandry? U mean like when my husbend leaves popcorn on the sofa ;P— lehan (@leh0n) March 11, 2013
.@redbull I boiled red bull and the fumes gave me malaria— World Destroyer (@rappindad) March 11, 2013
im so sick of being the only man at work with big juicy tits, quit grabbin at those ya numbskulls— diesel (@dong_party) March 11, 2013
Bearded dude with a plaid shirt sitting next to me on the plane to SXSW. Talk about "central casting," right? Haha, we all die alone.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 12, 2013
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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