A few days ago, a British scientist named Stephen Wolfram launched one of the most ambitious projects in the history of the Internet: Wolfram Alpha, a site which aims to condense all human knowledge into some kind of a thing that you can talk to with your computer. The site, though still in its infancy, is already being met with really boring articles and complete misunderstanding from all corners of the tech media. To help you understand this complex new technology, we've delved into the thing for some first impressions.

First, a simple calculation to demonstrate the powers of Wolfram Alpha: what proportion of the total gross national product of the United States is represented by box office receipts of Ernest Goes to Camp?

A respectable 0.0001689 percent! Now, something a little more controversial: how many times could a struggling New Orleans native watch Tyler Perry's "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" during Hurricane Katrina?

The answer: Not enough times! Next, something a little more scientifical: how much Ishtar can a human being endure before his musculature begins to break down?

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.