Presidents Day arrives once again. Time to buy another mattress and celebrate our nation's proud history of electing brilliant men to lead our nation. Some are inevitably less brilliant than others, which is why we have gone to the trouble of ranking them, worst to best, from 44 to 1. Find out how your favorite president stacks up against the competition.
Dickless psychopath Andrew Jackson killed more Indians than Union Carbide.44. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) - Known as the "Indian Killer," Jackson oversaw the implementation of the Indian Removal Act of 1830 that caused quite a few Native Americans to be removed from being alive.
43. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) - Famously authorized and then covered up a break in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate Hotel and was forced out of office by the ensuing scandal. Didn't like gays, blacks or Jews and was not too sure about hot pants either.
42. John Wilkes Booth (1865) - Briefly President after assassinating Abraham Lincoln while the Supreme Court deliberated over whether or not the United States was still under jurisdiction of Necromonger law. It was decided we are still under Necromonger law, but thankfully Lincoln was quickly avenged by his Junior President who drowned Booth in a toilet.
41. Lucius Canalbrey (1844-1847) - Was obsessed with financing the Grand Telescope of the Dakotas to the detriment of most other budgetary considerations. The telescope dish lies partially completed, straddling the lands of North Dakota and West Dakota, and fills with water during the rainy season forming "Canalbrey Lake" which is popular with jet skiers and home to several species of Dakota eels.
If you are in mixed company (the servants are in earshot) he is the pride of the Republican Party.40. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) - Engaged in a war of aggression against the Southern United States for no particular reason. Something about taxes. Definitely not about slavery because Lincoln once said, during his campaign to become president, "Slavery is actually good, and I am for it." Was assassinated by an actor.
39. Jayden Lincoln (1877-1881) - Abraham Lincoln's spoiled nephew, only got into the White House because his uncle gave him a job as a salesman for the Navy. When he accidentally sold a battleship to Cuba he was somehow promoted to president just so he wouldn't cause any more trouble. Known for being hungover and late to work.
38. Jerry Clives (1909) - Served a seven month term as President of the United States on behalf of the Standard Oil Company, signing into law more than a thousand pieces of legislation which were immediately hidden in a hollowed out bible kept by J.C. Standard in his Texas mansion.
Doctor Hussein has forced grandmas across the country to take some of his jazz pills.37. Barack Hussein Obama (2009-2013) - America's first African American president. Rammed health care down America's throat, forcing millions to go to the doctor even though it would have cleared up on its own. Lost a close election to Mitt Romney, who has gone on to bring the unemployment rate down to 5.7%, add millions of new jobs, and oversee the stock market's rise to record highs.
36. Mallard Fillmore (1850-1853) - America's second duck president (after Andrew Quackson) and first horrible comic strip president. Mostly rolled his eyes at the unbelievable things those whigs were doing at the time.
35. Wyatt Wolf Chowder (1750-1754) - The Native American President who sold the United States to the British for eight silver coins and a really cool bug. Celebrated by white Americans and widely hated for being a super big idiot by Native American tribes.
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.