This guy is really full of Spokker Jones.Many people have asked me, "Hey moron, what is the origin of the name 'Spokker Jones'?" Well I will tell you this much, many people have guessed what it does not mean. For the record, "Spokker Jones" isn't another term for a penis encrusted in scabs. It's not what you call a penis tied in a knot. It's definitely not a penis that has been cut off by an insane woman who caught her husband cheating on her with the mailman and the penis is sitting in the street being eaten by ants that love the taste of penis. In fact, believe it or not, it has nothing to do with penises at all! Quite the contrary, it's a term for a bunch of hogwash, flim flam, or gobbildy goop. Don't believe me? Well mister, you've got a lot of nerve because here is a real life example of it being used in conversation! Cherish this mp3 file with all of your heart. Save it, distribute it, send it to grandma. Do whatever it takes to get "Spokker Jones" into the American lingo. Soon children all over the world will be calling eachother a bunch of "Spokker Joneses". The day that a lawyer exclaims, "Your honor the defense is full of Spokker Jones!" and the judge says, "OVERRULED, HIPPY!!!" will be the day I can die a happy man. When a guy tries to sell you speakers at a gas station you tell him, "YOU ARE FULL OF SPOKKER JONES, BUDDY!" Do it for America.
Today's update is all about Spokker Jones. Similiar to the hit television program, "Penn and Teller's Spokker Jones", I will uncover the horrible Spokker Jones that permeates through our society. It's about the kind of Spokker Jones that people try to pull on unsuspecting old ladies all the time. These are the issues in today's society that even paid cable stations won't touch, and that has nothing to do with the fact that these issues are not interesting or compelling at all. Folks, this update may just change your life. Whether that's for the better or for the worse is up to the courts to decide.
Every year 79 percent of American teenagers go to the prom. Of those teens 90 percent end up banging in the backseat of a 1998 Toyota Corrola that contains roughly six months worth of fast food restaurant bags and cola cans. 50 percent of these kids end up getting pregnant, usually the girl, and have to decide whether or not to get an abortion or give birth to a future Weekend Web star. The debate over abortion is generally devided into three factions, the pro-choice folks, the pro-life folks, and the Huns. Pro-life advocates believe that retarded babies that will someday grow up to stab me in the face with a broken liquor bottle should be given birth to by people who have already stabbed me in the face with a broken liquor bottle. Pro-choice advocates believe that a good fall down the stairs never hurt anyone. The answer lies somewhere in the middle, and that is, of course, get a fucking job. The fact that you have time to organize pro-choice and pro-life rallies and blow up abortion clinics with crudely-made homemade explosives worries me. Maybe if you dedicated your life to something other than telling other people what to do with their bodies you'd get laid yourself. And then you might know what it's like to take your girlfriend to McDonald's to buy her a post-abortion Egg McMuffin before you run the fuck out of there with your freedom.
Video GamesIs this guy a MMORPG player or a sex offender? The answer might just surprise you! Actually it won't.The popularity of video games has sky-rocketed in the last decade. In fact, last year 80 percent of Americans purchased a video game console system. Of those people 49 percent have masturbated into their favorite t-shirt because the tissues were out and they had to think fast before they climaxed and accidentilly wore the soiled shirt to work the next day. 12 percent of those people never noticed. The rise in video game popularity is due mostly to the fact that people are dumb and fat. The most popular type of video game is the massively multiplayer online role playing game, named so for the massive multiples that role play online in them. MMORPGs became popular with the introduction of Everquest, which combined the excitement of waiting for things with the intense action of complaining about things. Extremely large somewhat human-looking nerds play the game constantly, foregoing such activities as sex, dating, and monster truck rallies. With every "Ding! Your skill in role playing a bunch of fantasy bullshit has gone up (9,203)!" message, players forget that they should be in school, at work, or waiting in the unemployment line. Instead of unemployment checks role players collect swords and rubies and other shit that no one with any ambition what-so-ever would care about. By killing sand spiders and forest beatles role players feel as if they have accomplished something. Companies like Sony and Square Enix sell a false sense of self-satisfaction for only twleve dollars a month. Soon another generation of nerds will lose their jobs to play Blizzard Entertainment's newest offering, World of Warcraft. Great, I say. Less competition in the job market for us normals.
New York City
New York City is the center of the world. From Wall Street to Broadway, New York is the center of all things culture. In fact, last year zero percent of New Yorkers went to a Broadway play and zero percent visited one of New York's many art museums. Oh give me a break. New York is full of shit and the center of nothing. New York's idea of culture is buying a hot dog from "Guido's" and riding the urine soaked subway to Yankee Stadium and then being murdered on the way home. New Yorkers have this attitude like they are the center of the universe and everyone else in the country is low class. After the planes hit the World Trade Center on September 11th the world poured their heart out to New York. And yet when Southern California is being ravaged by earthquakes and half of our goddamn freeways are falling over the average New Yorker's response is, in that trademark New York accent, "Well why do they live there?!?! They're nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores anyway!" I hope the terrorists come back and finish the job on New York so we never have to listen to another one of those New York fucks boast about how great that cesspool is. As long as they inform New Yorkers first of course. Maybe they can move to Maine or something and start anew.
Every year 99 percent of people who believe in something or other and are trying to get strangers to believe in that same thing use statistics to back up their claims. 99 percent of these statistics came to them in a dream. One statistic that is thrown around a lot these days is that one in four female college students experience rape or attempted rape. Now to the average passerby that's a horrible statistic and these monsters should be stopped. But what these groups don't tell you is what those statistics are actually based on. According to many women's groups the following actions constitute rape: looking at a woman, changing a female baby's diaper, having lewd thoughts about a woman, talking to women, working with women, seducing a black basketball star until he bends you over and fucks you for all you're worth and then changing your mind afterwards when you realize you can take this guy for all he's worth, and having sex after marriage. Now I'm of the belief that if someone is taken advantage of in any way we should nab the guilty party, take them out back to a field somewhere, and blow their brains out. But if you were felt up at a high school party because you got a little too drunk to say no, maybe we should put you in jail. Just saying, is all. Anyway most statistics are bullshit, think for yourself, blah blah blah.
Ah, it's another crazy election year and voter apathy is once again in full swing! This year, 13 percent of Americans believe that Bush should win another four years in office. 12 percent of Americans believe that John Kerry is the better man. And 75 percent of Americans worry about making next month's rent. Most Americans don't have time to care about which rich white man will win or lose the bid for presidency. We don't have time to read presidential press releases or go to national conventions and bang a lot of cheap hookers. We are at work every single day trying in vain to make a living. Most of us pick a morning radio personality and cast our vote that way. So just who are you voting for, Howard Stern, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, or Bill O'Reily? I will be voting come election day, but it will be for the lesser of two evils. And isn't that what America is all about?
Penn and Teller's Bullshit
Every year 86 percent of out of work magicians' new favorite show is Sally Jesse Raphael. Even if that wasn't true, they sure do have enough time to watch it now. Ever since Fox's hit specials called, "Let's Screw the Whole Magic Industry's Shit by Revealing How They Do Their Tricks", professional magicians have been feeling the sting of unemployment. But in the midst of everything a couple of crafty bastards jumped ship right before the shit hit the fan and started a great TV show called "Bullshit". Two guys, Penn and Teller, who made a living bullshitting people their entire lives, pull the lid on the bullshit scams of TV televangelists, bottled water companies, and people who eat dog food each and every week on Showtime. Of course, the bullshit is in the Bullshit. Penn Jillette seems to think that by yelling very loudly and cursing a whole lot he can pursuade anyone to do anything! I know that if a very large man in a suit came into my house screaming, "HEY THINK FOR YOURSELF YOU BASTARD! DON'T GET SCAMMED INTO GIVING HUDREDS OF DOLLARS TO PEOPLE AS STUPID AS YOU ARE!" I'd do whatever he says. Hey Penn and Teller, what if I like giving my money to people who write books about rearranging your furniture in certain positions that bring good luck and fortune? By devoting a whole show to telling me what not to do, isn't that the same thing as anti-smoking groups telling me to not smoke? This is insane and I'll have no part of it! Actually, it's an awesome show and I'm just shitting you. Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Something AwfulUh, some guy I guess...Many people think that writing for Something Awful is all fun and games. But last year 100 percent of Something Awful's staff was beaten regularly and went without supper every night. The culprit is a man named Rich Kyanka who also goes by the name "Lowtax". Our hidden cameras captured Rich Kyanka screaming at a staff member who was stripped away of his family name and given the name "Frolixo". Rich Kyanka was quoted as saying, "WHEN I TELL YOU TO COOK ME MACARONI AND CHEESE I DON'T MEAN COOK ME MACARONI AND CRAP!!! THAT'S TEN DAYS IN THE SCORPION BOX!!!" He then kicked the staff member and broke all his Star Wars toys, even Chewbacca. Last month one staff member managed to escape the Something Awful compound and told us his story. "Hello. My name is Greasnin. It's been so long that I have forgotten my real name. Every day was like living a nightmare at Something Awful. He fed us farts. He chained us to a bedpost and made us ship SA t-shirts that he rubbed on his butt. Every Saturday was 'daddy night' and- oh god please stop the camera. I can't do this anymore. SHUT THE FUCKING CAMERA OFF!" Greasnin, who we later found out was named Ben Platt, stormed out of the room and was hit by a tractor. Congress is currently pushing a bill that would make running a humor web site illegal. Rich Kyanka could not be reached for comment.
I feel like I have done a lot of good for the world. All in all it was a decent update. At least this time nobody was hurt or killed. So stay safe out there America and stay away from people, places, and things, and you'll live a long and happy life. In closing I'd like to say, screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo. Screw Frolixo.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.