For years, media darling Bill Cosby has had a vertical monopoly on asking children questions and getting whimsical answers. In an effort to break up this non-competitive environment I ventured to Whitebrook Elementary school in Chicago's north suburbs to speak with Mrs. Klinger's 3rd grade students. I asked them a broad range of questions, and boy was I surprised and amused by the answers I received.

In the interest of defeating Cosby's monopoly once and for all I present to you "Kids Says the Darnedest Shit".

"I want to have a shield like Captain America to stop daddy from hitting mommy."
"Invisibility so I can see what girls poop out."
"I would be Superman because bullets won't hurt him, and he can fly, and he can shoot ray beams out of his eyes, and he isn't Jewish."
"Water, turn into water, so I can feel the warmth inside of a Dolphin."
"I want to jump really far to win the Olympics so I can laugh at all of the bad countries."
"I like cotton candy because it is like eating a shirt made of candy."
"The sweetest taste of all is victory on the battlefield."
"Uncle Carl has me suck on the garden hose and then he turns it on because he says I'm practicing so I want to try what I'm practicing to eat."
"I like Go-gurt because it's a tangy treat for an on-the-go kid like me."
"I looooove eating paste because I think horses look delicious!"
"I would vote for mommy because she said if I didn't she is cutting welfare."
"If the founding fathers were alive today they would despair at the state of partisan rhetoric and the quality of candidates put forth by both major parties. That's why I would vote for Triple H."
"My cat Mrs. Crenshaw because she has a lot of black baby cats and that's like the president who daddy says wastes his money on all the black babies."
"I would vote for George Bush because he makes daddy so mad and I hate daddy."
"DMX because he reminds me of my bike."
"I can't get enough of Sounds of the Ocean 5! It just makes me want to dance like crazy."
"I like to listen to ragtime because it reminds me of the good old days when mommy couldn't vote."
"I can sing every Power Ranger song because I have been indoctrinated since birth to be a cow-eyed shallow-minded consumer."
"I enjoy the works of Phillip Glass because I have a stuttering problem and he shows me that I can overcome that by incorporating it into new age classical music."
"My favorite is Britney Spears. She looks like a clean girl that still likes to get it on."
"Always, Be, Closing! Blake from 'Glengarry Glen Ross' taught me the alphabet. "
"Kunta, Toby, whatever you call him, he's absolutely hilarious in 'Roots'."
"My favorite movie is 'The Little Mermaid' and I love Ariel because I want to grow legs some day and walk just like she did."
"I loved Jesus in 'The Passion of the Christ'. I like pretty much any movie where Jesus is getting beaten up."
"My favorite is Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh! When he shouts the name of the card he's using a shiver runs right down my spine."
"My daddy says that whole area should be turned into a window."
"I think we should have a circus and they can all come and have fun and get their minds off their troubles."
"I hope that some day Halliburton will rebuild my dollhouse that my brother totally wrecked."
"The president said things are going well and I agree with the president because there are a lot of really funny videos coming out of Iraq these days."
"Put Sandman back in charge. After all, it's his mess, so let him clean it up with his magical powers."
"Totally! Last week I projected ice out of my hand and froze my friend Kumar and then I punched him with an uppercut and he shattered into a thousand pieces."
"MTV's Jackass made me try to transform my penchant for stunts and pranks into a mediocre acting career."
"After listening to violent rapper Ice-T my sister now kills policemen daily."
"I don't know if reality TV show Survivor qualifies as violent, but I'm pretty sure it's responsible for me wetting the bed."
"That time when the Tyrannosaurus ate Tucker Carlson on Crossfire was pretty awesome but I might have just dreamed that because daddy was gluing his airplanes again. That's when I see fun things!"
"The inside of the dryer is the place where all of the cool kids take naps."
"Mysterious friendly strangers in unmarked utility vans tend to have wildly unconventional definitions of the phrase 'lots of delicious candy'."
"Those bottles under the kitchen sink are for pirates only."
"Rahowa!"
"When daddy hurts mommy from behind it's because they were eating a snack naked and she started choking."
"You can get just about anything for fewer than ten dollars in Thailand."
"I would like to visit France and then not buy anything so that France can feel my scathing political boycott firsthand."
"I have always wanted to go to Disneyworld to see if they have any unique branded merchandise not carried online or in brick-and-mortar outlets."
"I would like to go to New Zealand and see if I can meet Hobbits or Xena."
"Las Vegas seems as good a place as any to die for my religion."



If you enjoyed these straight-shooting answers, let me know, and I will compile the rest of the responses for you in an unplanned Part 2 of Kids Say the Darnedest Shit. I had a lot of fun with Mrs. Klinger and her scamps and look forward to paying them a visit down the road.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.