Hoolio shows us why Facebook should be closed to college students and starting pitchers.



Lowtax even got in on the action, proving once and for all he's more than a pretty face with a horrible, disfiguring sty sticking out of it.



And finally, korranus capped things off with an image that's had me chuckling for days. Maybe one day he'll teach me how to use Photoshop.





Carolina Panthers 7, Cincinnati Bengals 20: CAT VS. CAT IN AN EPIC BATTLE TO SEE WHO CAN PEE ON MORE OF GRANDMA’S PRIZED ANTIQUE PILLOWS

Detroit Lions 3, New York Jets 14: How do I make fun of this game when Pennington’s actually having a (comparatively) decent season thus far? Easy: KITTTTNNAAAAAAAAAAAA-RUUUUU

Green Bay Packers 21, Miami Dolphins 14: Yup, no gay sex/bestiality jokes to crack here... *whistles* *walks away*

Jacksonville Jaguars 17, Houston Texans 6: Every time I think of this game I get an image of David Carr and Byron Leftwich both struggling to open a jar of old pickles for a distraught old woman.

New England Patriots 24, Buffalo Bills 14: If, by chance, the Koreans drop a nuke on New York before this game starts, I really only have one wish: that the Patriots’ team bus stopped by early for a little sightseeing.

Philadelphia Eagles 35, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10: “Fly like an Eagle / To the sea / Fly like an eagle / To play a shitty football team in an equally shitty tourist trap where osteoporosis is as common as crotch-devouring genital ailments”

Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Atlanta Falcons 28: PLACES PANTSFISH WOULDN’T LIVE IN IF THE CITY OFFERED HIM A MANSION MADE OF GOLDEN BRICKS AND UNICORN SEMEN MORTAR: NFL EDITION

San Diego Chargers 20, Kansas City Chiefs 14: Trent Green takes a licking but keeps on sucking!

Denver Broncos 21, Cleveland Browns 3: The Browns run their plays in reverse when they practice in Australia.

Arizona Cardinals 28, Oakland Raiders 7: I’m giving the Raiders a touchdown in much the same way the state gives a death row inmate a steak before jacking my electric bill up by a couple cents.

Minnesota Vikings 21, Seattle Seahawks 31:: BONUS FUN FACT: More children can name a supreme court justice than they can a single player on the Vikings.

Washington Redskins 14, Indianapolis Colts 17: If you have trouble telling whether you’re watching a game or an ad, keep this in mind: in commercials, Peyton completes his passes.

New York Giants 35, Dallas Cowboys 21: Jeremy Shockey’s majestic eagle tattoo will hold the Giants aloft until the fourth quarter, at which point Eli Manning will realize he’s playing actual football and not a friendly game of pitch-and-catch with the Cowboys.



Evan "Pantsfish" Wade is horribly insecure and lives and dies by emails telling him how great he is. If you're feeling benevolent you can email him. He will probably even respond!

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade

More Pregame Wrapup

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.