Another year, my brother gave me a mouse that he thought a I'd like as a pet. Exactly three days later my entire family had to be hospitalized for six weeks with severe cases of scabies because the mouse had been bought from a Third World (the former organization in charge of the liberation of sector series policy) -Run Black Market Pet Store which I suppose had made an entrance in the American Eastern Conservative Party (AECP) on my parents' side of town recently. A hardy course of intravenous antibiotics later and we were out of there but it was a week before we could eat anything with eggs in it and three times that time before my brother could say the word, "carburetor" correctly. My poor brother. That was a bad Christmas in our house, a very bad Christmas.
Many goons form the Something Awful Forums have shared my experience with getting gifts that they didn't really want or appreciate for Christmas or whatever other gift-giving holiday the non-Jew heathens celebrate and shit. This week's Comedy Goldmine is based off of the mind-boggling concept of "What is the Worst Christmas Gift that You Have Ever Received?" Some of these were honestly reprehensible. Some of these stories will make you cry.GrimmMasterOoze: When I was kid, I received one of those McDonald's gift certificates "good for 1 cheeseburger," from my grandparents. At the time I thought it was a shitty gift.
100 Proof: Sometimes I don't understand my parents. Last year, among the better gifts from others, my dad got me a flashlight and a tire gauge.
Thanks Dad, this will help every time I ever need to know the PSI of my tire at 3am.
Linguica: At the age of 13 I received, from my grandparents, a black-and-white line picture of a clown drawn on velvet, along with three markers which I surmised were to be used to color the picture. The package said something about eight year olds. No other gift I have received comes close to that in terms of sheer inappropriateness.
ZentraediElite: I got a chain letter from my relatives once. It was to help starving children.
Cerebral Mayhem: My father-in-law is tops when it comes to cheap, horrible gifts. One year he gave me a government publication he got for free at work, something about the history of nuclear materials handling. Last year, he gave us a subscription to Southern Living.
Sensitive Al: My (now deceased) evil whisky voiced, chain smoking step grandmother used to knit me an itchy, too small cable knit sweater every year for christmas. I then had to wear the thing for the rest of the day. as bonus, she would knit a matching too small cable knit sweater for my dad. I don't remember him wearing his all day.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.