What a week! First I'm forced to miss a Pregame Wrapup because of moving, then I'm forced to write a Pregame Wrapup because I'm not moving anymore! If it wasn't for the mountains of cash Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka shoveled into my mailbox on a weekly basis I'd almost feel like a slave!
Have you ever seen two more competent, mature people buddying up on the same field? I think not. “Back in Austin Mike used to have a new girlfriend, like, every night. And they were all really hot. I remember one night when he walked into a party – you always remembered Mike's entrances, you could almost hear the steel guitar wailing in the background – and he had maybe the prettiest girl I've ever seen hanging off his arm. I mean, a perfect ten. Nothing wrong with her.
“So anyway, everyone's trying to decide if they want to look at Mike or this girl he brought with him. He had this wicked pair of wraparound glasses, I remember. He whips the things off his face, throws them in the back pocket of his wranglers, and turns to the girl. I'm thinking he's going to kiss her or whatever but instead he looks her right in the eye and says 'Get fucked, bitch.'.
“And the crazy thing is this chick squeals like he just proposed and runs back to his Camaro! She spent the rest of her time waiting in there, which took quite a bit since he chugged a fifth of Jager and passed out in my buddy's fishtank. Punched a hole in it to get the water out and threw the fish at the wall so they 'wouldn't run away', he said. They all stuck, of course. That's just the magic Mike had about him.”
- R. Malloy, college friend
“My favorite memory of Mike has to be the time he blew that game-winning field goal against the Steelers in the Playoffs. It was after the game, and of course everyone in the locker room was really upset.
“Mike was clowning around by his locker and Tony [Dungy, Colts head coach – ed] just stormed into the room. I don't think I'd ever seen him so wigged out. He walked right up to him, looked him in the eye, and said 'You know, you're no Vinatieri, Mike'.
“So Mike – and I'll never forget this as long as I live – he puts down this hula hoop he was swinging around his member, and he puts his hand on Tony's shoulder. He looks him in the eye and says 'Yeah, but I bet you wish I'd have kicked that chair out from under your son.'
“Tony gets this real weird look on his face like he's going to cry or hit Mike or something. The whole room's real tense. I'm pretty sure I heard Dallas Clark sobbing but it could have just been him whacking his pud and mumbling 'Dallas Clark' like he always does. Then Tony, well, he grabs Mike by the shoulders, says 'You crazy bastard', and hugs him so hard I thought it would crush his rib cage. It was a real weird day”
- Jeff Saturday, former teammate
- Peyton Manning, former teammate" alt=""> “One night I had to bum a ride home from the bars with Mike. It was probably 7 in the morning and he had a game a few hours, so he wanted to go back to the house and listen to Metallica to get psyched. We tried to discourage that because one day he started screaming 'exit light' and decided to eat every light bulb in the place right out of the socket, but you could never stop Mike once he set his mind on something.
“As we were driving home Mike popped on his tape deck and this godawful rock started playing. We sat there in silence for a minute, then he turned to me and asked 'Do you like Creed?' I said no. For a second there his face screwed up and I could tell he was pretty hurt, but then he just slammed his fist down on the dashboard. Didn't talk to me for the rest of the trip.”
- Terry Auh, former Sigma Pi brother
“I always remembered Mike as being a really good kid. He had a bad reputation, but everyone gets a little crazy in college. Everyone liked him but he only had a few good friends. One of them was this Jewish kid – I think his name was Silverman – and as I remember they'd both just landed a job at this big corporation.
“Now, Mike might have been a talented athlete but he was never that good with math. Him and his buddy screwed up big time on this financial print out, and their boss had them out to his house to talk about it. Turns out the guy was actually tied up in some nasty stuff – drugs, embezzling, gun running – and before he could reprimand them the mafia shot him and killed him.
“Of course, these poor kids were scared out of their wits. They had a dead body, there were guns and drugs everywhere, and the cops were coming. Mike obviously didn't want to go to jail, and neither did his friend, so they just pretended their boss was alive long enough to escape the mafia and the police. I remember seeing those two rascals haul that guy around in a rickshaw cart – I thought something might be up, but the way they partied, I figured the guy was just passed out or something.
“Anyway, Mike and his friend got out of trouble. I don't think Mike's friend ever got a girlfriend like he was trying to, and of course Mike ditched accounting for kicking after that. The rest, they say, is history.”
- Jeff Bertram Jr., University of West Virgina janitor
“I can't say I remember a lot about the guy. I heard he had a velvet painting of himself washing a Camaro on his ceiling so his girlfriends 'would have something pretty to look at', but that's about it. Pretty talented kicker, though.”
- Joel Moore, Sigma Pi chef (WVU chapter)
“I remember a few years ago me and The Big Dill (that's what he had us call him) were running around in a Jeep he'd tricked out with gold and silver zebra stripes. He had this great collection of Hypercolor T-shirts – he had a special airlock closet built so they wouldn't stop changing colors – and he was decked out in one of those and these track pants that unbuttoned down the front instead of the sides. Looked real suave, man, like a conquistador or something.
“He always used to like to start drinking at midnight and head to this high school around 7:30 to do what he called 'community service'. It was kind of a big deal around the locker room to get invited, so when he asked me to go I couldn't say yes fast enough. I remember at some point he uprooted a toilet at the bar and filled it with $5000 worth of cognac, then offered the ugliest girl in the bar a drink. While she was lapping it up he put his foot on the back of her head and shoved her whole face in it (he called it a 'royal swirly'), then stuffed a handful of hundred dollar bills down her pants and told her to 'go buy some pretty'.
“So around 7:30 in the morning we hit this high school. Mike had a pretty good buzz going – he had one of those beer straw hats, except it had a bag of cocaine at the top and both the tubes were running up his nose – when the buses let up. I have to admit I'm not big on younger girls, but Mike picked this one out... man, she was a looker. I'm sure she's modeling now or something. Mike was really putting on the moves, wooing the hell out of her, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him. Finally she started whining about being late for class or something and said she would scream if he didn't let go of her arm, then she bit his hand.
“The thing about Mike is he hates being bit to this day. You bite him, he isn't responsible for what he does to you. It's an unspoken rule, but I guess she didn't pick up on it. He turned around and elbowed that snooty little brat right in the jaw. He knew he'd done something wrong before she hit the ground, so we jumped back in the Jeep. It was real quiet out, and the crunch her face made was, like, hanging in the air. Sounded like an elephant stepping on a trash bag full of dry twigs. At this point people were starting to notice so we got the hell on out of there, but it's good to see a man stand up for his rights.”
- Marvin Harrison, former teammate
“The thing about Mike was he'd do just about anything to hurt someone's feelings. One time, right before he got cut, he flew the Goo Goo Dolls in 'just so he could call them faggots to their faces'. Seriously. Spent like, 20, 30,000 dollars bringing these guys in just because he wanted to insult them. They thought it was a corporate rental gig so they brought all their gear, and as they were unloading it off the bus Mike was just like 'you didn't need to bring all that, I just wanted to call you faggots'.
“Sometimes he didn't really mesh with me well, either. He cut all the power to the locker room before a game once and started shouting 'hey, Drew, now we're all in Troy Aikman's shadow'. I thought he was done after that so I just kind of let it slip, but then when they shut the lights off in the stadium to announce the lineups he started screaming Trrrooooyyyyy is coooommmmiiiiiinnnng and the whole team starts busting up. I wasn't about to take that so I threw, like, eight interceptions that game just to show how important I was. I told you that wasn't my fault.”
Drew Bledsoe, former Cowboys first-string QB and teammate
A few weeks ago we saw Shane Battier's (now-defunct) "Shaneisms" site and knew we had to do something with it. It was just too good a concept. To help spread such a novel idea we here at Pregame Wrapup have created "-isms", a series of 20-question looks at some of the nation's most popular athletes. For our inaugural issue we talked to Jermaine O'Neal. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we did talking to Jermaine.
San Fransisco 49ers 10, Seattle Seahawks 28: Neither of these teams are going to the Super Bowl this year so you annoying sportscaster faggots can go ahead and find some other uninteresting crap to talk about during this game.
Dallas Cowboys 21, Atlanta Falcons 17: Vick flipping his fans off was just a small scale reenactment of what the Falcons do to Atlanta every week.
Cleveland Browns 3, Baltimore Ravens 24: BREAKING NEWS: Vandals replace Browns’ entrance tent with novelty tent-sized colostomy bag; fans fail to notice.
Detroit Lions 31, Green Bay Packers 20: I wonder how bad it hurts Brett Favre to know John Kitna is a more effective quarterback than him.
Houston Texans 8, New England Patriots 19: Ever wanted to see George Washington kick a grizzled cowboy in the balls?
Jacksonville Jaguars 23, Tennessee Titans 10: Vince Young can gloat about his win over the Colts while Peyton Manning's beating him over the head with a Super Bowl trophy.
New York Jets 10, Minnesota Vikings 13: Giving a Minnesota team a “tough” name is like calling Wisconsin girls “thin” and/or “attractive”.
Pittsburgh Steelers 13, Carolina Panthers 21: “That thur kin-cussion knawked thuh futbaw out mah hee-yad! A-hurp!”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3, Chicago Bears 23: I recently met some guys who played high school sports with Rex Grossman. They tell me he used to be a big coke head. Also, his dad owns an eye care clinic about a mile from where I live. The moral of this story? I couldn't think of a joke for this game.
Washington Redskins 18, New Orleans Saints 21: I want you to look at this thing and tell me god doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Denver Broncos 32, Arizona Cardinals 10: Here’s a little game for you: Take the words “of”, “shit”, “bunch”, and “gay”. Put them in any order you want. Congratulations! You just described this matchup.
Miami Dolphins 14, Buffalo Bills 11: I’ve always wanted to watch a game where the field looks like a Lisa Frank Trapper-Keeper!
Philadelphia Eagles 13, New York Giants 20: If you live in Philadelphia and want to have fun, find Donovan McNabb and rip a large piece of Velcro right behind his head. Chances are he’ll shout something like “next year I promise” and reflexively shield his knee with his checkbook.
St. Louis Rams 3, Oakland Raiders 7: With any other two teams the score would be the result of a great defensive game.
Kansas City Chiefs 18, San Diego Chargers 24: Trent Green is the whitest man ever in a league that once employed John Madden as a coach. Think about that for a second.
Cincinnati Bengals 7, Indianapolis Colts 32: TWO QUARTERBACKS. FOUR LAST NAMES. EIGHTEEN BILLION MILES OF CAVERNOUS VAGINA. THIS SUNDAY. SPONSORED BY MASTERCARD.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The only thing better than sports is making fun of sports. Pregame Wrapup, the Internet's premiere biweekly sports humor column, is both educational and amusing... kind of like that birthday clown who took you on your journey to manhood! SPORTS!