At a Glance: Recently I have been overcome with compassion. Although I am still running tests, I believe the onset of this kindness virus came when I noticed a large sign saying "God Bless". An intense rush of something overcame me at that moment and I suddenly wanted to care about people. I disregarded the "our ninety-nine cent boneless wings" underneath this heavenly message and began to wonder what I could do to help those in need. Through much meditation and stigmata I came to the conclusion that I could utilize this space the internet has given me to call attention to those who have it worse off than me. Of course, by reviewing a game about diabetic elephants, I mean the being an elephant. Also diabetic.
Platform: SNES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Download ROM here - 64k
Game Plot: Diabetes is much like my main character "DeathScythe" and his infamous "Lasyr Destruc-Tor" attack in my Three's Company fanfiction/webcomic. It's not entirely fatal at first but can cause your heart to explode unless you go on a mystic journey with John Ritter's character Jack Tripper. Just like DeathScythe, it attacks your blood sugar levels with a dazzling array of alien weaponry and martial arts skill that can only be matched by Jack Tripper. It can easily be said that if John Ritter was still alive and played Jack in my screenplay version of this story, we might have a cure today...
Sorry, got off point. Diabetes is one of the diseases that should go on everyone's "that isn't fun" list. (This is right next to their "extremely fun diseases" list.) Imagine having to tell a little kid that they will have to get used to stabbing themselves with a needle every day. Although this type of behavior is normal in the country of Stabatopia, other kids face a tough dilemma of a disease that has to be constantly monitored and regulated in a not so fun way.
With no cure in sight upon the time of 1995 CE, game developers took the steps necessary to push children over the edge so they would forcefully end their lives with a lancet to the eyeball. Packy and Marlon are two elephants with diabetes. Say hi to them. Now say goodbye to Marlon because as you play this game you may notice Marlon's curious omission. Anyone familiar with what happened in the triple homicide case "US vs. Honeybear" will know exactly what this means.
The plot provides the kind of compelling struggle based on current events that every child craves. Evil, sadistic rats have left food all over the place as well as setting up a puppet government with rigged elections. Totalitarian anti-diabetic laws have been enacted that require all creatures to greedily stuff food down their throats. The sinful and gluttonous animals of Camp Wa-kee are all too willing to comply. Packy and Marlon are rebels in the eyes of the law and are hunted down like dogs. This is extremely similar to what happened in America during the 1700s', when diabetic maraca players were hunted down by the government. Thank god the civil rights movement of the 1770's helped to remove racial tensions between people with powdered wigs and people with powdered wigs who played the maracas and smoked dope. (Additional Joke: Imagine tie-dye petticoats. This was not funny enough to warrant its' own joke, but an expanded version will be included in the paperback version of this review).
Weapons: Your weapons are limited in this game to peanuts and blasts of water. You can get the upgraded version of either of these powers if you pledge your loyalty to the dark lord "Inlu`sin". Despite the amount of weaponry upgrades there is no item that will get rid of your diabetes. I can imagine the makers of this game, Raya Systems, would have commented that the lack of this type of power-up would "diminish the realistic feel we hoped to create when we went about programming this game." Now envision this spokesperson sitting on a thrown comprised out of the finely compacted hopes of little children while wearing a crown made out of tears. This provides a realistic feel.
Enemies: : are not so nice. Friends are better.
Levels: Eighteen grueling cookie cutter levels are waiting to be played in Packy and Marlon. After about six stages you will notice that the levels repeat themselves. This directly translates into you having to repeat each type of stage about four times, with around five types of stages. Variation occurs, but generally in the type of subterfuge used by game developers when they expect you to believe different colors equal different enemies.
Each level contains a number of friends that you must run into and answers questions regarding diabetes. Packy and Marlon appear to be quite popular, with friends such as lions with a hat on, beavers with a hat on, zebras with a hat on, dolphins with a hat on, and an Eskimo. Questions include what insulin does to your blood sugar levels, when you should take insulin, and a healthy rotation of injection sites. Inquiries about how a karate chopping Eskimo knows more about diabetes than you are ignored and put on your permanent record (which you know stays with you FOREVER). If you get your questions right, you get a star. What this star does besides symbolize the obvious satanic subculture within the diabetic community, I have no clue.
Bosses: Bosses are exactly like the bosses you will encounter in real life working in America. Giant rats with boxing gloves, spiritual rodents, flaming blowfish, and ghosts who shoot out little ghosts from their hands are villains you must overcome with your knowledge of diabetes and peanut physics.
Defining Moment: I squinted in pain as the needle pushed through my skin. A tingling euphoria took me over, rising from my feet to my eyeballs. Then it kicked in. An explosion of vivid tastes, sharp sounds, hundreds of smells, and patterns of light attacked me all at once. I've never had a seizure, but I'm pretty sure this is what would happen if a seizure got a desk job and wasn't so violent. Oh god it was amazing.
That would be the first and only time I would keep my insulin and heroin jars next to each other.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Rom Pit is dedicated to reviewing the most bizarre and screwed up classic console games from the 1980's, the ones that made you wonder what kind of illegal substances the programmers were smoking when they worked on them. Strangely enough, the same illegal substances are often necessary to enjoy or make sense of most of these titles. No horrible Nintendo game is safe from the justice of the ROM Pit.