Events: Beat the elderly, scare your children into heterosexuality, "Landmines for the Impotent", "National Gravity Awareness Day", Angela Landsbury shoots flames out of her nipples, is your neighbor a serial killer?, magicians.

2.1.2000 - State Og holds it's first annual "Wack-A-Mole" triathlon, where sporting fans of all ages are encouraged to put their skills to the max and accost the elderly in various retirement homes! Special awards are given to those, who in the most creative manner, find a way to "get some butter into the old fart's systems". Contest starts at 9 pm sharp, at the Kyossett City Army Testing grounds.

2.2.2000 - Check out State Og's high-impact report of "Sawdust - The Invisible Mongoose" on State Og TV, channel 13, at 7 PM This is one of Harris Nyler's most in-depth reports, which will both shock and amaze you! WARNING: Children under the age of 12 should NOT be beaten with construction cones while this show airs.

2.3.2000 - Make your fucking house look nice again when Dusty Bender shows you the "12 Easy Steps to Installing a Large Computerized Evil Brain in Your Shitty Ass House". This is the beginning of a 3 part series, to be continued next week with "Faucets - You Don't Really Need Them" and followed by "The Friendly Magician Who Lives in Your Cupboard", which features special computerized animation done by a deaf five year old with the rickets.

2.4.2000 - Kids love dinosaurs, and State Og is ready to give your children a treat with the wonderful new service, "Scare Your Kids Into Heterosexuality"! This not-for-profit service includes a State Og representative coming over to your house and making your child eat old tuna from a filthy tennis shoe. State Og hopes that this "tried and true" method of reforming "probable homosexuals" can help you and your family out!

2.5.2000 - Our "Landmines for the Impotent" parade begins on West Third Street and continues to Blakemore Avenue, at around 2 PM Randy Visciotto and Marleen Smythe will participate by shooting pressurized air cannons full of magnesium at all those people who have made the unfortunate mistake of being on the streets at the time. Parade will end with a "watermelon rape ceremony", where everybody is invited to grab a watermelon and "stick their penis in it".

 
 

2.6.2000 - "National Gravity Awareness Day" kicks off the festivities in full force at the Baker T. Lampeen Memorial Hall and Courthouse! Activities include: dropping things onto the ground, watching things fall towards the earth, observing the tendency for most objects to not rise into the sky, and, everybody's favorite, tossing a live turtle from the roof of the nearby 7-11. Look for exclusive coverage from Harris Nyler, if he ever returns from the bathroom.

2.7.2000 - Channel 13 is presenting the two part biography, "I Was a Fat Slut Trapped in the Body of a Boring Decaying Woman - The Angela Landsbury Story". In this exciting, action packed documentary, State Og portrays a fictional account of Angela Landsbury's life if she was 12 feet tall, spoke ancient Hebrew, and shot flames out of her nipples. Look for the part of Mrs. Landsbury to be played by noted character witness Dr. Barbara Stevens, who has an awful scar on her right arm.

2.10.2000 - Don't say we never give anything back to the community! On June 11, at about 5:00 PM, we're holding a Senior Citizens Dance Party at the Hillman County YMCA. This fun event will have a special DJ spin some hits from their times, catering from Maria Antonio's Pasta Warehouse, and some keen turbocharged wheelchairs courtesy of Stinky Jim's House of the Old and Infirm. We're trying to convince spunky 83 year old Gertrude Macenal to do her "Funky Chicken" dance, which features her swaying her hips, bobbing up and down, and then dropping to the floor, grabbing her chest and wheezing. So make a note on your calendar for this date, it's going to be a load of fun!

2.11.2000 - We at State Og love animals! And what's a better way to show this than to provide a "State Og Animal Exhibit" at the Hillman County YMCA, around 5:00 PM Among other things, we'll have an "open area" petting zoo that includes rattlesnakes, poison dart tree frogs, tarantulas, wild boars, hawks that have we've thrown stones at for the past 2 months to get them really angry so they'll pluck out your child's eyes, leeches, sewer rats, rabid pit bulls, and various plucky airborne diseases. We hope you see you there, we're expecting a big turnout!

2.12.2000 - State Og News plans on airing the highly anticipated informational program, "How to Tell if Your Neighbor is a Serial Killer Who Will Stab You to Death When You Sleep". Investigative reporter Reese Clamlock reveals the chilling characteristics that ALL serial killers had in common, some of which being:

  • They were all carbon based life forms.
  • Most serial killers have / had names.
  • At one time in their lives, many murderers have eaten at a restaurant. Reese warns of the foods that may attract these criminals.
  • Almost ALL serial killers broke the law.
  • A good portion of these criminals have breathed the SAME air your kids do!

Tune in for this chilling report. It just MAY save your life!

 
 

2.13.2000 - The Pikesburgh Generals, a Double A baseball team affiliated with the Baltimore Orioles, will host the 3rd Annual "Take Your Kids to the Ballgame" day. State Og is sponsoring this event, providing some free calendars that feature obese Portuguese women sitting in kayaks in the back of an old Chevy pickup. Look for our booth at the next Pikesburgh General big event on July 7th, "Take Your Kids Back Home From the Ballgame" day.

– Lowtax

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