State Og would like to extend a warm welcome to our new agents, but federal law prohibits us from doing so after the events of the Initiation Massacre of 2000. In retrospect, we were just asking for trouble by naming it that. Special thanks this week go to: Matthew "Swami" Frederickson, Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott, Elijah "Like The Wood" Bagdonas, and John "Clitch" MacBean.
To: Research and Development Department
From: Marketing Department
Re: Less Research, More Development
It has come to my attention that your department is delaying the release of the tentatively titled LOVE STENCH perfume. The release of this product on time is required to complete the company’s new mission statement:
We, State Og, will produce products that turn people into zombies.
With concurrent release of our NECRID foot powder, CAUCOPHONY earmuffs, PENIS TRAP condoms, COELACANTH fish sticks, and MR. T toilet paper, our vision will finally become reality on a global scale. You'll recall that we unanimously came to the conclusion that people want to be zombies after seeing the results from a recent poll on CBN News:
Don’t you not wanna become no zombie?
Margin of error: 50ish %
Let me know when you plan on releasing it, or else.
The New And Improved Dust Mite
Since its discovery in 1694 by microscope inventor Anton van Leeuwenhoek, the dust mite has remained the most mundane of God's microscopic creatures. Too small to be seen, heard, or tasted, the dust mite has served only to irritate our nasal passages while eking out a miserable existence eating our discarded flakes of skin.
Until now, that is. In blatant defiance of God's will, State Og has undertaken the most ambitious dust mite improvement project ever. Using state-of-the-art technology pieced together from 200 Commodore 64s, we are currently modifying the dust mite to make use of the following upgrades:
- Increased Skin-Eating Capability
The average human sheds 2 to 3 billion skin cells a day. Obviously, the skin cells are not happy to be discarded in such a manner. It is only through sheer luck that humanity has not been buried in a flood of vengeful skin cells, intent on killing their former masters. To prevent this nightmarish scenario from ever taking place, we have increased the dust mite's ability to eat human skin tenfold. While this has resulted in the unfortunate consumption of several of our lab workers, we at State Og are confident the dust mites will learn not to eat living skin cells through an educational program we call "Skin Cells and You: Appropriate and Inappropriate Times of Ingestion."
- Increased Size
Humans despise what they cannot see. For this reason, dust mites have classically been placed in the same hateful category as our eternal enemy, oxygen. With this in mind, State Og scientists have endeavored to make the dust mite more visible. They will now be roughly seven feet tall, and will be fitted with numerous strobe lights.
- Improved Phallus
The dust mite, having a microscopic penis, suffers from extremely low self-esteem. To combat this, new dust mites will feature a razor-sharp telescoping phallus capable of extending from its retracted state to well over fifteen feet in only 0.3 seconds. Also, the dust mite's semen has been replaced with molten iron.
- Improved Voice
New dust mites will be able to sing.
These are just a few of the exciting new features that will be available in the State Og dust mite. In coming months, we will continue to bring you exciting updates, provided we can hire new mite-wranglers to replace the ones that were eaten.
Don't Wait! Act Now!
Tired? Overworked? Underpaid? Fat? Fret not, young internet friend! May your troubles be solved! State OG is proud to annouce a great new money making opportunity that is sure to make you jump and/or skip for joy. New do-it-yourself home employment packages are shipping now and will set your life and cat on fire.
Order now and see that these helpful guides will show you all you need to know about finding suckers like yourself to buy informative guides and work from their own homes. We include step-by-step instructions on how to flip through many pages of step-by-step instructions. This is not a pyramid scheme like previous State OG offers. Egyptian warriors will not contact you again once your $5 donation has been secured. This is possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity that is sure to make you hundreds, NAY, THOUSANDS of new email friends!
If you have ever doubted your abilities or confidence in making your dreams come true, then this program is for you! End the stress! End the fatigue! End world hunger! CALL NOW! Operators are sitting by to take your cash and precious gold.
State Og Promises Diet That's To Die For
Are you tired of weight-loss programs with unreasonable requirements? Don't eat carbs, exercise, eat less, take this pill every day, count calories, sit here and sweat for an hour, take the stairs fatty, snort this line, lay down while the doctor pokes you in the ass with this suction wand, hang out in Auschwitz with a watchmaker named Noel. We've all tried them, and they're all the same. You have to do stuff. You'd think someone could find a way to help you lose weight with absolutely no effort on your part. Well State OG is here to answer your selfish little prayers. Why? Because God's too busy helping good people.
State OG's Questionable Methods For Convenience Department has developed the cutting edge in weight-loss. We kill you.
We know what you're thinking. "Can it really be that simple?"
Let's assume that it is.
State OG's Rigor Lesstis Program is designed to help you lose those unsightly pounds while you relax in the comfort of your very own refrigerated drawer. And as we promised, there's absolutely no effort, on your part, required. We'll come to you! In fact, you don't even have to call. We're already on our way.
After you've decomposed those pounds away, we'll reanimate* you. Imagine waking up in the world of tomorrow with that slim body you've always wanted. As an added bonus to you ladies, you'll have the longer hair and nails you've found so difficult to grow while alive.
We here at State OG are always endeavoring to make your life simpler, whether you like it or not.
*Note: Reanimation trials scheduled for 8/24/2016- State Og Representative
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!