At State Og, we have so much confidence in our products that we let them speak for themselves instead of shamelessly plugging them. We feel it's best to let the incredible power of our Suckbuster 2.5 speak for itself, as well as the sleek and elegant design of the Box-Shaped Useless Box. We refuse to whore ourselves out for these incredibly priced items available at stores everywhere. Special thanks this week go to: Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott and Don "Motorcycle" Jolly.
Anti-Terrorist Products From State Og
Imagine, if you will, the following scenario: terrorists have taken over the United States. Already they are in your house, tracking dirt everywhere, infesting your home with lice from their comically large beards, and building refuse-heap shrines to their un-American god. Confident in their complete control over you and your home, one of the invaders decides to cook a microwave dinner. You watch with complete helplessness as he tears the plastic-encased food tray from the cardboard box and contemptuously tosses it in the microwave. He reaches out to punch in the directed cooking time - and he is suddenly bathed in flames as a jet of napalm shoots from your microwave, killing him within seconds!
What just happened? Why, nothing but the latest innovation from State Og's Office of Perennial Pessimism! Realizing that it is only a matter of time before terrorists take over, we have created a line of products that look exactly like everyday household items, but which have been designed to function completely unpredictably when activated. That Allah-worshiping terrorist may think he's pretty smart when he slides behind the wheel of your minivan, but he won't feel so great about himself when the brake pedal actually makes the car go faster! Or when the gas pedal makes the car catch fire! Or when turning the wheel makes a twelve-inch stainless steel spike drive itself repeatedly into his genitals!
How about your coffee maker? He may think he's about to get a delicious cup of fresh-brewed coffee, but as soon as he puts the filter in, he's actually going to get a high-pressure stream of mercury in his eyes! He'll also get a crotch-full of twelve-inch stainless steel spike!
But what if the terrorists sit on your couch? Not to worry! As soon as they sit down, four rabid badgers will be ejected from under the couch. These badgers may appear to be regular household couch badgers, but in reality they are State Og ROBO-BADGERS which have been programmed to eat the eyes of anyone sitting on the couch they were ejected from! Also, their noses have been replaced with a twelve-inch stainless steel spike.
You may now be asking yourself, "Can I afford to purchase all new products to replace my current terrorist-friendly items?" Well, here's the best part: you don't need to! Chances are, our highly trained covert operatives have already been in your home and replaced random items with anti-terrorist ones! Now you can gaze at your coffee maker, safe in the knowledge that if anyone turns it on, they just might get an eyeful of mercury and a crotch-full of spike. Or maybe it's the couch. Or the air conditioner. Or the refrigerator. You don't know for certain, and we didn't keep records, which means the terrorists are sure not to know! So rest easy (unless we replaced your bed with an anti-terrorist bed, in which case we really recommend not sleeping in it), confident that you and your family are as safe as safe can be!
The Bees And The Bees
Thank you for your purchase of "Bees" brand condoms! We at State Og would like to welcome you to the new and exciting world of insect birth control. To ensure you know the proper features and uses of your new Bees condoms, we have included some answers to commonly asked questions below.
When were Bees first packaged as condoms?
The inception of the Bees project was a happy accident. In one of State Og's many hidden underground hives, where bees and similar insects are trained to spread alien viruses among the general public, a certain rogue faction of lab technicians and janitors began abusing the insects in bizarre and most unnatural ways. Once State Og discovered the ghastly nature of the perversions that swarmed and festered within the shriveled hearts of the hive employees, they were immediately promoted to upper management- leaving only a stock of bees with a taste for semen behind. And at State Og, we believe that when you have lemons you make lemonade - and when you have spermicidal bees, you make condoms.
How do I use Bees?
To apply your Bees brand condom, just open one of the individual "hive" packets immediately before the initiation of sexual intercourse. The Bees should swarm out and latch onto the penis, crawling and twitching about the sensitive skin in preparation for the coming feast. It is suggested that excess movement and foreplay be ignored once the Bees are applied - agitating them may lead to stinging.
Upon penetration the Bees will disperse inside the vagina - crawling about and massaging the most tender parts of a woman with their tiny carapaced appendages. It is here that Bees go into action - devouring the sperm as it leaks from the penis with their powerful mandibles.
How Do I Clean Up Bees?
After intercourse is complete, most of the Bees should have died from gorging themselves to death on your semen or delivering stings to either the interior of the vagina or the exterior of the penis.
For men, clean up is simple. Just wipe any excess bee carcasses off the shaft of the penis with a swift flicking motion. Be careful! If the Bee expired with its stinger intact, it can still injure you! Most of these Bees will have died from over-eating. Be on the look out for broken, slimy torsos that explode in a Rorschach blot of would-be children.
For women, clean up is more complicated. If the vagina is suitably loose, many of the carcasses will just fall out after a brisk shaking. For tighter confines, a special cleaning wand or a garden hose may be used. The cleaning rod can be ordered from State Og directly for the price of $15.98, but by the looks of your girlfriend she won't be needing it.
How Do I Dispose Of Bees?
Bees are all natural and completely bio-degradable. After they die, their corpses will rot back into the earth from whence they came - becoming one with the creation force that you have just shunned away from by choosing to block the miracle of life with a shield made of insects. It's this dedication to the environment that truly makes Bees "nature's condom."
Do Women Prefer Bees?
Yes! Besides being the only condom "winged for her pleasure," Bees have been proven 60% more pleasurable than standard condoms in an independent study conducted by my sexually mischievous lesbian niece. Of course, this is all
common sense. What woman wouldn't want to open the very canal of birth to a horde of hairy twittering insects?
A Bee found its way into my urethra - what should I do?
You're on your own.
Additional problems with Bees or African Bees brand condoms should be referred to State Og customer relations, who can be contacted by ingesting peyote and boiling the blood of 2 virginal rams - staring into the swirls of steam produced and finally seeing those terrible colors beyond color that will provide the answers to any query.- State Og Representative
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!