Note to all employees scheduled to work on Halloween: come dressed all in black and be sure to leave your car parked at least a mile down the road from our offices. All the lights will be out so as to drive away potential trick-or-treaters, and our speaker system blaring "FREE CANDY SO GOOD FREE CANDY COME GET IT" to all passerby will be turned down to half volume for the night. Special thanks this week go to: Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson, Chris “Bimston” Robison, and Matthew "Swami" Frederickson.
Paint: Nature's Food Coloring
State Og is sad to announce the discontinuation of our popular line of exterior and interior house paints. We sort of forgot that it's illegal to make paint containing lead nowadays, but that’s OK because we will now have more lead to make our diet cola with. We hope our move confirms State Og's commitment to providing safe products to the public, and, frankly, we don’t want to fight the feds over this matter, lest they start investigating the heavy-metal levels of other products such as our polio vaccine.
But if you’ve got a house to paint, don’t worry, we’ve got a new product line to replace the old: State Og Brand Depleted-Uranium-Based Paint! This fine product features qualities you just can’t find with other paints:
· A house painted with our new product can destroy a tank, if it’s fired out of the appropriate cannon.
· 9 out of 10 children prefer the taste of paint chips containing depleted uranium over lead, according to recent studies. Plus, depleted uranium is Atkins-compatible, because it’s low carb!
· If you paint the interior of your home with our new paint, you’ll be able to light cigarettes by vigorously rubbing them against a wall.
· The pigments we use produce colors so vibrant that things painted with them are considered sexually irresistible to birds, hippopotamuses and assorted sea monsters.
Order now and you’ll receive a free can of State Og Brand Paint Remover. This amazing solvent strips off old paint even faster than our polio vaccine does!
State Og Software Update
As State Og continues its updates of the new OgBoostMax InterwebSolutionPRO 2.4a software, you may notice a few minor disruptions in your computer performance. Of course, the help desk is always available to help with any computer difficulties or questions that you might have via our secret helpline (extension XXXXX [number classified by SODA]) every Thursday between 2:53 and 3:17 AM. While you wait for our competent and timely* help, please read the list of solutions to common problems associated with the software updates.
Error message 105: cannot connect to Root Server – program and recompile the code of the program kernel to be compatible with the BIOS of your system.
Computer emits a low hum that attracts bovines and/or ovines – use your State Og brand Grindiose (™ pending) 2000 meat grinder to make delicious meat pastries for your friends and family. In the event that llamas are attracted to your computer, please forward them to the Camel Processing division for cataloging and subsequent assignment.
Keyboard and mouse no longer work – under “Options”, click on the “Preferences” tab then on "Work Better”. You will be asked for your forty-three digit alphanumeric password. When prompted, run through the interface calibration wizard.
Sherpa guides refuse to traverse the western slope – make sure your de-interlacing option is set to on. If the interlacing options are grayed out, you may need to remove your computer’s processor and give it a good spit shine.
Error message 448: cannot detect Computer – check to make sure your computer is present and not a figment of your fevered imagination. The easiest way to determine this is to ascertain that you are, in fact, using a real operating system. Skindows is not a real operating system, nor is Computro IV: Crimean Caper.
Computer causes accidental death or dismemberment – raise your hand and a hall proctor will come to assist you. To expedite the process, be ready with your name, employee ID, and a haiku extolling the gentle dignity of the muskrat. Polecat haikus will not be tolerated.
*legal notice: “competent and timely” is a trademark of the State Og Health and Human Servitude Helpdesk Committee for Change. Help given by the helpdesk helpline is neither timely nor competent. The helpdesk is not considered to be a help-dispensing division under State Og code 343/9 and may be infested with leeches. State Og is not responsible for death or injury that results from following, ignoring, or actively opposing software updates and bug fixes.
From: Norman in Research and Development
To: Mr. Clark, Senior Manager of new Technologies for State Og
Re: Entropy vacuum
I would like to inform you of a great development breakthrough. Remember in your college physics and chemistry classes when your professor explained the concept of ENTROPY??? Remember how they said the entropy of the universe can only increase, and never decrease? Well, we just made a machine that reverses the effects of entropy!
Now, before you brush this off as the psychotic ramblings of an overworked and/or drugged up underling, I'll explain to you the process by which we created this glorious machine! It all started out as I was walking in the woods, and I came across a humble hermit with sticks in his hair. He told me that he would give me the greatest mechanical and scientific intelligence for as long as I lived, as long as I promised him my soul. I wondered for a while if giving up my eternal soul would really benefit the company. Don't worry, I knew better. I wasn't really going to use my soul outside of the workplace, so I did what I thought was best for State Og. Now the hermit has my soul, and I'm pretty darn good at building things!
Here's how the machine works:
First, you insert something in the machine that is in a state of disorder (entropy), and it comes out in a more ordered state. It sucks out all the entropy energy like a vacuum! For example, put in a messed up Rubik's Cube, and it will come out solved! Put in a broken car, and it comes out fixed!
It also recovers the entropy energy and converts it to matter. Right now, the only matter it's converted to is orange popsicles. I'm working on grape flavor, but that's some pretty complex physics to deal with.
This could solve a lot of problems around the world! The company will make so much money off of this!
So, I was wondering if I could get a bonus this year. My wife and kids are starving, and they won't last much longer.
From: Mr. Clark, Senior Manager of new Technologies for State Og
To: Norman in Research and Development
Re: Re: Entropy vacuum
Good job. I don't like orange popsicles, so you may give them to your family. If you develop grape flavor, send one to me immediately.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!