As 2009 comes to a close, video game sites continue their quest to generate precious clicks with lazy features like "Best Games Of The Decade" and "The Most Influential Games Of The Last Yen Years" and "List Game Top Decade 10". Why they even bother, I'll never know. After all, the games have already been reviewed and scored using math, which is infallible. Just head on over to Metacritic and you'll see that the best PC game of 2009 was Street Fighter IV. See? It's in the history books, people. Iron clad.
Thankfully, Video Game Article is always looking ahead. It comes so naturally that I feel compelled to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your death, but that's not really on topic now is it?
As I dial back the futureometer a bit, I find myself settling upon the year 2019. The landscape of video games certainly looks very different, but... somehow not all that surprising. I'd explain it myself, but perhaps it's best if you take a look at some of the year's:
Half-Life 4: Episode 1
I didn't mind the shift in tone in Half-Life 3: Episode 3 as much as most people, but it's good to see Gordon back to doing what he does best - managing a rugby team of loveable underdogs. 8/10
Thundergod Glenn Beck
Thundergod Glenn Beck is the best thundergod this country has known since we shrugged off the electoral system in favor of the "everyone else is lying to you for their own benefit" system, and this non-interactive daily reminder of that fact is the best game of all time. 10/10
Don't Click This Game's Shortcut Icon
Great in concept, but once again Wil Wright's attempts to make more money through simplification backfire when he forgets to include a shortcut icon, executable, or installer. 2/10
Where In The World Is India?
Not enough hints, practically no replay value once you've figured it out. 3/10
Achievement Point Generator 2019
To run this year's edition you'll need to register an account with Activision.com, log in to the Game Fun Super Account panel with an entirely different account, provide your social security number, set up an account with Achievement Point Generator 2019 (you cannot reuse accounts from the 2018 edition), run the Gamespy Game Help Software after merging your copy of Achievement Point Generator 2019 with the Gamespy Interface Social Site, log in once again, then make sure your Tony Hawk Virtual Bookshelf peripheral is hooked up (and that you are signed into your Zorb Peripheral account), along with your Zorb Activity Sensor and Simple Interface Harness as well as the DLC that allows you to exit and save your game. 10/10
Boris' Meat Yelling
I hate the reality show, hated the reality movie even more, and somehow the reality video game manages to be the worst of all. 1/10
EA's unstoppable football series has continually improved since legendary sportscaster Cris Collinsworth replaced John Madden's ghost, and this year marks the first use of a new graphics engine since Madden 2006. 8/10
Friend Or Planet?
Wasn't expecting too much with this one, but came away genuinely impressed by how many planets I had confused with my friends. 6/10
The long awaited collaboration between the makers of Heavy Rain, God of War and Dante's Inferno is stunning, but by the fifth hour my hands were sore and the ever-present "PRESS ANY BUTTON REPEATEDLY DON'T STOP" prompt was burned into my holofield plate. 7/10
If it weren't for the Zombie vs. Zombie Capture The Flag multiplayer mode I'd consider this a waste of everyone's time, but as it is I'd say pick it up if you don't already own the superior Gun Zombie. 5/10
Training Mission Collection
Every training level from every first-person shooter, action game, and RTS released between 1995 and 2010, not the most thrilling purchase but infinitely better than End Credit Collection. 6/10
Turtles Can't Do That
I know that this game was in development long before the Helsinki Uprising, but when I get to level three all I can do is sadly think to myself "yes, turtles can do that". 3/10
Find Cover And Wait This Whole Thing Out
Excellent cover mechanics, and a truly inspired spin on the outdated notion that the player has to be the hero. 9/10
Badd Mannigan's Bazooka Blowuporium
The best - if not most accurately titled - library sim on the market. 8/10
Rock Band: Weezer (Post-Pinkerton Only)
The best installment of the series since Rock Band: Twilight: The Official Soundtrack Of The Major Motion Picture. 10/10
Badd Mannigan's Skeeball Splatterchamber
The worst - and most accurately titled - Japanese dating simulator on the market. 1/10
Zorb Unlock Tool
A must-have if you want to play the last level of any game on the Zorb, this puts the power in the gamer's hands - allowing you to access each game's Ending DLC page and purchase the conclusion to your favorite game, provided you own the current version of Achievement Point Generator and continue to pay the monthly for continued access to DLC you pay for! 10/10
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
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