Achievements are weak. Players have been creating their own challenges like "Beat Skate Or Die without skating or dying" for years, but the official goals set by Xbox 360 achievements rarely stray from such nail-biting feats as "Beat level 1" or "Shoot in the general direction of 100 enemies with the shotgun". Similar achievement systems are in the works for Nintendo and Sony systems, but you can be sure that they will be equally sissy-fied.
For the sake of the many brave souls who perished while trying to complete an entire season of NBA Live '95 without allowing an opposing team to score a single point, we present these True Gaming Challenges to the current generation of gamers.
Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points
Walk into a store (one that deals in import titles if you live in the U.S.) and bring this game to the counter. Hold it before you in plain sight the entire time. Do not wear a disguise of any sort. Do not laugh. Hand the game to the cashier and tell him or her, "This is for me. I play games like this. I love it."
Mass Effect - 10 True Gaming Challenge Points
Create a custom character that absolutely, positively, is not a mulatto.
Company Of Heroes - 35 True Gaming Challenge Points
Join a multiplayer game that bills itself as "noob friendly" without encountering a guy that's using a secondary account because the 100+ wins on his main account won't let him match up with (and destroy) actual beginners like you.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points
Explain the game's plot in its entirety to a third party without going "uh.." or scratching your head. Then take about ten seconds to describe what's enjoyable about the gameplay. If they actually want to play the game after this challenge is completed, give yourself 50 additional True Gaming Challenge points.
Spore - 10 True Gaming Challenge Points
Resist the urge to give the game a "Best Of Expo" award without having played it, regardless of your actual affiliation with any expos.
Wii Fit - 25 True Gaming Challenge Points
Use the Wii Board regularly for its intended purpose, and not as a tray to keep your Cheetos bag and Mountain Dew steady while you watch Lazy Town.
Madden NFL 2009 - 30 True Gaming Challenge Points
After playing through one season and realizing you're pretty much done until Madden 2010, sell the game to your local Gamestop for more than $3.
Portal - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points
Rocketjump your way through the entire game.
Age Of Conan: Hyborian Adventures
At long last, Hello Kitty Online has a worthy opponent in the battle for the PVP player's dollar. 8/10
The adventure game genre isn't dead, it's just barely treading water in a sea of mediocrity by clinging to the new Sam & Max series' raft, which I guess represents the rafting industry... ah hell. 6/10
Galactic Civilizations II: Twilight Of The Arnor
The final expansion pack for one of the greatest strategy games of all time, and a really great name for a child (not just Arnor, the entire thing). 9/10
Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
When a Lego game comes along, you must whip it. 8/10
Don King Presents: Prizefighter
Sure it's inferior to 2006's Fight Night Round 3 in every conceivable way, but Don King is really popular with the kids so I wouldn't worry. 4/10
Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Conspiracy
A surprisingly enjoyable movie tie-in, even if it doesn't live up to my idea of a series of scenes where you talk to people on the phone while you're secretly watching them, then tell them you're watching them in a really cool way then hanging up while they're still like "WHAA?". 8/10
Dragon Ball Z: Burst Limit
More than twelve years after the last episode of the anime aired we get a decent fighting game, paving the way for a totally rad Dragon Ball Z-themed tennis game in 2020. 7/10
At long last, the perfect game for fans of racing and ambiguous titles. 7/10
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots
The gushing "I wish I could give it an 11" reviews are more entertaining than MGS4 itself, and they have just as much to do with your input as 95% of the game. 8/10
The Incredible Hulk
HULK DISAPPOINT! 6/10
Just in time for the tenth anniversary of the last time someone actually cared about Myst. 1/10
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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