I HOPE YOU DUDES ARE READY TO GET ROCKED BY CHRIST! I also hope you're not epileptic, because the screen here never stops moving. It is completely and totally overwhelming, even before you factor in the constant sound barrage (music and voiceovers) and the site's general attitude. Here's the deal - Evangel Cathedral is a church, and from the sounds of it, a fundamentalist church at that. Okay. That's fine. Well, not fine. It's a thing that happens a lot, though, so it's not going to bother me a whole lot.

What is not fine is the CONSTANT SCROLLING. Right now I've got like four layers going, and each of them has a set of photos of churchgoers and people in charge, and they're all scrolling at different rates. It's constantly grabbing my attention, like a five-year-old tugging on my coat sleeve.

Every time you click a new category, there's a new embedded song. I am incredibly thankful that they have provided me with an option to turn the sound off. I have to point that out, it's very kind of them. But I cannot stop the scrolling. Incidentally, it took me a full ten minutes of looking at the page to realize there are scroll arrows. I didn't know this, because they're made of thin white lines on a background of ever-changing pictures, so my eyes were having a hard time staying focused in any one place. So yeah, a little tip to help you navigate this Flash hell.

When you actually visit the site, everything you see here will be moving. Prepare yourself.

With regards to the music, they showcase a pretty wide variety of stuff here, if you ignore the uniformly God-loving lyrics. There's some really weird guitar solo chugga-chugga shit in the very beginning, and after that it tends somewhat toward gospel stuff, but there's (Christian) hip-hop, (Christian) R&B, (Christian) rock, pretty much everything you could ask for, I guess. Does Christian Swing exist? I bet you can find it somewhere on this site!

I dunno what else to say. Once your eyes adjust to the point where you can actually look around, there's nothing particularly bad to find here, aside from what you'd see on any other fundamentalist Christian megachurch site. Give them money, go to the huge church, be saved, look at the JumboTron, all that good stuff. Click around for a bit, check out the ridiculously elaborate-sounding Easter program they're putting on soon, have fun with it! Turn the sound off, though, that's my recommendation.

– Daryl "Fucking" Hall

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