Dear Catholics & Idolatrous Protestants,

As you know we're in the midst of a global pandemic and shit. The bishops are all in a tizzy waddling around in their robes getting their panties in a bunch about the situation. I get it. I think it's terrible. That's why I brought up this entire issue with them. The last time I saw that one asshole Spanish cardinal get this worked up we had approved less supervision for grade school field trips LMAO I hate that guy. Seriously though, we are looking into that.

Anyways, I am writing to all of you good Catholics who probably only go to church on like Easter (not mad or anything just saying you might want to, ya know, not go to fucking hell when you die because you can't be bothered to chill with God for ONE HOUR at HIS HOUSE but ok). I want to let you know that I finally won the battle for jerking off. I've been trying to get these fuckers to admit they crank their own fat hogs for like 2 decades now. They need to knock off this whole "holier than thou" crap and get with the times. It was kind of a long argument in the Vatican discord chat but the long and short of it is the cardinals are finally ok with me telling everyone, given the circumstances, that jerking off is ok to do.

So - how does this affect you? You can now jerk off with our blessing. You can just go to town on that thang and it's A-OK. Lubed up, dry wank, spit shine, fleshlight, fifi, off-brand Japanese toys, anything goes, baby. I tried to get them to agree to adding that it's actually good and healthy for you to crank dat soulja boi but that was a bridge too far for this geriatric jamboree. Our official masturbation policy moving forward can be summarized as:

"You may have a crisis cum"

Please keep in mind though, once times start getting better - you must resume being chaste. You must immediately stop when we say to. And not in a hot orgasm denial way, we really just mean stop. So if/when this plague has run its course and the global economy begins to turn around you'll have to stop masturbating. This is the only way I could get this through. When you finally get employed again and you aren't worrying every day that you'll be kicked to the curb by a deeply diseased society that debases you daily by deriving your soul's worth by how much value you provide to faceless shareholders, you better stop pumping ropes to Japanimation films. For now though, we're giving you the blow-ahead to do the "deed.". Now go ahead and get your fucked up nut off, brothers! Oh and one other thing.

This only applies to men. I know it's kind of bullshit. I really pushed for this one, ladies. Not just because it's hot either. I told the cardinals it's important for feminine well-being to jack off (I call it Jilling-off LMAO) but predictably some of them began to look physically ill at this notion. I'm pretty swell at reading the room so I quickly changed the subject to one of my other pet issues; changing the eucharist to something more palatable like perhaps a Mama Celeste pizza or Bagel Bites (Real talk: them wafer shits are disgusting as fuck.) So to reiterate women please don't do the "you-know-what." Keep that shit hidden away or, better yet, guilt your husband into doing something to that general area like it's your birthday. Actually, Easter is coming up - there's a great excuse to spice things up. Maybe get into knitting or play Animal Crossing instead. Be resourceful. Bake a bunch of stuff. Whatever.

I know being trapped at home sucks for most people - but like Jesus says, "all suffering is not created equal." I realize some of you may take issue with our blanket approval, citing that the current mandate for social isolation isn't affecting everyone equally. Some people simply don't need the temporary relief we're (also temporarily) endorsing. Some people are accustomed to being shut-ins. I ask you to keep in mind means testing for masturbation is costly, time consuming, and difficult to administer. I think we can all agree it's best to give everyone a "blank check" to jerk off and let the chips fall where they may. Sure, many millennials have had much of their adolescence and young adulthood defined by the cyclical crises of late stage capitalism and this has, at least in part, caused them to develop crippling social anxiety, and let's be honest - they're used to this shit by now. This is a walk in the park for them (don't actually walk in the park #stayinside.) Regardless, I'm still cool with them jerking off, just like everyone else. Every man, that is. Consider that perhaps you should stop being so concerned about everyone else's jerk off habits and worry about your own sexual misconduct for once. It isn't a matter of who is jerking off more, it's a matter of making sure there's enough jerking off to go around. If someone wants to abstain or donate their jerk off time to someone else in need, then so be it. We're not keeping tabs. God is.

Your Devoted Servant,

Pope Francis

– Pope Francis (@distastefulman)

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