Hello, this is me, Helen.

Oh my, hello readers! It has been a very exciting two weeks for me and I m very sorry I haven't been able to write my weekly column or answer your questions during this time of new and exciting changes for me. I hope that my last column was ok and that it helped you out but I just feel so bad about not being here for you for the past two weeks. If I weren't so busy I might sit down at the table and eat some pickled pig's feet and cry a little about it, but I am too busy for things like that so you will just have to imagine it for me. Also I do not want to do that because I know that Lou would have been upset that I wasn't cleaning the floors instead. Lou liked the floors clean. But while you are at it if you could also imagine me with a large tub of butter pecan ice cream I would be most appreciative because that is my favorite ice cream. Anyway, I am back! I can't wait to help you with your advice this week, but first, I have to tell you about things!

This is the sort of disaster I am going to prevent! I will be a hero!

The past two weeks have just been so crazy, I can't even begin how to explain it all to you and I don't want you to be upset with me. I think that the best way to go about this would be to just come out and tell you what I've decided. I am going to start an interwebsite dedicated to pet exorcisms because I want to help people with demons in their pets. But I will still also be doing advice for you.

Now I know what you'll say, you'll say, "Helen, this is a strange land, this interweb. You can't just start giving away information on your computer machine because it is dangerous. Also you will lose money because people lose money on the interweb." Well I will say, "No! I will not lose money on the interweb and no one is going to steal my identity because I will be helping people!"

I will tell you how this all began by telling you a poem I wrote to honor the occasion. It was a very important event in my life and I would even put it above the time when it was dark and Lou thought that I was his punching bag and I said, "Lou, I am not your punching bag," but it was too dark and he didn't hear me. I will dedicate this poem to Lou.

Exorcise, Not Exercise Your Pet: A Poem by Helen Gunther

I will tell you now about my tale

This is not a tale about crackers going stale

This is about the thing that happened to me

With spirits from an unseen spirit world that you cannot see


They told me about some things that they said that I should do

Concerning evil things and pets so I listened to them and I also heard them say WoOOOOoo

They said that I should stop eating all of that ham that I eat and start a new interweb site

On the interweb on the computer machine where the people who are full of fright

Can come on to the computer machine in that room it is in and look to see what to do at night

When their dog or cat is bouncing all over the place like some sort of crazy bouncing ball

And they don't know what to say so they just yell at it to stop it but it doesn't stop bouncing at all

So I should help their evil pets become more less evil because evil is bad and evil pets are also bad

And then the spirits will be happy and so with the pets who are no longer evil so their owners aren't sad

Unless I do these things the spirits said that they were going to lock me under the sink like the time when

Lou told me that if I slept there a Leprechaun would bring me treasure in the morning but then

I woke up in the morning and I couldn't get out because he had put a lock on the door because I suppose he forgot that I was in there and didn't want that Leprechaun that came in there every night coming out from under the sink and into the house and taking things like they do.


I hope to have the interwebsite finished by next week so that I can ask you this week for any pet exorcisms you need done. Actually, if you want to write to me you can ask me any question at all at my email address, helengunther@somethingawful.com. I will help you and put your letter in my column if you want me to and if there is anything I can do for you!

And now, time for advice!

Letter 1:

Dear Helen,

My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?

Signed, Worried in Waco


These are the bags like the ones Lou kept in the trunk all of the time only his were black and he never let me touch them.

I know exactly what you mean and also where you are coming from. As you may be thinking, this fact isn't because you told me what city you lived in or that I looked at your email address. No, I know where you are coming from because I have been on so many trips I can't even begin to talk about all of the exciting places that I have traveled to or all of the pretty colors I have seen. I remember once I was on my way to the big sale at Sears that was all the way across town. It was especially interesting because Lou had finally agreed to let me drive the car. Usually when I asked him whether I could take it to go to places like the grocery store or the laundromat he said no because he needed it to haul those big black bags that looked like they had dead people in them but Lou always said, "No, those aren't dead people, Helen. Why would I have dead people in big black bags in the car every day?" So I took the car to the sale at Sears but I hit a dog that a boy had pushed down a sidewalk on his BigWheel and that was bad. So make sure he doesn't hit any dogs on BigWheels and you should be ok.

Letter 2:

Helen, help me!

I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him. Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings?

Love, Dumper in Dallas


This is the picture posted int he newspaper after my date fell into the vat and died. In this picture the man is looking into the vat to see whether he is dead or not dead.

I was on a date once. It was days before I married Lou so don't worry, I didn't cheat on him or anything crazy like that! Actually, I was 13 at the time and my momma told me that I could go out with the cute boy whose job it was to swab out our outhouse every month. What he would do would be to construct some crazy hose system where he would start sucking on one end and eventually all of the stuff at the bottom of out outhouse hole would start coming out of the hose. He'd put this stuff in large bags and haul them away on his bike. I had such a crush on that boy and momma said that I could go out with him so we went on a date to the tour at the brewery down the street. Something bad happened to his brain while we were on the tour and he started shaking and fell over a railing into the vat. I went to his funeral that Tuesday. But he was my first love. Don't worry, you'll find your first love, too. And then he will fall into a vat.

Letter 3:

Dear Helen,

I love your advice, but I need your help! My boyfriend was raised in the inner city around violence and has what I call a “Thug mentality”. He and his friends believe a happy loving relationship with good communication that is satisfying to both partners is a figment of my imagination. I was raised in a "white world" according to my boyfriend. I am biracial and was raised by my white great grandma with a lot of love and affection. I show my boyfriend love in many ways big and small but he doesn't think he needs to tell me he loves me, kiss me, or spend quality time with our two daughters and myself. He would rather be out cruising the streets doing God only knows what. He feels as long as he pays the majority of the bills he doesn't need to be home very much. He says my idea of love comes from white people and that black people don't have loving meaningful relationships. I want to show him love has no color, but he doesn't listen to me. I need advice!!! Please tell me: is there a way I can get through to him or should I move on?

Signed, Precious Patty


The Learning Snake.

I can't tell the colors apart in the socks any more and your letter has made me remember to say something about that. Every time I used to do the laundry I would carry all six baskets down the three flights of stairs to the street. Then I would walk the eight blocks to the laundromat and wash the clothes for Lou because he would only let me take three months off of laundry at a time. When I was done making his clothes clean I had to do things like put the socks that were the same color in the basket together but now when I go to do this all of the socks look grey. I think that this has something to do with the time I hit my head really hard on that sign that was flashing "Don't Walk!" at me. That really hurt. Colors were important because if I didn't match the socks correctly then Lou would get upset and shock me with the "Learning Snake."

Letter 4:

Dear Helen,

After a Windows reinstall, my screen is stuck in 16-color mode at 640x480 pixels resolution, so it doesn't look very good. All the graphics are jagged and hard to view. How do I fix this?

Sincerely, Jeff


All you need is this box and a toothbrush to keep your windows clean and shiny!

Windows are hard to keep clean, but it's easy with just a toothbrush and an ordinary box of baking soda. Simply sprinkle the baking soda on the toothbrush and scrub on the windows and soon they will be sparkly and clean! Or, leave the baking soda on the windows for a convenient shade from hot summer sunlight!

Well, that's about all the time I have this week, readers, because I am anxious to start my interwebsite to help people with their possessed pets! Please email me at helengunther@somethingawful.com with questions you have for me and remember that I can still contact your relatives from beyond the grave if you have any problems there!! I'll do my best to help you but next week I hope to be able to tell you about my new business helping evil pets and their owners! Now I am going to go to sleep because my eyes are doing that thing where I see three of everything.

– Helen Gunther

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