|Hello, this is me, Helen.|
Oh my, hello readers! It has been a very exciting two weeks for me and I m very sorry I haven't been able to write my weekly column or answer your questions during this time of new and exciting changes for me. I hope that my last column was ok and that it helped you out but I just feel so bad about not being here for you for the past two weeks. If I weren't so busy I might sit down at the table and eat some pickled pig's feet and cry a little about it, but I am too busy for things like that so you will just have to imagine it for me. Also I do not want to do that because I know that Lou would have been upset that I wasn't cleaning the floors instead. Lou liked the floors clean. But while you are at it if you could also imagine me with a large tub of butter pecan ice cream I would be most appreciative because that is my favorite ice cream. Anyway, I am back! I can't wait to help you with your advice this week, but first, I have to tell you about things!
|This is the sort of disaster I am going to prevent! I will be a hero!|
The past two weeks have just been so crazy, I can't even begin how to explain it all to you and I don't want you to be upset with me. I think that the best way to go about this would be to just come out and tell you what I've decided. I am going to start an interwebsite dedicated to pet exorcisms because I want to help people with demons in their pets. But I will still also be doing advice for you.
Now I know what you'll say, you'll say, "Helen, this is a strange land, this interweb. You can't just start giving away information on your computer machine because it is dangerous. Also you will lose money because people lose money on the interweb." Well I will say, "No! I will not lose money on the interweb and no one is going to steal my identity because I will be helping people!"
I will tell you how this all began by telling you a poem I wrote to honor the occasion. It was a very important event in my life and I would even put it above the time when it was dark and Lou thought that I was his punching bag and I said, "Lou, I am not your punching bag," but it was too dark and he didn't hear me. I will dedicate this poem to Lou.
Exorcise, Not Exercise Your Pet: A Poem by Helen Gunther
I hope to have the interwebsite finished by next week so that I can ask you this week for any pet exorcisms you need done. Actually, if you want to write to me you can ask me any question at all at my email address, firstname.lastname@example.org. I will help you and put your letter in my column if you want me to and if there is anything I can do for you!
And now, time for advice!
Advice:These are the bags like the ones Lou kept in the trunk all of the time only his were black and he never let me touch them.
I know exactly what you mean and also where you are coming from. As you may be thinking, this fact isn't because you told me what city you lived in or that I looked at your email address. No, I know where you are coming from because I have been on so many trips I can't even begin to talk about all of the exciting places that I have traveled to or all of the pretty colors I have seen. I remember once I was on my way to the big sale at Sears that was all the way across town. It was especially interesting because Lou had finally agreed to let me drive the car. Usually when I asked him whether I could take it to go to places like the grocery store or the laundromat he said no because he needed it to haul those big black bags that looked like they had dead people in them but Lou always said, "No, those aren't dead people, Helen. Why would I have dead people in big black bags in the car every day?" So I took the car to the sale at Sears but I hit a dog that a boy had pushed down a sidewalk on his BigWheel and that was bad. So make sure he doesn't hit any dogs on BigWheels and you should be ok.
Advice:This is the picture posted int he newspaper after my date fell into the vat and died. In this picture the man is looking into the vat to see whether he is dead or not dead.
I was on a date once. It was days before I married Lou so don't worry, I didn't cheat on him or anything crazy like that! Actually, I was 13 at the time and my momma told me that I could go out with the cute boy whose job it was to swab out our outhouse every month. What he would do would be to construct some crazy hose system where he would start sucking on one end and eventually all of the stuff at the bottom of out outhouse hole would start coming out of the hose. He'd put this stuff in large bags and haul them away on his bike. I had such a crush on that boy and momma said that I could go out with him so we went on a date to the tour at the brewery down the street. Something bad happened to his brain while we were on the tour and he started shaking and fell over a railing into the vat. I went to his funeral that Tuesday. But he was my first love. Don't worry, you'll find your first love, too. And then he will fall into a vat.
Advice:The Learning Snake.
I can't tell the colors apart in the socks any more and your letter has made me remember to say something about that. Every time I used to do the laundry I would carry all six baskets down the three flights of stairs to the street. Then I would walk the eight blocks to the laundromat and wash the clothes for Lou because he would only let me take three months off of laundry at a time. When I was done making his clothes clean I had to do things like put the socks that were the same color in the basket together but now when I go to do this all of the socks look grey. I think that this has something to do with the time I hit my head really hard on that sign that was flashing "Don't Walk!" at me. That really hurt. Colors were important because if I didn't match the socks correctly then Lou would get upset and shock me with the "Learning Snake."
Advice:All you need is this box and a toothbrush to keep your windows clean and shiny!
Windows are hard to keep clean, but it's easy with just a toothbrush and an ordinary box of baking soda. Simply sprinkle the baking soda on the toothbrush and scrub on the windows and soon they will be sparkly and clean! Or, leave the baking soda on the windows for a convenient shade from hot summer sunlight!
Well, that's about all the time I have this week, readers, because I am anxious to start my interwebsite to help people with their possessed pets! Please email me at email@example.com with questions you have for me and remember that I can still contact your relatives from beyond the grave if you have any problems there!! I'll do my best to help you but next week I hope to be able to tell you about my new business helping evil pets and their owners! Now I am going to go to sleep because my eyes are doing that thing where I see three of everything.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
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