Hello, this is me, Helen.

Well how are you this week, readers? It is me, Helen Gunther, back to give you another column full of helpful advice! I hope that last week's column was informative and useful for some of you and I'll be answering your questions in just a sec here but I have to tell you about how absolutely wonderful the last few days have been for me. I'll tell you honestly, when I first bought that Ouija board and tried to use it, I was doubtful that it could actually help me talk to Lou. But after the amazing things that have happened in the last week I now have no doubt that I am swiftly becoming an expert at talking to spirits beyond the grave. Or in Lou's case, beyond the swamp. He was cremated and he requested that his ashes be scattered over the sea but we don't live close to the ocean, so I dumped them in the local swamp instead to make it up to him. I thought that he probably wouldn't mind, and I figured that it's full of water, just like the ocean. Plus I have no idea how he expected me to get to the ocean in the first place seeing as after he died I had a nasty run-in with the poodle that lives next door which made me bedridden for weeks and unable to move my left leg or turn my head. I had to hire that deaf girl from downstairs to spoon-feed me pudding in bed. That was not fun, let me tell you, even though I really like pudding.

This is a pretty incense burner like the one that Lou had. I think he bought it from a nice man with long hair who works at a gas station.

Let me start at the beginning. Where I last left off I had been attempting to talk to Lou but the best thing that had happened was the Ouija board moving to the letter "L," which I assumed to stand for "Lou." I thought that it was a sign he was communicating with me. The night after I wrote my last column I tried again to talk with Lou, and I sat down with the Ouija board and a couple of frozen pizzas to give it another go. I decided to leave out the magnifying glass this time because I realized that I didn't need to see the ghosts as long as they were talking to me and plus I had dropped the magnifying glass off of the back porch accidentally when I was throwing the garbage over the side. I assume that it broke when it hit the cement but I am not about to go look. I don't go outside unless I absolutely have to.

I did put the soothing lounge music back on because even if the ghosts didn't like it, it helped me concentrate more. I also decided that perhaps if I burnt some of Lou's special incense that smells like cooked cabbage and that always makes me feel dizzy that maybe he would be more inclined to talk to me. He burnt that incense every night, especially when he had friends over to play cards and watch those art films that had naked people and horses in them. I put some of it in the special glass incense burner that Lou had, the one with all of the pretty colors. I had trouble getting it to stay lit but eventually I figured out that if I puffed or blew into one end of the burner, it stayed lit and made the room fill up with the funny smoke that Lou liked so much. Soon I was all set to try talking to Lou again.


I turned the lights down low and put my fingers on the little triangle thing like it shows how to do in the pictures on the box. At first nothing happened, but after about an hour or so I started to get really light-headed and dizzy. My heart was beating really fast. I remembered that this is what had happened last time I tried the Ouija board and actually got through to someone, so I was very excited. Suddenly, I looked down at the board and noticed that the letters were beginning to move. The longer I looked at them the more it appeared that they were beginning to spell something out. Slowly, they moved into the corner of the board and began to form words. They said, "Heln u r idyot." I realized that they probably couldn't spell the words correctly because they only had one of each letter. I shouted, "What are you trying to tell me?! Ghosts, why is the bed wet?!" I looked at the letters again and they had returned to their original places on the board. The message had vanished.

I tried to decipher what the message meant. The first part could have been my name at first glance, but the more I thought about it the more I thought that it was actually saying, "Hel nu rid yot." Because I knew that the spirits could only use each letter once I had to assume a couple of words, and therefore I came to the conclusion that the message was saying, "Hello, we are ghosts and we are here to say hi! Yot." I was thrilled that I finally made definitive contact with the beyond. "I read you loud and clear, oh spirits!" I yelled. There was no answer, but now that I was sure my efforts were not in vain I felt more comfortable about pursuing contact. I yelled, "Lou, if you are there, why is the bed wet?" No answer. I didn't hear anything or see anything for the rest of the night. But I am not about to give up!

I will share more of my paranormal victories with you, reader, as I become more confident at speaking to those in the spirit realm. But I can't forget to answer your questions, too! If any of you have anything to ask me, whatever the subject, feel free to email me athelengunther@somethingawful.com and I will be more than happy to print your letter in my column! I hope that I can help you!

Which brings us to this week'sADVICE!

This is a dish like the dish that I broke and then the bad man came and put me in the closet.

Letter 1:

I've read your column at Somethingawful.com and I appreciate it very much. You have given excellent advice to people who needed help. And I am writing you because I have a problem. It's about my little 12 year old brother. He's an early teenager and he's out of control. He talks back to my mom and dad, yells loud obscenities to me whenever I ask him something and goes around the house breaking things. Hell, whenever he's in his room all he does is smash things to pieces, I guess it's his hobby. Do you have any idea what to do about it? Please help me and my family.

Signed, Brother of Troubled 12 Year Old Boy


As someone who has had a problem with breaking and smashing things in the past, I can say that the logical solution to this problem is to be broken and smashed yourself until you realize that breaking and smashing is bad. This was something I was unaware of until Lou explained to me that if I broke one more thing I would be locked in the closet for a couple of days with no food or water and only my pet frog, Horace, as company. That crazy Lou. Well I accidentally dropped a teacup on the floor that same morning and it broke. The next thing I remember is waking up with a really bad headache and my wrists and ankles tied together. I was there for a long time. Lou said that a strange man had broken into the house and put me there. He said that he had tried really hard to stop the man but the man had said that I needed to be taught a lesson in love so that I wouldn't break things any more. What I learned was that I don't like the closet and I'm always really careful with dishes now. I also have a fear of all sorts of cloth, but I won't go into that right now.

Letter 2:

I have a problem. My wife's brother moved in with us to "get back on his feet." He swore that he would only need a month before he was out. That was a year ago. He always sleeps and when he doesn't sleep he uses the shower and leaves pubic hairs on my bar of soap. What should I do? I don't want to murder him because I don't like the stories I've heard about prison and the common resident named "Bubba." Please help me, Helen!

Sincerely, Not a Murderer in Ohio


This goat is angry.

When Lou's nice lady friend from the used car dealership needed a place to stay I was only too happy to have her at our house. I even gave her my spot in bed so that she would really feel at home. Lou told me that I should sleep on the couch anyway as long as she was staying there and I did because I wanted to make everyone happy. One night I forgot my hairbrush in my room and I went back to get it after Lou and the car lady were sleeping. I heard the funniest noises coming from behind the door; they sounded like angry goats! Well I knew right then that the car lady was sick and that Lou was kind enough to help her out. Lou was so sweet to everyone. I'm sure he didn't want to tell me because he knew I'd be upset. Anyway, reader, your brother in law might be sick. Listen for noises that sound like angry goats late at night. If you hear them, you know that you've got a problem on your hands! A sick problem.

Letter 3:

I have lived in my neighborhood for around 20 years and just recently, a group of teenagers moved in the trailer next door. Before I go to bed at the usual time of 8 pm after Matlock, they turn on their loud rap music and boomboxes and smoke strange smelling cigars. I have called the police but they won't do anything about it and spit in my face. What can I do?

Best Wishes, Awaken in Alabama

Me as a teenager. I was so cute back then. No wonder Lou fell in love with me.


We all know that teenagers thelse days can be just crazy as all get out. For years I struggled to understand today's youth culture but they just keep changing and I couldn't keep up with all of those crazy fads like Popples and watching some TV show called "Alf" about a talking cat or something. What I ended up doing was putting a sign on my door that said "GO AWAY TEENAGERS OR I WILL KILL YOU TEENAGERS." Of course I wouldn't actually kill them, but they sure stayed away from my house. Actually, the sign was Lou's idea after one day he was on his way up the stairs after going to the grocery store and some crazy teenager bumped into him. His 23 cans of beans went rolling down the stairs and Lou was pretty mad. He came storming in the door and demanded that I take the dog and get out of his sight. That Lou never did want me to be upset and I guess he just didn't want to show that he was angry in front of the dog.

Letter 4:

Mix with frosting and apply to your face overnight for a healthy skin treat!

Helen, I just love your advice, and I have a real question for you. Lately I've been havinga terrible problem with keeping my skin looking young. I have 3 kids to take care of and I'm pushing 60 but I still want to be sexy for my husband. How can I do this without using all of those yucky chemicals they sell ont he market these days?

Thanks, Wrinkle-Free in K.C.


The simple solution for you is to apply a thick layer of baking soda and frosting to your face each night before you go to sleep. It seals in moisture and adds a protective layer of preservatives and fat that, when absorbed into your skin, will promote no wrinkles and keep it moist and fresh-looking like a steak or perhaps some ham. Additionally, in the morning, you can eat it as a tasty morning snack! Your skin should shape up in no time and maybe even look just like mine!

Well readers, that's about all of the time I have this week. I hope that I have been of help and that my advice has put at least some of you ont he road to success. I'm going to go try to talk to Lou and the other ghosts now, but please email your questions to helengunther@somethingawful.com and I'll put them in my column next week! Thanks guys and be careful of the teenagers because teenagers are mean and knock over your cans of beans. Wish me luck with the supernatural realm!!

– Helen Gunther

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