This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Double Corn?

I heard a rumor that those bastards over at Royal Mariner are developing some kind of DOUBLE CORN formula for their soups. You sons of bitches better have answers on why we didn't think of this first. I don't need to tell you how important it is that we find a way to produce double corn ourselves. Get your pinhead researchers on the case and get me some results, or clear out your goddamn desks so I have the space to hire a more respectable group of soup engineers.


TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 5, 1979
SUBJECT: You better have results!

Brick, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you right now.

It's been a whole two days and you still haven't delivered me a working Double Corn Soup formula. I guess you're content with the idea that Royal Mariner will put us out of business, and your stupid children will starve like rats in the street, assuming your wife doesn't turn to prostitution to make ends meet. Double Corn is the future of souping, and we better be able to deliver. You have 72 hours to save your job, your children and the dignity of your wife. The same goes for all your underlings.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: January 5, 1979
SUBJECT: Stay away from R&D

Brick Linehouse and his R&D team are working on the future of our company. If even one of you rat-faced imbeciles so much as pesters Brick or his team, there will be mass firings. HOWEVER, if you see Brick or his team not working on saving this company, you have my permission to spit and hiss at him. If I find out none of you are spitting or hissing at Brick and his team, you're all as good as gone.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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