The entire world shook to its very core after a so-called "comedian" blurted out several ill-mannered jokes at the expense of the most powerful administration in the history of the United States. These mean, classless, and disrespectful barbs have no place in the White House, an establishment founded on respect and honesty. Perhaps the White House Correspondents' Dinner would be held in greater esteem if these so-called "comedians" stuck to the sort of wholesome banter that has proven to be completely acceptable in modern-day America. I would like to share several suggestions that would help make this event an infinitely classier institution.
Start with a ten minute set explicitly insulting the physical appearance of Alicia Machado. Just really lay into her weight and compare her to a pig, along with some slightly extremely racist insults regarding her Mexican background tossed in. When given the opportunity to back off, dig in even harder and imply she has starred in several porn shoots. Classic! If the audience gets into this routine, string them along with more jokes about the appearances of Mika Brzezinski, Carly Fiorina, Rosie O'Donnell, etc.
Transition to some grade-A riffs on the Parkland survivors. Start by making fun of their looks, then make a number of bizarre comments about their genitals and masturbation habits, and finally get in a good zinger about these teenage gun violence victims' college prospects.
Keep things moving with a few rapid-fire one-liners insulting prisoners of war and the parents of dead soldiers. Hey, if those guys were any good at war, they wouldn't have ended up like they did, right?
"Milo Yiannopoulos walks into a bar with Richard Spencer. No one boos. Why? Because this joke takes place in the respectful USA our founding fathers intended, where you can sing America The Beautiful while your white supremacist pals do Nazi salutes and no left-wing sickos will yell mean things at you. These socialist lunatics are so angry and thoughtless, they should be called Antif-blah!" (This might need some workshopping, but you get the idea)
Call for the crowd to commit acts of targeted violence. Then do it again. And again. Wholesome fun with absolutely no consequences! For you, at least.
"Senator Warren, more like Pocahontas, right?" (Step back from the mic and do a hideous pantomime of a Native American)
Did the physical comedy go well? Scan the room for a reporter with an obvious physical handicap. Gleefully contort your body to mock them like you're the absolute worst five year-old on the planet. Hey, you're just telling it like it is! Finally, someone with balls! If God didn't believe in the freedom of speech, then why would've he written the First Amendment?
"The free press."
The free press who?
"The free press, the enemy of the American people." (Glowering stare while everyone laughs nervously, aware you support concealed carry)
Do a hilarious bit about snowflake liberals and their whiny cries for safe spaces because they're wimps who can't handle a few lighthearted jokes at their expense. Oh, but be sure to run this one past the administration first, because you don't want to accidentally say something to offend them. Be ready for a wait since they might be busy stripping the country for rare Earth elements, fossil fuels, and any other parts they might need. Hope the President, who will be hiding during this event, will eventually find out about this uproarious bit and give you a "very cool!" on Twitter.
Close with a serious moment, one that should cause the audience to genuinely reflect. "By joking about bad things, comedians are worse than the things they joke about. By reporting about bad things, reporters are worse than the things they report. Your primary concern should be to support the Presidential institution until our term is up. Thank you."
Now stay at the podium. Hold on tight. When security eventually tries to pry you free and escort you from the stage, scream "DEEP STATE," "WITCH HUNT," and "WHERE ARE THE EMAILS?" The journalists in the audience will murmur, giving your side of the argument serious consideration, and hailing you as the hero who single handedly defended the upstanding ideals of our most cherished governmental institution. You will win several Nobel Peace Prizes along with some comically large novelty checks and - most importantly - the admiration this country's greatest statesman ever.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
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