America and the Internet are being won over by Insane Clown Posse's latest video Miracles, in which clown-themed rappers Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J marvel at the world around them.

### And I see miracles everyday.

But are the rappers from Insane Clown Posse really witnessing miracles? I decided to examine the veracity of their claims. After all, if we can't trust clown-themed Christian rappers with our metaphysics, then who can we trust?

Internet comedy writers, of course.

Levi Johnston posted the ICP video a couple weeks ago, but I think we should all take a moment to refresh our memories. It's always a great idea to start your day with a little clown affirmation. Think of Miracles as a greasy, weed-stinking Desiderata.

Had enough? Okay, let's break it down.

### Oceans spanning beyond my sight

The horizon, or line separating earth from sky, is normally obstructed by terrain, man-made objects, or weather conditions. In large bodies of water the true horizon, limited by the curvature of the earth, is often visible. The apparent distance of the horizon is a function of the viewer's height and can be calculated as a number of miles equal to the square root of 1.5 times your height in feet or the following mathematical formula:

Violent J is 6 ft 2 inches tall, or 6.17 ft. 1.5 times 6.17 is 9.26. The square root of 9.26 is 3.04. If Violent J is standing at sea-level in the ocean on a clear day then the true horizon is visible out to a range of 3.04 miles, or the exact distance at which a mind can be blown the fuck up by the size of the ocean. If Shaggy 2 Dope is standing next to Violent J he sees things even farther away and, we can infer, his mind is even more blasted to fucking pieces by the incredible vastness of the oceans.

### And a million stars way above em at night

At any given moment there are 13.6 million known stars "above" us. However, only a tiny fraction of these stars are visible. The unaided human eye can detect stars of a brightness magnitude of 6 or brighter on a clear night. The European Space Agency's Tycho Catalog lists 8,768 stars in this category or brighter. On a clear, dark night approximately half (4,384) of these stars will be visible. Still plenty to make your brain melt right the fuck down and ooze out of your fuckin' ears.

### We don't have to be high to look in the sky / and know that's a miracle opened wide

The earth's sky is the atmosphere above us and is visible whenever we are not inside a natural or man made structure such as a dark forest, madhouse, horrorcore rap concert, or fuckin' wicked teepee. During the day, refraction of sunlight gives the sky a blue color. Depending on atmospheric conditions and the relative twiztidness of a clown the sky might appear puke purple, guts green, or psycho scarlet.

### Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas / And everything chilling underwater, please

Marine copepods - tiny crustaceans chilling underwater - form the largest animal biomass on the planet. They have never seen a mountain or tree and lack the moderately-developed central nervous system required to gain entrance to the Dark Carnival. A copepod's simple eye can detect variations in light and dark to determine when (but not which) one of the six Joker Cards is being held up.

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Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind