Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

I spent all of my money on hiring a coyote to smuggle me across the border so that I could have my baby in America. The coyote made me hide inside a dead horse at the bottom of a stack of dead horses on his truck. It was so hot in there that I had my baby two months early while I was still inside the horse. What's worse is I had the baby in Mexico. Now how am I going to get on welfare? These baby birth welfare rules are arbitrary and unfair and if you really think about it that horse didn't have its baby until after we were in the United States.

Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

Look, I came to America illegally and I am sick and tired of being grouped in with a bunch of lowlife Mexican gang members crossing the border to sell drugs and kill each other. I'm with the Russian mob and we believe in things like honor and sex slavery.

Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

how many illegal immigrants can you fit into a '78 Chevy K-10 pickup truck? No, this is not a joke, I am just wondering for future reference.

Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

Where the crapping crap is my right to vote already?! Sheesh! Letting illegal immigrants vote is a fundamental part of the fabric of America. It's like when you're getting ready to order a pizza you ask everyone in your house what they want and you make sure to include the homeless guy who just shuffled onto your property and smells like glue. He wants barbecue chicken. We all do. It's why we came to America.

What's your favorite pizza topping?

Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

I heard that in Canada all of the packages for products have to be in French and English and I think it's high time that same rule appear in America. It's okay down south around the Mexican border, but once I get up above Kentucky everything stops making sense. Like I went to a restaurant and they had something called a "Pepsi", what the heck is that? Uh, Coke, please. Then I was cold and the Wal*Mart had these things that looked like coats but they were called "parkas" or something. What the heck? How do I know it's not just some sort of coat-shaped novelty puppet. Mexicans are Americans too, you know.

Hey Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

This is really more of a suggestion than a complaint. I recently joined MEChA and I am really pumped about reclaiming Aztlan for the Chicano people. I was just wondering, here in Texas there are these stores called Circuit City that have huge HD TVs called plasma TVs and I really think that would be a good place to start with reclaiming our heritage. Let me know and I would be glad to begin the revolution there.

PS: does La Raza have any need for Blu-Ray? I think HD-DVD will be better but I saw they had some Blu-Ray discs and I really think the Chicano people would do well to have 1080p versions of the Matrix: Revolutions.

Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

I just moved to Minnesota and I found out that I can't get a driver's license here. How am I supposed to get this bus full of school kids home now?

Hello Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

My children are all US citizens (I have 87 of them) and I am able to send them to public schools. The thing is, the school district here is one of those white supremacist English-only school districts. They have Spanish translation assistants in the class rooms, but the kids are still supposed to learn to speak devil English and they have to read English books! I don't know what power you can have to change this terrible situation, but in the meantime I will try to have about 35 more children so my family can decide the next school board election and get this changed.


I want to drink beer all night and sleep under a tree all day. Excuuuuuuuse me if I want to throw my empty bottles at this brick wall. That's just who I am. Deal with it.

Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

Most of the time I think white people are okay but the teenagers I work with at Arby's are not okay. They say things like "man this is gayness" and I think, hey, Chet, I spent the last nine years sucking raw sewage out of a rusted pipe in Guadalajara for the free undigested corn I could siphon out of the city's septic slurry. I wore a shirt made out of dirty diapers and my own skin. I lived inside a barrel full of broken glass. Please, tell me about how hard it is to open and close on the same day.

Otherwise they are okay.

Dear Undocumented Worker Complaint Box,

I heard some people on TV talking about amnesty for illegal immigrants. Does that mean we are US citizens or does it also mean that we are forgiven for all of our crimes? I'm just wondering because I've got a couple rapes on my record back when I was living in Mexico and I would hate to have California's three strikes rule kick in if I get caught. Thanks in advance for any info you can offer.

Dear Illegal Immigrant Complaint Box,

Hey I heard something about the government building some sort of giant fence. You think they will need short-hire workers for that job? Me and my brother Victor could probably handle that.

Let me know if you find anything out!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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