Hey everybody, great gangbang last week. Really enjoyed it. I would like to start by thanking Marsha and Bill for letting us use the mattresses in their garage for the gangbang. I know Bill was keeping those underneath his old rowboat, so I hope the rowboat will be okay on the floor. We didn't know that Bill's mom would be in town and staying in the usual gangbang room, so thanks for going ahead with the gangbang anyway.

The chip and dip was really good, Marsha. Nice selection of pops, although I would prefer some Coke and Pepsi over the store brand next time. I talked to a few different guys and we would all be willing to chip in another couple extra bucks.

I think I can speak for everyone involved in the gangbang by saying it was a really fun and interesting night. Got to meet a lot of really great people in the neighborhood, had some really good conversations, and I think I made some friends for the long haul.

Having said that, I think the best way to improve these gangbangs is to discuss some of the problems we might have had with it. Other folks in the gangbang mailing list might have some other thoughts. These are just my views on what I think might have been better. Don't take any of this the wrong way because you know how much these gangbangs mean to me and my wife since our daughter died.

Ways to improve the gangbang:

Less touch-intrusion. I don't know how exactly to put this, but I think it's okay to reach in and feel around, just don't do it right where somebody's junk is going. Hands touched my balls a few times, including somebody who stroked my taint for several seconds. I couldn't see who was doing it because of my position in the gangbang, but please, hands off unless somebody is inviting you to pinch and twist their balls.

Please keep your dogs locked up.
I can't stress this one enough. Please, please, please keep your dogs in the backyard or locked in a spare bedroom or just otherwise away from the gangbang. A barking dog can be a real distraction, but that's nothing compared to a loose dog. Gangbangs really make dogs rowdy. I don't know if it's all the pheromones up in the air or what, but they will just yap and run all around until they're panting and going crazy.

Babies. Find a sitter, please. Gangbangs are only three hours long or so and if you can't find a sitter or a family member to watch your baby then just skip the gangbang. Absolutely nothing against Marsha or Bill on this one, but I noticed babies just coming and going, crying, and peeking in during the gangbang. A gangbang is not a daycare center, folks.

Different people take different amounts of time to orgasm.
I know orgasms can be a touchy subject for gangbangs, but sometimes I can feel a lot of pressure to hurry it up. This is biology here, folks. We've got things going on, phantom hands grabbing balls, dogs running all over, babies crawling through the room...gosh, you've just got to be a little more generous with the time. If we were all Roger Jeremy this would be easy.

Please don't come to the gangbang drunk. I'm not going to name any names, but someone had a little bit too much liquid courage before showing up at last week's gangbang and things did not end well with this person. They were picking fights with people on the sidelines, someone was punched, and I know Marsha didn't enjoy spending all that time cleaning up after you. Be considerate of your hosts and be considerate of your fellow gangbangers.

Don't invite people you barely know to the gangbang. We gangbangers are a pretty tight-knit bunch, but I'm not against letting someone new into the group. But please, you need to vouch for your guest. In the past we've had that guy who stripped down to just the toque and stared from the corner. The guy never said anything. Let me think, we had Randy's cousin, the klepto. God bless you, Randy, I know he's family but the guy stole all the finger sandwiches Roxanne made for that week's gangbang. I guess what I'm saying is that plus one on the invite is a precious thing, don't squander it.

And how about leaving your problems behind when you enter the gangbang? The gangbang should be sacrosanct. I really don't want to hear about the squirrels messing up your birdfeeder or how you're worried about layoffs. I don't need to know about your bunions. If we start blabbing about all our troubles then people are coming in with agendas, they're trying to make points by what position they pick or whatever. I get head trips from Connie all day, the last thing I need is one during my gangbang.

No more criers! Good choice this last week Bill and Marsha, but you've gotta use an agency folks. It's a total crapshoot with the Craigslist and whatnot. They may say they're into a gangbang, but then when they get on that mattress in the garage and the dogs are barking and Pete's got that wind up flashlight and the baby falls on the concrete and starts screaming and we're all standing there with our peckers primed and she just starts bawling. I mean, honestly, who doesn't feel a little irritated by that? I can't be alone on that one. You need a professional for a gangbang.

Keep track of your gum. I know in my house at our gangbangs we've got a strict no-gum rule. If your hosts let you chew gum then be gracious enough not to just spit it out on the carpet or floor in the middle of the gangbang. I've been at some of these gangbangs where it felt like we were doing it on the floor of a movie theater. I'm too old for that sort of thing. I gotta watch out for germs.

A little less judgmental about body types, please. There's bigger guys than me at these things, but come on, some of us are getting on in years and we can't all be Charlie Atlas. Enough with the flexing and taking your shirts off. There is no reason a man needs to take his shirt off in a gangbang. Leave it on! You think we want to see that? Forget it.

Music. Some of these music choices are for the birds. I don't even know what sort of rap mans or metal bangers or whatever you are playing, but it's out of control. A little jazz or classical is all you really need. I'll accept some of that technology music you kids like with the electronic keyboard. That's fine as long as it has a good rhythm for gangbanging.

Please don't make eye contact with other people during gangbanging, especially if you're involved in the gangbanging at that moment. Maybe it's just my pet peeve, but when I am gangbanging on one part of the lady, and I look up and a man stares at me while he's gangbanging the lady's other part, it feels sort of like we're gangbanging each other. Which is not at all what this is about. This is about community. About sharing and making bonds, but not that kind of bonds.

I could go on. Enough with the body spray already. Jesus H, We get it. It's like chlorine gas in there sometimes.

Woof, that's a lot of barking from this old dog. Didn't mean for it to come across like I'm down on the gangbangs. I love them, I really love them, which is why I want them to be better.

Take care!

– Your Neighbor Doug (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful