As many of you may know, here at Something Awful we pride ourselves in our serious philosophical content. From time to time since the inception of the site, we have run a special educational Sunday feature set aside for round table discussion on a current philosophical issue or question. I am proud to present this week's Something Awful Meeting of the Minds, and I am extremely excited at the group of thinkers we have gathered to share with us their point of view.

The topic this week is an old question that has plagued and inspired scholars for centuries:


Before I turn things over to the group, I'd like to remind everyone to hold their questions until all our guests have had their say. And now, point: Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?

Thomas Hobbes

"In regards to this question, one must first consider the basic nature of man. If there is anything the discovery of these so-called "civilizations" in Africa and the Americas has taught us, it is that man is at heart savage. This is to be expected. As life is nasty, brutish and short, it must be responded to in a similar fashion. All this leads to the expectation that all dudes are indeed "bad dudes" unless controlled by the outside force of strict morality.

What I am saying, in summary, is that I am a total fucking bad dude and I am so ready to rescue the president. Just give me the chance. Come on, man, don't be a douche. Just let me try. "

"It is a mistake to ask an individual as to the quality of badness in their inner-Dude. A Bad Dude is not some physical man you can seek out to rescue someone. Instead, he is only approachable as the archetypical Bad Dude in our collective sub-conscious, that primal force of Dudeness that drives us to rescue our own personal presidents from ninjas."

Carl Jung

Jesus Christ

"Come my child. What is it you wish to ask your lord? Am I... I don't understand. Why are you asking me if I'm bad? I'm the son of god, remember? Perfect and good in every way? Is this some kind of joke you're pulling? Hey Judas you can come out now! This isn't what I meant by 'betray me'!

What the hell is a 'president'?"


Bad Dudes

Karl Marx

"The question of personal badness is one we must understand by its universal meaning rather than my specific level of badness at the time in which the question is asked. Rather than 'Are you a bad enough dude?' the question should instead be phrased, 'What if you are not a bad enough dude?' The answer would then lead not to me but instead to another dude who is badder and thus more able to perform the function of saving the president and indeed any who find themselves in need of saving. It cannot be asked of me any task which exceeds the badness imparted to me at birth.

Each dude to give according to his badness, and receive according to his hunger for burgers."

"If I were asked this question, my first response would be that of quiet reflection. You in the west, the land of Bad Dudes, would be tempted to rush off and rescue the president the very second he went missing. It is this rash element found within your culture of the Bad Dude that leads to wars, crime, and Vin Diesel's unfortunate casting in more movies. If I were asked this question, I would say that what is missing is the element of wu-wei, that idea that if we only were to let the ninjas take the president, nature would right itself without the help of Bad Dudes.

Unfortunately, I find myself unable to answer the question this way as I did not actually exist at any point, so

Lao Tzu

Sigmund Freud

"Before I begin, I just want to mention that I don't appreciate you bringing that hack Jung in here. The man knows nothing about psychological problems. For christsake, his first name is Carl, mine is Sigmund! You think that was easy in school? Why do you think I started snorting all this cocaine? The point is if you want some real psychological analysis, you come to the Freudmaster or nothing at all.

Just look at him up there, that little curl on his mouth like he thinks he knows what he's talking about. Man, it just makes me furious when people bring him into things. Look at that little curl in his mouth, and those delicate lips. I bet he has to moisten those lips a lot, the bastard.

Anyway, what was the question? Bad dudes? Well, they're probably not actually bad, just saddled with issues of sexual repression. And why did he get to go first, huh? That moist-lipped son of a bitch."

"In answer to your question, let me tell you a story:

One day, as was my custom, I gathered all my disciples together for a sermon. But this particular day, instead of speaking to them on the nature of life as I usually did, I simply wheeled out an arcade machine of "Bad Dudes Vs. Dragon Ninja." I showed it to them one at a time, silently. Each of them only stared at me, confused as to what I was trying to tell them. Then I came to the last of my followers. I showed him the game. He contemplated it carefully, then took out a knife and stabbed himself in the eyes repeatedly. As blood gushed out of the sockets and poured down his face, he laughed because he would never have to watch such a terrible game again.

I turned to the others and told them: 'Only this man understands what I was trying to tell you.' Then we went back inside and that poor asshole spent the rest of his life blind. Shit, those were good times."


Temple Guard

"Hey! Hey kid! I got you now, kid! No, don't try to run away, you'd never make it. Look at these arms, kid. These arms could rip off a grown man's head easy. And you're like what? Ten? You wouldn't stand a chance.

I could cripple you, kid. Want to spend your life as a cripple? I didn't think so. Why don't you just give me the pendant and nobody gets hurt. Especially not your mother and father who live at 3366 Elk View Lane. Yeah, just hand it over…thank you. Ok, keep going, and good luck finding Marco Polo's Femur!"

"You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Yeah, yeah, I'll get to your question in a second. But look, I've been thinking, and I've decided that maybe this whole free market thing was a bad idea after all. What? No, I heard you the first time. President captured by ninjas, blah, blah, blah. This is important, what I'm trying to tell you. I've been thinking that maybe some limited form of government control in the private industry might- Yes, goddamit, I heard! Fine, ok? No, I'm not a bad enough dude to rescue the president! There! I said it! Is that what you wanted?!

Oh great, now I'm crying. No, don't touch me. I don't need your comfort. Just leave me alone. Marx up there said he wants to talk to me about something."

Adam Smith

The President

"Hey Dudes! Thanks for rescuing me! When it comes to defining religion, one must remember the distinction between a substantive and functional definition! What I mean is, do we look at religion as a sacred complex within itself, or does anything that functions in social world construction count as a religion… Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Ayn Rand

There you have it folks. If you have any questions for our guests, email them to and I'll make sure they get to the right people.

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