For my 30th birthday this year, my girlfriend got me a remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloon. Useless? Hardly. Here's a list of fun things ANYONE can do with a remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloon!

  • It's a great way to tell people you resent becoming an adult.

  • It's a great conversation starter, if the conversation you're looking to start is, "Why do you have this? Aren't you an adult?"

  • You can attach a sign to it marked "My Hopes & Ambitions," then use the remote control to fly it out to sea.

  • You can take funny Instagram photos with it, hope they get a lot of likes, get sad when they don't, then cry yourself to sleep.

  • It pairs well with your remote controlled helium-powered inflatable sense of self-loathing.

  • You can put it in your profile picture if you're worried you're TOO employable.

  • Name it "Finn." Then, when nobody shows up to your Wrestlemania party, you can turn to it and say, "This is your fault, Finn."

  • One day, when you kids ask why they live in a tiny apartment while their friends live in "a real house," you can show them the balloon. And they can go, "Ahhhhhh. Now our lives make sense."

  • Use it to ferry a very small amount of drugs across a teeny, tiny border.

  • If it ever popped, you might actually experience non-ironic human emotion.

  • You can use it to raise awareness of the earth's helium shortage while also having a fun time with helium.

  • When you girlfriend leaves you due to your depressingly fatalistic rants about remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloons, the shark can be your new girlfriend.

  • It's the funniest possible method of delivering child support payments.

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2020 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.