It’s that time again – when the article I am working on turns out to be not nearly as funny as the crazy people that send me in e-mails. For some reason, last weeks garnered a HUGE AMOUNT of people upset with my Top Four picks for the new race (I knew I should have guessed Protoss), despite the fact it was what I deemed a pretty obvious parody. There are some other e-mails too, but I was kind of shocked to see that people actually seem to care about my opinions on the matter. As it turns out, even when crazy people flatter you, it still feels kind of good. But enough about talking about how great I am; let us instead have the letter show you what I am worth as a person.

Oh yeah, Blizzard – about that crack I made last time about the Draenai looking terrible & how your art team shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the character modeling for them – this crow is delicious.


Subject: FOREST TROLLS WHAT THE HELL

MAYBE YOU WERE NOT AWAKE WRITING THIS, BUT IN WARCRAFT ALL OF THE TROLLS ARE IN THE HORDE. THE HORDE HAS TROLLS BECAUSE OF THE ORCS AND TROLLS ALLIANCE IN THE ORIGINAL WARCRAFT, WHICH YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T PLAY BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

IF THIS WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, YOU ALSO MADE UP THAT QUOTE OF CAIRNE BLOODHOOF – AND DON’T SAY IT WAS IN THE BOOKS BECAUSE I READ THE BOOKS AND CAIRNE ISN’T EVEN IN THE BOOKS. THEN AGAIN, YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T READ THE BOOKS EITHER BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

TO CONCLUDE, IDIOT, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. IF YOU DON’T THINK THE DRAGONKIN ARE GOING TO BE THE NEXT ALLIANCE RACE, IDIOT, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD SELL YOUR ACCOUNT. THAT IS IF YOU EVEN PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

I AM ASHAMED THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HOLD ACCOUNTS.

SAM

THE HILLPEOPLE

RUNETOTEM

OH IT’S ON NOW BITCH,

HEY ASSHOLE, I JUST READ THE BOOKS, ALL OF THEM, EVEN THE ITALIAN ONES AND I’M RIGHT: THE FOREST TROLLS ARE ALLIANCE. YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE WHERE THE WOOD TROLL MJELK AND THE HIGH ELF SARAH CONNOR MADE PASSIONATE LOVE UNDER A BALLISTA AND, IN DOING SO, HAD THE FIRST TROLL/ELF BABY WHICH WAS INFACT, A FOREST TROLL.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE CAPSLOCKS, NEXT TIME CHECK YOUR FACTS A SECOND TIME. MAYBE EVEN A THIRD OR FOURTH TIME.

IN YOUR FACE, SAM
Blue

Subject: hahahaha you are so funny… NOT!

hey dike Maybe u should stick 2 sukkin virtual dick 4 gold like da azn farmer slut u r, whore. Trolls r al ready a HORDE race not a alliance race but u forgot that. What a noob… Suk my dick. Lolllllllll AND THEIRS NO COW LEVEL IN WoW u noob ITS DISABLO II LEARN2PLAY


lylac







Lylac, You Charming Man,

I am interested in learning to play Disablo II, because I am in fact disabled. Are helper wands allowed in the Terms of Service? I lost both of my legs in a freak e-brothel accident in Tyr’s Hand and haven’t been able to work the general chat for Johns since. Could you explain, in detail more facets of this game?

Always a lady,
Blue

Subject: WE ARE ON TO YOU CAYLEN

You stupid plagaristic bastard, we caught you and are going public if you don’t respond. In your last article, you said the following:

“The Cows are huge, bestial creatures who live in the grassy, open barrens of the Eastern Continent. They live to serve nature and maintain the balance between the wild things of the land and the restless spirit of the elements. Despite their enormous size and brute strength, the remarkably peaceful Cows cultivate a quiet, tribal society. However, when roused by conflict,”

Look familiar? It should.

”The Tauren are huge, bestial creatures who live in the grassy, open barrens of central Kalimdor. They live to serve nature and maintain the balance between the wild things of the land and the restless spirit of the elements. Despite their enormous size and brute strength, the remarkably peaceful Tauren cultivate a quiet, tribal society. However, when roused by conflict”

That’s easily located on BLIZZARD’S OWN WEBSITE, ON THE RACIAL DESCRIPTION FOR THE TAUREN RACE. Who do you think you are fooling, Caylen? My guild and I talked it over and decided we are going to go through each of your older articles, compile everything you stole, and then submit it to your boss – unless you confess to your problems, correct the piece, and issue a retraction.

Just because you are funny, doesn’t mean you can steal. You can do better than this!


Mozes, Team K1LL@360



Mozes,

I am using this opportunity to point out that the “plagiarism” that you and your 5 friends emailed me about, was in fact a joke. The entire article was a joke. And, aside from one or two columns I have done for the site, they were all jokes. My guild and I talked it over, and decided that we are going to go ahead and let you in on the joke.

It was parody. Much like everything you’ve done with your life past your High School graduation.

Furthermore, because I am funny, I can steal if I deem it necessary. In fact, the entire response to your e-mail is a slightly altered derivative of a stale Penny Arcade joke I fancied. I have no regrets. In fact, I am going to also steal your email. Thanks!

BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKIN THE LAW,
Blue

Subject: real female scamming for money

hey so thanks for opening up the eyes of players that girls might be scamming them for money.

i am a final fantasy xi player and ive been scamming guys into falling in love with me for a little over a year. ive recieved a little over 5 mil. and various items and help with quests/missions

it might be a bitcht hing to do. but. it was worth it idk

i broke up with one guy and he cut my name into his arm with glass to prove his love for moosey

yeah it went too far and i stopped... so its farming and crafting for mee now ><

-moosey

Public Service Announcement:

On the blog that was linked in the email, this was the picture of “moosey” I found. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are going to stoop as low as cybering in WoW for money, just remember that Moosey is out there on the other end, ready to cash in on your desperation.

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