Not exactly having "a ball!"
[I used to work the front desk in a small hotel in a college town. Usually we require a minimum purchase of two nights when booking a room for a special event weekend, such as a football game. This call came in a few days before one such game.]
Me: Hello, you've reached [Hotel Name], this is [My Name], how may I help you today?
Caller 1: Yes, I'd like to book a room for the third? The game's on that day.
Me: That should be no problem, we have several rooms free. However, it is a two-night minimum stay, so you'd have to either book for the second and third, or the third and fourth.
Caller 1: What!? That's stupid! I just want to stay on the third!
Me: I realize this but we do require a minimum stay of two nights for all special event weekends. I'm sorry.
Caller 1: F*** you! The customer is always right, you b****! [hangs up]
A few minutes pass, and the phone rings again
Me: Hello, you've reached [Hotel Name], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?
Caller 2: Hello, yes? I'd like to book a room for the third, the game's on that day.
Me (Thinking): Uh oh... here we go again!
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Lights, Camera... Inaction!
[I work in a cinema]
Elderly customer: Hello, can I see the movie for free with my veteran's ID?
Me: No, I'm afraid you're going to have to buy a ticket, though you will get a discount.
Elderly customer: Ah, ok... better than nothing, I suppose!
[The customer did end up buying a ticket to see the movie, and I never saw him again. I'm not really sure why I took the time to share this story. Sorry.]
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A real "card"!
Me: Hey there! I'm sorry, but we can't accept credit cards at the moment, as our card reader is down.
Customer: Oh, that's alright! I have a debit card.
Me (Holding back laughter): Um, we can't take debit cards either... the debit cards go through the same reader as credit cards. I can't believe you didn't know that.
Customer: Oh, duh, of course! Sorry about that! I've got some cash anyway.
[This happened a few years ago but I still bring it up to my friends and laugh about it to this day. What a jackass. Debit card? You absolute cretin. Stupid bitch. What a stupid fucking idiot.]
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And that's the "tooth"!
[I'm an assistant receptionist at a dentist's office, working part-time while studying for my macrobiology degree at uni. Normally it's a pretty quiet job, people come in for their appointments, they wait, I call them when it's time to go in, simple. But one day, this loud, red-faced woman barged in...]
Woman (Crazy): EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO FILE A COMPLAINT!! AUGHHHH!!!
Boss: Of course, if you wait here I will finish dealing with this customer and then I will be with you shortly.
Woman: NOOOOOOooo!! NOT THAT!! I WANT TO COMPLAIN NOOOooOOWWW!!
Boss: (Sigh) Yes madam. What seems to be the trouble?
Woman: UAH!! UGH!!! I CAME HERE FOR A CHECK UP THREE WEEKS AGO AND MY TEETH STILL GOT DIRTY!! F*** YOU YOU B****!!
Me (standing up, the flames of righteousness burning brightly in my eyes): Excuse me, miss, but I have to step in here. First of all, just getting a check up isn't enough to stop your teeth getting dirty - you need to brush them and apply proper dental hygiene. Secondly, it's ridiculous to think that nine-eleven could have been anything but the result of an inside job. Thermite is the only substance that could have burned hot enough to melt the steel girders in the world trade center buildings. Thirdly, it's not fair for you to be so rude and impolite to my associate here, who is just trying to do her job. Now if you can't be more respectful to me and my boss here, we're going to have to ask you to leave.
Woman (Cowering pathetically, like the dog she was): WHAT THE F***ING S***!? YOU F***ING N***** B****!!! YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, I'M BEST FRIENDS WITH THE OWNER!! UAHHHH! I THINK NINE-ELEVEN ACTUALLY HAPPENED!! I'LL KILL YOU!!
[After this the woman RAN out of the building, furious, and everyone sitting down in the waiting room actually stood up and applauded for me! Later some of them came over to me and told me that they were "surprised" that anyone could be so rude, they congratulated me for being brave, and they also said that they agreed that 9/11 never happened. Don't trust the government. Get the facts.]
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Really "phoning it in"!
[I'm a tech support agent for a large phone company. I answer the calls and give helpful tips and info. I can get anything from 1000 - 2000 calls every day, and most of them follow a simple pattern. I got this one around 3:30 pm, and sadly, it's not the sort of thing that happens rarely.]
Caller (in muffled voice): Hello, I'm trying to make a phone call and I can't hear the sound properly and the people on the other end can't hear my voice properly.
Me: Well, is your phone turned on? is it the obvious thing? Are the facts all straight?
Caller: What the f***!? You f****** b****!! AAAugh [flailing, some spittle]
Me: [whispering through tears] I'm just a regular Joe, I do my best but it's always unfair on me.
Caller: I'm going to get you f****** fired you stupid b****!!!!!
Me: Wait a minute. Is your phone actually just upside-down? Did you call me with your phone the wrong way around somehow? It definitely seems like you could have noticed that but I'm the one speaking the words here, it's my story~
Caller: Oh no! I'm sorry for my mistake, I'll talk to your boss and say that you're really good. Hangs up phone
My nearby co-worker "Crazy J": Dude, that guy is not salsa [in-joke].
Me: You can say that again! Haha!
[Later that day my boss came up to me and said that because of the polite call from the customer, I would get a raise. It all turned out good, and you can feel happy for that. The end]
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That's what I call Dino - "SORE"!
[I'm a tour guide at a natural history museum in the inner city. I've been working at my job for a few months, and I really love working here, but even So I bet my friend $50 that no editors actually read these, they just skim the first paragraph for a cute-looking title, like some pun or something, and skim the rest to just check the formatting. They don't give a shit.]
Customer 1: asldbfs sadkfjasb djf asd fsa dsa faksjdbk kajb
Customer 2: Buh! Buhh, buhh buhhhh buhb buhhh. Buhh
Me: Hi! Hello! Hey there! Hi!
Customer 2: Buhhh buhh. Buh.
Me: Hey! What's up! Hi! Hello! Hey!
Customer 1:fdsbjkf sdf qweq we wqe qweqwerior
Boss: I'm the boss! I'm the boss!
Me: Hey! Howdy!
[Sometimes they check the last couple of sentences to make sure the ending is suitably sappy, so here you go: After we closed up the customers came back and apologized unequivocally for their actions, and if that wasn't enough, when I returned home, my dead Father had come back to life.]
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Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.