Judgment Day: WWAV vs. AVW

Vince's Japanese porn counterpart.

"Judgment Day: WWAV vs. AVW" is described on the package of the DVD as follows:

WWAV is the abbreviation of "the world wrestling adult video". WWAV is the professional wrestling that entertainment was taken seriously. Then, we are making the matter that AVW is pushed down a goal. Who is the strongest and indecent? It knows that if this work is seen.

I speak pretty fluent Engrish so please allow me to translate:

WWAV is an abbreviation for "Live Sex Acts in a Wrestling Ring". WWAV is the Japanese equivalent of a glitter-encrusted Andre the Giant giving a slow, wet blowjob to Hulk Hogan, only not quite that gay. Then, Kevin Nash comes out, swings a plastic light saber around, and sings Jap Pop - which is pretty much what he normally does. Who is the strongest and indecent? You'll know when you see screenshots of the girl who looks like a grub worm.

Based on my less-fluent Japanese, the WWAV is run by a Japanese version of Vince McMahon who trash-talks and arranges title matches between sex-wrestling superstars like The Cock and Stone Cold Vagina Austin. Every match involves at least one person being ejaculated upon (sorry fans of lesbian) and a whole lot of applause when that happens. This chorus of cheers, jeers, and hooting is provided by the live audience watching all of the sex going on in a genuine wrestling ring.

The DVD features a total of six "matches" that range from two people having sex in a practice dojo to about fifty people going at it all at once in front of a respectable crowd. I mean the crowd is respectable in the size sense, not in the "a group of people not watching people fucking in a wrestling ring" sense. According to the back of the DVD case the total running time of this production is 300 minutes. I don't think there time keeping is very accurate though because watching this thing seemed like it took about six months.

Most of the matches are pretty routine so- no, wait, I can't believe I just said that about people having sex while wearing wrestling costumes in front of a cheering audience. Nothing is routine about this installment of The Horrors of Pornography, but three of the match ups really do stand out from the rest.

Round One - Two Schoolgirls with Light Sabers vs. Bandaged Man in Speedos

Now all they need is a curtain and a towel in the corner to slip on.The first match on the DVD was quite an eye opening introduction to the world of professional wrestling sex. It begins with the Vince McMahon type escorting a casually dressed young woman into the ring. Vince cracks some jokes and the crowd laughs obligingly, then he hands the mic over to the young girl accompanying him. She sings hideous Jap Pop songs for roughly one billion years before a second girl in a pink sailor outfit emerges from backstage swinging a plastic light saber. They pass the mic back and forth haltingly trash-talking one another between awkward giggles. At some point the girl who entered with Nippon McMahon gets a blue light saber and they start weakly tapping each other with them and giggling.

Then a guy wearing pajamas and bandages charges the ring and yells a whole bunch. His face looks kind of like the reverse of Willem Dafoe's usual "sad horror" drama mask, maybe a "gleeful terror" or something. The footage cuts to a wrestling-style interview with the goofy guy in a hospital bed; apparently after receiving whatever sexually-related injuries he is suffering from. When the action returns to the ring he has stripped off his pajamas down to a striped referee shirt and Speedos. Rocking the mic old school, he cracks jokes while the two girls kind of slap at each others hands for a little bit. Realizing that's not working they start making lewd gestures towards him and then charge.

This sleep over just got a whole lot more fun!The guy acts coy at first, bending his hideous face into all manner of approximations of Japanese humiliation, but then he switches over to porn star mode and goes on the offensive, groping and licking the breasts of the woman in the pink sailor outfit. He tackles her and puts himself in a face-first leglock while the other girl sort of randomly massages parts of his body. The pink navy turns the tables and deploys her oral fleet in the vicinity of his crotch as miss not-appearing-in-this-hardcore-pornography continues her non-sexual rubbing. After a lightly mosaic covered blowjob sailor pink sets sail for adventure in the form of some good old fashioned missionary groin smashing. Meanwhile Ishmaelette fades into obscurity until the moment she spies the plume of semen erupting on her friend's face.

It should be noted that all through this sequence the crowd "oohs" and "aahs" just like they were watching a regular wrestling match.

Following the ubiquitous cumshot, the pink sailor girl is declared the winner. Willem Dafoe's giddy cousin is ejected from the ring by a masked wrestler - if only all porno movies chose to end sex scenes like that - and the other girl sort of wanders off. Unfortunately for us all, someone has the bright idea of returning the mic to sailor girl and she proceeds to belt out her own version of a noxious Japanese pop song. I know Japan is romantically involved with karaoke and all, but do they need to include singing after sex wrestling? Apparently so!

The Horror: To be honest, there really isn't anything sexually horrifying about this sequence, but the two girls singing will definitely leave emotional and psychological scars that last years.

Round Two - Chaos in the Ring OR Humiliate and Ejaculate On the Fat Girl

The beautiful people, the beautiful people!If you're ever in the unusual position to be watching a sex-wrestling DVD when a fat girl in a karate outfit rides a toy motorcycle to the ring then let me offer you a piece of advice: turn the fucking TV off RIGHT AWAY! Even though that girl might look like 90% of Wal-Mart customers on the surface, when that karate robe comes off she will reveal a horror that can't be matched by a hundred wild nights with the greasiest Ponderosa waitress in Calumet City. That's because this DVD is about teaching a lesson, and that lesson is that "Japanese women don't get fat like anyone else". In the United States when people get fat parts of their body swell, in Japan when women get fat they turn into some sort of hideous grub worm monster.

This match starts with a pair of attractive women in quasi-bondage outfits entering the ring with stern looks on their faces. Great, we're off to the closest thing to a normal start one of these matches can have! Then things go south. A mummy in a business suit and some gangly dork from the audience carry out a ruchador with a cape made out of taped together sheets of newspaper. Not too long after that enters good old "pasty crater face", the guy with no emotion and - as I later learned - an inability to achieve an erection. Then, to the strains of Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People" (I'm not fucking joking), a fat woman wearing a karate costume rides out on a toy motorcycle looking unhappy. She is accompanied by a girl in a weird gymnastics outfit with the figure of an air-to-air missile. Right, okay, I'm handling things, I've got valium here incase things go too crazy.

Stop the hurting, it's too much.There is some requisite pre-match foreign crazy talk and then the girl with the fritter belt in Ishin Ryu sends the ruchador packing to chase down a dominatrix. While that's happening pasty crater face starts slowly wrestling with some guy I didn't even see enter the ring. There follows some semi-decent fake wrestling, a lot of hair pulling, and then things descend into a sweaty morass of multiple people having sex at once.

The dominatrix girls start getting frisky with each other, pasty crater face dines at the Y of another girl who appears out of nowhere, air-to-air sex missile gets intercepted by an unidentified man in a t-shirt, and most disturbingly the fat karate girl starts giving a blowjob to a ruchador. Even though the only Japanese I know is the word "ruchador", it is blatantly obvious that the majority of the sex action is spent making fun of the fat girl. At one point the masked man having sex with her even stops to move right next to another couple who was shouting comments. For her part the fat ninja looks completely humiliated. She obviously doesn't want to be doing it and looks ready to cry throughout the majority of the "match". It's okay grub girl, give me your paypal address and I will match their offer for you to NOT participate ever again.

To be fair, the men should be even more humiliated that she is, as more than one of them appears to have a penis roughly the same size as a marble. I can't verify this with certainty though thanks to the kooky Japanese policy of censoring genitals but not anuses or ejaculation on export products. The only other really notable thing in this segment - as if you needed more breaking news from the horrors of ringside - is that despite a blowjob from an extremely attractive woman lasting the entirety of the scene, pasty crater face fails to get an erection. High five dude!

The Horror: This whole segment was apparently intended for people who become aroused by things that are depressing. It's nothing short of fucking pathetic and sad to see the karate girl with her hideously symmetrical body fat undulating and near-tears on top of a ruchador. I'm all for schadenfreude, but not only does this cross over to something worse, it does so under the auspices of pornography. If I want to get off to the total degradation of a person I'll tune in to Hollywood Squares and massage my prostate with an electric cattle prod. UNNNNNNNNH! Bruce Villanch to BLOCK!

Round Three - The Sexpocalypse

WELCOME TO HELL IN A CELL! (Cell not included).The grand finale of the event brings back every single "wrestler" into a royal rumble type match-up with only a brief pretense of wrestling. This match is really too confused to offer any coherent blow-by-blow, so let me just tell you about some of the exciting things that go down in the ring. And no, there were no puns in that sentence so just shut your fucking mouth you sassy little bitch.

Tons of paper streamers fall on the ring.

A girl who looks about ten years old wearing pink leotards and being choked by a woman in a vinyl maid's outfit.

A man and woman descending into the midst of the now-standing audience to have sex at their feet.

A tied up ruchador having his chest massaged by the karate girl and some other harlot.

Three women simultaneously performing oral sex on pasty crater face for over ten minutes with no erection in sight. It should be noted that past crater face is also pretty fat and has a disgusting "birthmark/scar/indentation/where the alien emerged" on his stomach.

About half of the audience ejaculating on the chest and face of a woman.

A woman being fingered and then the guy doing the fingering holding his hand out to the excited audience to smell and touch.

The same woman receiving a serving of man-caulk in the kisser and then spitting it into her hand and dripping it on some lucky guy in the front row.

A lined-up three way race to see which couple can finish first.

The one I had money on at OTB didn't finish first.

I have a gambling problem.

Drugs are a gambling solution.

I mean legal drugs like aspirin, gasoline, and model glue.

Okay, I mean heroin.

I want your stank all over me!The whole big sexpocalypse is finished off with a congratulatory handshake session. The men and women of the WWAV circle the inside of the wring while the fans press in extending their hands hoping that the smell of someone's sweaty testicles will rub off on them. In Japan ball sweat is considered a delicacy.

The Horror: Definitely pasty crater face in this one. The audience laughs as he pours sweat and three beautiful women try their darnedest to get the blood flowing. Watching him receiving a blowjob gives you that same sort of awful voyeuristic sensation you would have if you were to watch from a hidden camera as a retarded person takes a shit.

Bottom Line: If you're going to watch censored Japanese porn you could do a lot worse than "Judgment Day: WWAV vs. AVW". Other than the scary fat girl being humiliated and pasty crater face never having a good time, this movie packs a lot of action. Most of it is pretty routine, but overall the surreal setting makes the whole thing a lot more entertaining. I spent about half of the video giggling at how bizarre it was and I can only imagine how much funnier it would have been with subtitles. Then I could have laughed at the ridiculous wrestling jokes that the Japanese perverts find funny!