Midget Porno Battle

Alas and alack, the enemy draws near.For centuries midgets have worked to overcome their genetic shortcomings and fill a helpful, or at least less detrimental, role in society. In our ancient history midgets were used to assassinate political leaders while posing as children, they located jewelry dropped through small grates, and the even built the trans-continental railroad. Today midgets enjoy a role in society that is almost like real people only on a smaller and slightly disproportioned scale.

The best example of this newfound equality is the prevalence of midgets in pornographic movies. There are literally billions of titles that rely on the draw of a pint-sized actor or actress to sell copies. These weesploitation films frequently include a tiny star grinding guts with a particularly well endowed co-star. I'm not sure if the popularity is due to some half-realized primordial child-fetish or rather an honest sexual attraction to dwarfs and midgets. Here in America these movies are invariably freak bonanzas because any pornstar worth his or her salt knows fucking a dwarf is a visual representation of a death knell sounding for their career. That means we usually get loads of gutter trash dredged up from a swamp and eased onto the greasy comforter of a motel bed long enough to take on a couple dwarfs before it slides back beneath the waves like a sinking garbage scow.

Europe, on the other hand, seems to take itself way too seriously. The dwarf porn overseas features lush sets, expensive costumes, actual film instead of VHS camcorders with bad tracking, and non-dwarfs that look like models. However, Europe also has a different take on dwarfs. Over there they aren't the sunglasses-wearing, pony-tail having, beer-gut packing hip neo-dwarfs of the US. In Europe dwarfs still live in caves and frighten children. They have pointed teeth and glittering dark eyes that can see in the dark. They snatch family dogs for food and wear rags made out of their own hair. It's old world dwarfs over there in Europe, and the last thing anyone should ever want is to see them having sex.

Once and for all it must be settled. Which country produces the most horrifying midget porn? Whose cuisine will reign supreme?!

Midget Porn Italian

Next week on Dynasty!This movie begins with a shot of a European castle and a subtitled intro explaining the story of Snow White, which is essentially the same as the real story of Snow White. We are introduced to Snow White's stepmother and evil queen who is envious of her stepdaughter's beauty and wants to do away with her. Amazingly enough, the evil queen is actually extremely attractive in a bitchy Euro trash sort of way. As long as her codependent relationship with the reassuring magic mirror keeps her secure in the preeminence of her hotness she is content to let Snow White live on in poverty. Back in Snow White's storybook hovel the almost infantile-acting but very beautiful protagonist dances around and sings while doing things poor people do like sweeping and masturbating. The sequence of Snow White's sinning self-love is inter-cut with the creepiest lesbian scene ever as two emotionless and butch lesbians perform unenthusiastic sex acts on their ruler.

With Snow White approaching satisfaction station the queen signals her Sapphic cohort to service a quartet of built black guys in preparation for a squad assault on her royal portals. After the NAACP deposits its white glory all over the queen, her highness heads back to the mirror and questions it, only to discover that she has been usurped as the most beautiful in the land by her idiot stepdaughter. I guess having sex with black people makes you ugly. The more you know! In response to this shocking epiphany, the queen contracts the worst assassin ever to off her bothersome relation. Dressed like Robin Hood the guy slowly walks up to Snow White, draws a dagger in plain sight, and then breaks down into tears when she acts scared.

Giggle, hee hee, titter, I'm going to masturbate any second now.At the spineless assassin's request Snow White flees into the woods and discovers an abandoned house full of small furniture. Naturally she immediately begins masturbating on what she assumes are children's beds, because lord knows what orphans need is a wet spot spread across five toddler mattresses. Snow White's love-in prompts another segue to a prince in a castle receiving a blowjob from a lady with a big nose while his father watches. Apparently his father wants him to marry, and I know when I want my son to marry the first thing I'm going to do is insist he receive blowjobs while I watch. Alas, the marriage was not to be since ol' big nose doesn't want to have babies with the prince and insists he deposit his valuable mini-prince swarm all over her face.

Back in the movie about Snow White masturbating, the dwarfs at last make their appearance in style. They parade through the woods in a line while yodeling. At first I was impressed with the sheer volume of midget the director had captured and released on the set, but this turned to horror with the first close up of the hideous creatures. These were no benign and humanized dwarfs of the United States; these were feral midgets with wild eyes and a thirst for skulls. The dwarfs regard the sleeping Snow White with animal madness and it takes no monster psychologist to tell that their hearts are filled with rape.

Seriously, help me. I can't control myself anymore.For whatever reason, the hateful creatures agree to let Snow White stay with them and even offer to help her stick various objects including their little penises into her body. While the queen gnashes her teeth that she still is not the most beautiful in the land the dwarfs instruct Snow White in the finer points of placing gourds into her reproductive organs, receiving oral sex from sweaty and rot-toothed midgets, masturbating (as if she needed help) as taught by what looks like a mummified child, and multiple lessons on giving blowjobs. If you ever wanted to see what a dwarf penis looks like, well, here you go.

Back in Queensville the Queen erroneously rewards the assassin for killing Snow White with a little two on one nookie from herself and one her lesbian assistants. Following the act she asks the mirror who the most beautiful in the land is and, upon learning of the assassins deceit, has her buzz cut friend stab him in the heart. In the land of wind and dwarfs, the little ones are still are still preaching to the choir of Snow White's lower half. In the movie about the prince, the watched pot boils over onto yet another fair maiden that proves unacceptable for wedlock while the queen hatches a scheme to poison Snow White. Through some bad special effects the queen does just that, the prince saves her, final fuck scene. THE END.

If it seems like I rushed through the last part, I did. The dwarfs were out of the picture so it's basically irrelevant to our competition. One other item worth noting is that during the credits a techno version of "Hi-Ho" sung by a moaning and profanity-prone woman is played.

Midget Porn American

Hang on flapjacks, let me do a couple lines out of your asscrack and we can finish up this shitbird.While the Italian Snow White featured lavish sets and costumes, the American version could not be more low rent if it were shot in the unfinished basement of an abandoned crack house. The opening scene features a chubby woman dressed vaguely as a gypsy having sex with a guy who looks to have been in about as many porn movies as coke deals over the past 50 odd years of his life. Considering there is no explanation for this scene it's not really the most professional way to open a movie. But the scene has real chemistry, with the guy pounding away in a meth trance and the chubby woman looking off to the side repeatedly and making faces like she's giving birth to a medicine ball covered with broken glass. Like clockwork the pistons top hammering, the guy does his pop shot, and the duo settle in for a nice relaxed chat that is delivered like they're reading the script aloud for the first time off each other's faces.

Criticizing acting in porn is like shooting fish strapped to the end of your shotgun, but the next scene delves to new lows in low budget porn. In a casting decision that would best be described as "miserable" or "crazed" the director has placed a frizzy haired sadsack that looks like she should have a Wal-Mart nametag in a "hot" three way scene with some sort of equestrian crossbreed between a shovel, a quarter horse, and a Hot Topic flyer. Horseface and Wal-Mart Greeter briefly discuss the fortune telling business they are nebulously related to and then set about the business of awkwardly double teaming some unfortunate guy who wandered onto the set drunk and was handed a script. They hump around through the routine set-pieces for way longer than is recommended by the Center for Disease Control.

Folks, monsters are real, and they are among us.I guess the confused guy enjoyed it, because in the next scene he shows up at the fortune teller talking about his dead wife. He stares at her feet ominously and then we cut to a scene in some fake suburban house where another chubby woman brought in from a biker bar is dusting. Much to my dismay, Horseface reappears and engages in the worst lesbian scene ever recorded by any device, including the answering machine that was accidentally left to "record greeting" in Rosie O'Donnell's bedroom. It's like an episode of "Laurel and Hardy" gone horribly wrong, with the rail-thin Horse face pushing her giant teeth into a puffy vagina so hideous I could see cartoon smell lines wafting from it. If I never see another fucking butterfly tattoo in my entire life then I can die a happy - if severely traumatized - man. Don't even get me started on the outfit Horseface is wearing before she assaults my senses by removing it. Her clothes ensemble looks like Baby GAP exploded all over a fence post covered with shitty tattoos.

With the hideous duo working themselves into a nightmarish froth of ass grease and soiled vibrators I found myself wondering where exactly are the goddamn dwarfs in this equation. I mean, I'm sitting here watching a woman I would consider scary if I met her fully clothed getting her oozing bikini area explored by Horseface and her magical vibrator and I want to know why I can't see the fucking dwarfs already and get this shit over with.

Too bad for me the scene ends by proving my suspicions and showing me the guy at the fortune teller's place getting jacked off by the gypsy's feet. As if that wasn't bad enough, when they finally get around to making a fucking Snow White reference it's to the biker woman from the lesbian scene. She eats an apple, falls asleep, and men line up to kiss her and wake her up. When they all fail three pudgy dwarfs emerge from a steamer trunk and start groping her in all her stretched-tattoo glory. One dwarf has the dwarf-standard "super mullet", one has a buzz cut and circles around his eyes like a zombie, and the other one looks pretty normal. Let me qualify that: "for someone three feet tall".

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYkillme.What I don't get is why include all of the midgets in one scene? If I had been making this movie I would have sprinkled their miniature mirth throughout every shot. Actually, if I had been making this movie I would have intentionally overdosed on sleeping pills and then simultaneously hung and shot myself just to ensure I didn't have to film it. Can you imagine the fucking fluffers on this movie? They must have gone to the morgue and hooked dead old ladies up to car batteries.

As for the dwarfs, well, the low-rent quality of this production pretty much wastes their potential for dwarfish hilarity. Instead we get tight and nauseatingly sweaty shots of plunging penises and bloated abdomens. There are relatively few good old knee-slapping wide shots of the dwarfs somehow managing to lose their dignity by having group sex with a bloated advertisement for not getting inked. After they finish with Snow Beast we are reminded that there is another and almost equally disturbing plot running parallel with a guy getting a foot massage for his groin. He emits his VD laced discharge all over the fortune teller's feet and, thankfully, the film comes to an end.

Bottom Line: Without a doubt the Americans have a lock on horrifying midget porn. With fewer midgets, a five dollar budget, almost confusingly ugly women, a worthless plot, and a guy getting jacked off by feet, this "Snow White and the Three Dwarfs" absolutely destroyed its competition. I could not put together a worse midget porn if my midgets were dead, I filmed it on one of those Fischer Price video cameras, wrote the script by rolling random encounter in Dungeons and Dragons, and I rounded up all of the women by standing outside a methadone clinic. In fact "Snow White and the Three Dwarfs" is in the running for the worst porn movie I have ever seen. It actually earns depravity points because the people in it were so horrid and it is the porn I have rated below.