Afterlife Telegrams, submitted by SocialMisfit. Chances are, you know of somebody who is dead. The cold fact is that many people throughout the ages have died, and the dead greatly outnumber the living. So what happens when somebody passes away and you don't get the chance to tell them something really important, such as "I love you" or "you were lousy in bed"? Enter Afterlife Telegrams, the only service that offers to bring messages to the dead through the dead; that is, they hunt down some terminally ill clown, force him to memorize your message, and then delivers it to your loved one once he dies and goes straight to hell. What a deal!
For a fee of $5.00 per word (5 word minimum), our customers can have telegrams delivered to people who have passed away. This is done with the help of terminally Ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have passed away. We call this an "afterlife telegram".
Please take note of the following:
Since we can not guarantee delivery nor prove that a message has been delivered successfully, our customers do not pay for "deliveries". They pay for "delivery attempts". What we do guarantee is the following:
1) The messengers have memorized their telegrams before passing on.
2) The messengers have promised to do what can be done to deliver their telegrams to the addressees after passing.
I have a message for God: "hey big guy, give me a magic Leprechaun." I've always wanted a pet leprechaun so I could teach it to do cool tricks like rob the elderly and make chocolate candies appear on my pillow before I go to sleep. Maybe he could also tell Emily to update on the weekends, since I'm assuming she died!
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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