Jackie Stallone's Rumpology, submitted by Satan. Jackie Stallone is sort of weird in the same way that Aquaman sort of likes aqua. I knew she had some sort of collagen overdose in her lips and claimed to be psychic, but what I didn't know is that she studied photos of buttcheeks to glean the pocked expanses of the future.

Just as a print of your fingerprints, palms, soles, and ears tell a story, so does your rump. The lines, crevaces, and folds of your fanny, rear end for those of you in the UK, can, to the trained eye, reveal your personality, fate, and future in luck and love.

Someone call Guinness, I think the record has just been set for the most commas in one psychotic sentence. Apparently Jackie has been practicing rumpology for a while now, so forgive me if I'm behind the times on this particular incarnation of stupid.

– Corin Tucker's Stalker

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