Homemade Sex Toys, submitted by Psychodude. Can't afford a Real Doll? Think buying a Fleshlight is humiliating? Fear not! Homemade Sex Toys is here to the rescue with a variety of horribly illustrated guides to DIY-ing yourself to blindness. My personal favorite is the melon baller, which not only involves fucking a melon, but also great odds that you will scald yourself impotent.
Step 1: Get a melon and scoop out a hole
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much, remember, you're making sex toys not digging ditches.
Step 2: Nuke it good
Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil or KY jelly.
Step 3: Ahhhhh!
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
I burn my mouth heating a frigging burrito in the microwave, I can't imagine sticking my dick into a 5,000 degree watermelon.
The site features more than a dozen other articles detailing techniques for assisted self-pleasure. While the childish illustrations don't get terribly graphic, the many advertisements for rubber vaginas on the site might get you in a heap of trouble.
Someone told TIME magazine about trolling and now we all just have to deal with it.
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
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