WELCOME 2 THE THUGZ SITE!, submitted by Nordo. I'm not ashamed to admit that this ALoD is hands-down the absolute most hilarious waste of bandwidth that I've read in months, excluding the times I've had to refresh Something Awful to make sure the server hadn't been hit by an errant air molecule and consequently gone down for the last six hours. The "THUGZ" are the most hardcore Worms clan you'll ever meet, assuming you'll ever find another group of people who admit to forming a clan based around the game Worms. There are so many wads of pure gold on this page that I don't know where to begin. Oh well, let me start with the opening page, where viewers are treated to the following cryptic flying greeting:

WELCO
ME 2 THE
THUG
CLAN
SITE

Yes. "Welco Me 2." That sounds like one of the bleak space mining colonies in those shitty futuristic sci-fi movies starring Rutger Hauer as "The Old Ugly Guy Who Shoots First and Is Too Dumb To Ask Questions Later." Like most hardcore websites, the author chose to make the background 100% black and the text dark grey, as hardcore people don't care about silly things like eyesight or good taste. The webmaster, as any good host would do, also introduces his stunning musical selection(s) with the following declaration:

If u dont like these MIDs u should turn off your speakers cuz these r all i can find that were downloadable

Excellent! On a related note, I also strongly advise unpowering your speakers completely, as entering this site with your speakers on will cause passing priests to run up to your computer and start attempting to exorcise the demons that lie within. Like all quality webpages, the world famous Comet Cursor notice pops up, allowing you to download their free software in exchange for letting Comet Cursor track every single mouse movement you make your entire life. Also, downloading Comet Cursor allows them the uncontested rights to your children's souls. But hey, on the positive side, you'll get to go to sites like these and watch your cursor become a fruity coked-up butterfly or animated Pikachu! Since I shrewdly refused to install Comet Cursor, I can't report on what this page mutates your arrow pointer into. If I had to guess, I would imagine it changes your cursor into a dyslexic 12-year old drooling liquid feces all over his chin while a series of fireplace pokers are rammed into their crusty ear canals. Onto the news page:

NEWS

if any of you can make a website and wants 2 mak one about thug more power 2 u cuz im not stoppin u

if you quit thug please tell me or i'll get really pissed at you bcuz its hell 2 find out through sum1 else and it also makes thug look stupid having members that rnt even there on their page if you dont contact me i will assume you quit

This is one very organized Worms clan! I can't even fathom why a THUGZ member would join and refuse to inform their leader of his arrival. It's like somebody being accepted to NAMBLA and not wanting to have their name displayed in 100 foot letters on their official welcoming board overlooking the I-405. Of course members probably withheld declaring their admittance under fear that the webmaster, who smashes Lincoln Logs against the keyboard to type, would invariably spell their name wrong every other sentence. Let's proceed to the Members Page:

1.PSYCO:founder of thugz and owner of this site

Wow, he's both the founder of the clan AND the owner of the site? All he needs to do is get arrested for indecent exposure at a children's petting zoo and he'll have a regular hat-trick of accomplishments on his hands. That's really something to put on your resume, assuming you want to work for a company that only hires retards or people exposed to the Brain-Eating Virus.

5.Masta_G: I dont really know where the hell this guy is any more

If the guy has any sense whatsoever, he's VERY, VERY, VERY far away from this webpage. I would also guess he's changed his name and is now cleaning toilets in an Arby's for a living.

7.SLOTH: I seriously dont see or hear from him any more wich is really scaring me

There's probably a reason for this; look into it. Oh yeah, I'd copy and paste the name of the sixth member here, but number six does not appear to exist. I'm sure all of the money in the world couldn't buy the raw joy the ex-sixth member is now experiencing. Members from number eight to 22 are simply described as "good ropers" with one of those two key words badly misspelled.

23: yosh: seriously i know jack about him

Oooh, a man of mystery! Every clan needs one of these guys to add a bit of intrigue and mystery to their gang; they keep their enemies guessing and asking questions. For example, I can't help but ask if yosh's brain is also coasting on fumes like their leader's. Let's proceed to the final section, "ALLIES AND ENEMIES PAGE".

ENEMIES

ANY CLAN THAT DOESNT SHOW US THE RESPECT WE DESERVE IS OUR ENEMY
1.RwR-leader indiana aka indy
2.KF29-leader greg

Okay, if I was challenging CLAN THUGZ, I would be in a very tough situation. I mean, how much respect does their clan deserve? How can I determine the amount of respect to give them? If it was up to me, I'd dish out slightly less respect than I give to the guy on the corner of 2nd and Pike Street who screams at his hands all day and digs through the garbage for rubber bands from people's braces. As for "Indiana" and "Leader Greg"... well, I fear for them. I bet they've locked themselves in a closet by now, curled up in a ball of sheer terror and clutching a handgun sketch they drew in Geography class.

That's really the entire site except for the "SIGN UP SHEET" where you can join THUGZ if you are able to answer challenging questions like the following:

OBJECTIVE:
You think u r tuff enough 4 the thugz?

NOTE: There is no selection to answer this question. I assume the implied response is either "yes" or "I guess" or "my nine-year old kid sister routinely beats me up and makes me drink dog urine."

School Name
R u in the ladder?

The possible selections for answering "School Name R u in the ladder" are "yes" or "no." I, of course, attended Yes University, but I'm afraid you non-attendees will have considerably more difficulty answering the question. Then again, it will probably take four years of college and two years of graduate school at No University just to decipher this moronic site. Now THAT'S a way to screen your new members!

PS: If you don't think you're good enough to join the THUGS clan or your brain shut down after being exposed to the page, you can always beg to join by signing their guestbook. Be warned though: if you sign this book, you run the chance of accidentally being recruited for their clan. THEN YOU MIGHT TAKE THE PLACE OF THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARING MEMBER NUMBER SIX!!! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!!!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.