The, submitted by Me. If there is one thing we don't have enough of in the world, it's delusional crackbaskets claiming to be a modern day materialization of the vacationing Jesus H. Christ. Unfortunately somewhere between now and the time the original Jesus walked the Earth as an inspirational speaker, things have gotten really sappy. The new Jesus spends his time writing dorky music and coming up with vaguely scientific theories or imaginary chat logs with aliens who live inside black holes.
It's Jesus! It's Jesus!
Did I mention he writes songs? Here's some of his excellent songwriting:
And an animal is a creation of God
In fact an animal is God in a bod.
and is therefore, as sacred as him,
So let's get down get holy, let the party begin.
(Wild screaming mind bending, body wracking, guitar solo)
How can you now get down to a song like that? It's too bad his audio samples are all 404, or I'd be jamming to them in a never-ending loop. Of course while listening to that I'd be reading this transcript of a fictional conversation with an alien:
P: But..but..That's not possible!! A black hole is a state of MAXIMUM entropy, a state of gravitational collapse...it is completely devoid of order and certainly devoid of life. Life is dependent on order and a black hole is completely devoid of order!
A: Correction, it is completely devoid of order THAT YOU RECOGNIZE. It is indeed devoid of that particular order upon which YOUR existence is based, but, it is not devoid of the order upon which OUR existence is based.
Of course our friend also likes kids. He's got a great idea for a new "clothing optional" Disney Land where children would run naked while being pursued by European royalty. I sure didn't have fun like that when I was young!
Be sure to also check out this message for teens, and whatever the hell this is. Oh hell, and don't miss this Spiritual Sex Manual! It was written by Jesus! I have no idea why this guy has been celibate since 1986!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
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