School is out for summer, but that doesn't mean you have to go without! The kids of Whitebrook Elementary are unavailable to comment, so I turned to Whitebrook Senior Center for a bit of seasoned wisdom from the residents there. I hope you will find their knowledge and life experiences as impressive as I did.


"It is very complicated, but also beautiful. Like a Swiss watch or Chinese algebra written on the wing of a dove."
"As long as the nurses keep my pill box well stocked I couldn't care less."
"I'd been hoping and praying for years that I would get a chance to spend my last days filling out paperwork so that I could pay more for medicine with terrible side effects."
"Back off. This is the summer of maximum chilling out. Nothing is going to harsh my buzz."
"My lucrative Cialis side trade is taking a serious hit from all this gestapo bullcrap."
"It doesn't bother me unless the government starts requiring prescriptions for cat sweaters."



"I just can't get enough staring at squirrels eating birdseed. They are majestic creatures!"
"Ever crapped while you're taking a bath? You have no idea what you're missing."
"I drink sitting across from a photograph of my late wife and listen to an old warped phonograph record of our favorite song. It's mindblowingly awesome!"
"The three 'D's, baby: dames, drugs and diverticulitis."
"I write rambling letters to every editor I can find."
"I listen to old messages my grandchildren left on my answering machine. My favorite is the one where they sang happy birthday to me. I remember, I was collapsed in the shower with a broken hip while they did that."



"The youth of today. They will one day inherit our assisted living center."
"Where's my fucking robot?"
"I keep hoping they will hurry up and pass that assisted suicide legalization. That's going to be fantastic."
"Oh man, definitely terrorists. Why, any minute they might decide to blow up this place where our worthless kids have crated us up to die. Jackass."
"I worry that when I die, who will take over my legacy and make sure Reader's Digest knows exactly how offended I was by their article about Charles Darwin? Someone has to carry that torch!"
"I think about the staggering complexity and scale of our universe. 400 billion stars and hundreds of billions of galaxies. Infinite universes if M-theory is real. All of that, expanding endlessly and infinitely in every direction. And Price is Right."



"Oh gosh, no, computers and me just don't mix. The last time my granddaughter bought me one I ended up with my hand caught in the disk-o-mo-thing and the typewriter part nearly took my legs off."
"Do you know what a fur costume is? I'm starting to learn. Real amazing stuff. Talented guys."
"The Internet reminds me every day of why so many men fought and died in the trenches and craters of France in the Great War: so you could watch a Japanese woman squirt eels out of her vagina."
"The Internet is the greatest thing since scotch. Did you know that I'm a college sophomore who is taking a nude photography class? I didn't know either, but there are about 50 teenage girls who think I'm the next Andy Warhol."
"It's nice. I can download origami patterns and then post on a forum in all caps about how bad my arthritis hurts when I try to do origami."
"Never bothered to get a driver's license and since Frank died, well, you know how it goes."



"I think times are changing and people should view seniors as just as active and normal as anyone else only a little bit creepier."
"I'd like it if our skin was clear so I could stop spending money on all these damn MRI dealies."
"View us not as what we have become, but as a compilation of our life's accomplishments. For example, I was an accountant for 58 years and I was always very polite. Not everyone can say that."
"Oh man, if only society would view senior citizens as hot models. I want to go out knee-deep in a big-titted Korean girl tighter than a washer on a submarine."
"The things we have to say are very important! Newspaper editors need to recognize that!"
"Oh, I'm just fine the way things are. I enjoy being a half-forgotten relic and reminder of my family's impending mortality. I love being a lesson to my grandkids that every one of them will die alone."



"I saw a beautiful bluejay last week. That was definitely the highlight of my 87 years on this earth."
"That German I shot. They took my gun aftewards, but that'll teach him to steal my seat in the recreation room."
"My grandson once told me that his favorite thing of all time was playing 'Doom II' with his friend on a 'serial modem', whatever that means. I just like to remember that, because then I know that when he's in my position his memories will be way more pathetic than mine. I fucking fought at Verdun! I kept Europe free from the Kaiser!"
"I saw Greta Garbo on broadway in '33 and after the show I went back stage to get her autograph. Her dressing room door was open a little bit and I peeked in. She was naked and bending over to pick something up. I'll never forget the way her cheeks spread like a yawning mouth and I could see her butthole and there was a big wad of toilet paper stuck to it. That was glorious."
"Oh, I don't have a favorite. I don't really place a lot of value on memories, which is fortunate because I have crippling dementia."
"I love to remember when I visited Canada as a kid. My parents and brothers were putting up a tent and I wandered off into the woods by myself. It was so clean and unspoiled. Deep green pine forests, azure skies and lakes so clear you could see the bottom. The air smelled like summer flowers, but it was cool and quiet in the forest. I watched it for hours, just watched the world live and breathe. Then, like an angel, a moose walked out into the clearing next to me. Then another moose came. Then they started doing it and, I mean, magnificent isn't even the word. Like a tree trunk disappearing into a cave."



I hope you enjoyed this touching tribute to the honorable elders of America. Their voices are too often forgotten in this crazy high-tech world.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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