Who wouldn't want to look as suave as GoateeSaver inventor Scott Bonges of Little Rock, Arkansas?If you're having trouble keeping your goatee neat, just shave the fucking thing off. Nothing looks stupider than a fussily trimmed goatee. If you must persist in your clearly villainous obsession with diligent facial-hair maintenance, the GoateeSaver might be just the invention you've been seeking. Users chomp down on a plastic mouthpiece that looks like a streamlined cannibal muzzle, then guide their razors around its edges. This method might make GoateeSaver consumers feel manly, like old Western stars biting a bullet while undergoing an excruciating procedure, but it should be noted that those actors grew grizzly beards and untamed mustaches, and that anyone who walked into a rough saloon sporting a fastidiously tidy goatee would've been shot on sight.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.