As a corollary to the twice-featured Armor of God PJs, I present WholesomeWear, the aquatic division of the Ghastly Christian Apparel monolith. WholesomeWear offers three swimsuit models, all of which combine Spandex skin with a cumbersome polyester exoskeleton. These designs allegedly "draw the eye to the face," but they're more likely to attract full-body attention, as spectators blurt "look at that crazy woman/poor girl wearing a dress in the pool." WholesomeWear claims the outer layer adds modesty (certainly) and style (no), neglecting to mention the cardiovascular benefits inherent in attempting strenuous exercise while swathed in sopping-wet fabric.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

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